Tag Archives: military

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017! 

2016 seemed to fly by so fast!  When we got orders to Washington State at the end of 2013, 2016 seemed like an eternity away! I willed time to speed by, and time being EVER so gracious, did just that! As mid point 2016 approached, I found myself begging time to slow down! As a family, we had grown accustom to our surroundings in Washington.  We got use to seeing our extended family only via FaceTime or during our annual trip to Florida during the summer.  We made wonderful, lifelong friends, we weren’t ready to say goodbye to.  And June 2016 would mark another huge milestone for our family, with Makailyn  graduating from high school. She would be the first to graduate somewhere other than my alma mater, FBHS!  But as they say, time marches on, and so did she.  She marched across the stage with our immediate family cheering her on, as well as her granny, memaw, and papa, who had flown in for her special day! And thankfully, those who were unable to make the trip, they were able to log in and watch via live feed! 

After graduation, we said our goodbyes and headed out across he country. We traveled down the west coast and enjoyed sight seeing through The Sequoia Forest. The trees were absolutely gorgeous, a work of art courtesy of Mother Nature! We spent one day in SAN Francisco.  We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and took photos.  We even drove by the Full House, house, where we discovered we weren’t the only tourists still obsessed with the Tanners! We drove into LA and Hollywood and became typical tourist!  We even enjoyed a Hollywood tour in which we tormented Meadow, telling her every house was Justin Bieber’s!! We spent a day at Venice Beach watching the kids play in the water and walking along the boardwalk.  We even enjoyed the freak show! Traffic was indeed horrible, especially pulling a Uhaul trailer behind us, but it was well worth it! 

They loved our Maltese, Kingston, at The Freak Show!! 

We left California and headed into Vegas!  To say it was hot is an understatement! It was 115 degrees and being outside felt like you were literally cooking.  The heat hampered our sightseeing, but Makailyn, granny, and I did get to enjoy The Thunder From Down Under! Front row seats and they were worth it! Granny and Makailyn had never been so now they are able to cross that off of their bucket list!  The next day we went to The Secret Garden and happen to run into Siegfried! The girls had no idea who he was, but he was nice enough to take a picture with them!  Meadow got to take pictures with a dolphin.  In spite of the heat, we enjoyed our time in Vegas. 

Our next stop was Oklahoma to see my parents on our way through.  We stopped by and saw Grandpa Kenneth’s gravesite like we do every time we visit Oklahoma.  This time was the first time we were able to visit Nanny Joy’s gravesite.  She is buried next to my cousin Dustin who passed away from cancer as a young boy.  It was bittersweet.  I’m glad we had the opportunity to see her final resting place, but oh how I wish we could be sitting at her dining room table, playing a game of Farkle or Yahtzee instead! 

The final two days of our trip were a blur.  We were exhausted from our trip and ready to see the Florida sign!  Pulling across the Florida state line felt oh so nice!

We’ve spent the second half of 2016 getting reacquainted with our Florida lives.  Some things have changed and some things have stayed the same.  During our time away, I’ve learned a few things.  I learned who my true friends are, and who are just really more like acquaintances.  I’ve learned who I can count on and who is really just out for themselves.  I’ve learned for some, out of sight, is really out of mind.  I’ve learned distance does make the heart grow fonder, if the relationship is strong to begin with!  I’ve seen first hand, some people only want you in their lives if they need something from you, but if you need them, they are too busy to care. I’ve learned some of your best friends will still love you even if you haven’t called them because 3 hours time difference messes up your chat schedule, and the only time you can talk, they can’t, so they will settle for Facebook comments and likes from you without getting their feelings hurt, because like you, they KNOW how much you love them!!! My girls know who they are!!! 😘😘

2016 ended with  Chris and I celebrating our 10 year Anniversary! Every day I look at him I wonder how in the heck I got SO lucky!! He’s an amazing husband and to top it off, he’s an incredible, loving father!! What more could a girl want!! 😍❤️

 I’ve learned that family is the most important thing in the world.  If you want your family to make you a priority in their lives, you better be willing to make them a priority in yours.  You can’t sit back, complain and be jealous of the relationship other family members have with each other, if you aren’t willing to make an effort on your own.  Stop being a victim, make an effort and enjoy your family while they are still around to do so! Life is too short to waste your time on petty feuds and unspoken words! Live today like it’s your last! 

I am so blessed to be home in Florida, surrounded by family and friends. My resolution for 2017 is to focus less on the things I can’t change, and be happy with what God has blessed me with! I mean, seriously….have you seen my kids?!?   Those are seriously some pretty incredible humans I gave birth to! 


Pit will start 2017 walking through an adventure I’m sure he never thought he would embark on! As he turns 24 in February, I can honestly say, as a mom, I’ve raised an incredible young man with a good head on his shoulders!  He’s been on more adventures in his short life than many dream of, and I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes him! KaileeLane will start her final semester of Paramedic school in North Carolina and will graduate in May!  She works as a waitress, goes to school full time and enjoys her time in clinicals.  I love her phone calls telling me all about her day! Time will tell whether or not she will continue to call North Carolina home, or if Florida calls her back! We sure do miss her around here, but I am SO proud of my independent young lady! Her strength and drive amazes me! Makailyn is enrolled in online classes at FSCJ and is working as a waitress.  She’s venturing out into the world one step at a time, deciding where life will take her! She has big dreams and a bright future ahead of her, and no matter where her heart may land, I know she will always be my happy girl! Meadow will turn 15 in 2017 and finish up her Freshman year in High School!  She left Fernandina Beach in 6th grade for 2 1/2 years and came back a beautiful, confident, young lady!  She knows what she wants and expects out of her life and the people in it, and she will not waste time on anything less!  She’s definitely strong-willed and tough, with the right amount of sweetness and charm! And let’s not forget, she’s an absolute makeup fanatic! 😀 She closed out the first half of her Freshman  year on the honor roll and has set big goals for herself and her future!  I’m excited to watch her continue to grow and achieve all of her dreams!   And last but not least, we have little Miss Everleigh! She is a 3 year old, little mini teenager! She has watched and mimicked her sisters every move for the last 3 1/2 years! From her obsession with lipstick, selfies, sassiness, hands on her hips and the infamous eye roll, she’s got the role of “teenager” down pat! 😀 Before moving back, I worried Everleigh would be less than friendly to family and friends since we moved when she was 5 months old and she was pretty much secluded except for our immediate family!  NOT in the least!!! She never meets a stranger!! She absolutely loves her brother Pit and cousin Dylan, which somehow she now has claimed as her brother as well! 😂  she adores “Aunt Saucy” AKA, Aunt Sylvie! But, no matter how many new faces she meets, she will run up and hug them whenever they are leaving.  She is smart enough to recognize family when she sees them! She is taking dance and is in cheerleading! She loves to dance around the house with her current favorite, The Trolls soundtrack! 

2017 will most certainly be a great year for our family! My parents are building a house which should be finished in February, and will be moving back to Florida from Oklahoma! And if that wasn’t great enough, our house is being built right next door and should be completed in May! We have been so unsettled since moving back, planning and waiting for our dream home to be complete! But the one thing I’ve learned, anything is possible as long as you have your family and friends by your side! Thanks for making 2016 a year to remember! 😘😘

24 Days of Silence

It’s been 24 days of silence.  No call, no text, no knock on the door….just silence!  I would like to say I’m surprised. I would like to say I’m shocked at his actions. That would be a lie. I’ve always known how selfish of a man he was and he has finally shown just how deep his selfishness runs through his veins…deep into his cold, black heart! 

Let’s take a moment and play catch up! I’ve been postponing this blog for some time now, hoping beyond all hope this would blow over but it’s not.  So, why not just let the world know how I feel! I have nothing to lose! 

After hearing for the past 2 plus years endless rants about being separated from his child from my ex, my husband was determined to get orders back to the area.  We wanted what was best for our daughter and figured being in close proximity to her dad was important. He managed to snag orders back to the East coast and we were ecstatic! We left Washington state the afternoon of the last day of school to head from West to East coast. Two cars, 3 adults, 3 kids, 3 dogs and 1 U-Haul loaded up and packed in tight, we were happy to be heading home! It took 11 days to get back. As soon as we got into town we made arrangements for my ex to pick up my daughter.  

That same week cheer camp started. Even though technically it was “his” time for the summer and he should’ve been responsible for picking up and dropping her off, that’s not the way it went. Prior to our move, we never went by the final paperwork. By HIS choice, he had never exercised his right for summer visitation, holiday visitation etc. He would more or less call when he wanted her and I would let him have her. He rarely kept her overnight, but would get her after school, do homework, eat dinner and bring her home. It has ALWAYS been my responsibility to take care of the extra curricular activities and making sure she was where she needed to be. Mostly because he doesn’t really like cheerleading, but that’s a whole  other blog!! Anyway, so that week, we co-parented and shared responsibility for taking and picking her up from cheer. It was not a big deal for me to pick her up for him since I was only 5 minutes away.  Everything was going well…we were getting along, everything was fine.  Until…..

My 14 year old daughter comes home from her dad house and tells me his future wife (his mistress from his 2nd marriage) says to her, “I was going to buy you that Chex mix you like, but I wanted to wait to see if you needed it first!” Then she grabs her belly and says, “You’ve put on some weight, haven’t you?” 

Now, any mother should know it took everything in me not to call her immediately to tell her what I thought of her comments to my daughter! My daughter who is 5 foot 9, wears a size ZERO and was barely 14!! Are you kidding me?!??!  Instead, I talked to my daughter calmly about her body image of herself, reiterated the fact that she was indeed NOT fat, and waited until I could calmly talk to the ex before I brought it up. His reply was, he heard her say it and he thought about saying something, but didn’t. So I just said to tell her to not talk about her weight or body anymore because if it happens again, I would be the one having the conversation! Still….at this point, everything was ok. 

July 4th weekend…

He had plans to take her to the race on Saturday with his future wife (&future ex😀), and her  kids. He was supposed to bring her home Sunday so she could do 4th of July with us. It was technically my weekend as he had her last year and we were now following the visitation schedule for holidays instead of splitting the day up like we had in prior years. While waiting for my daughter to come home, I laid down with the baby. I was woken up by my husband telling me something was wrong with my daughter. 

Apparently her dad had decided he wasn’t going to bring her home. So my daughter, being a smart mouthed teenager, starts arguing with him. He then tells her he’s not bringing her home at all! This was after I had received a text saying “come get me” from my daughter, so I sent my 18 year old daughter to pick her up not knowing what was going on!  So the ex proceeds to argue back and forth and she goes outside with her things to wait in her sister. So what does he do? He calls the cops and reports her for being an “unruly teen who’s running away”  By the time my husband got me from the babies bed, I had to call dispatch to see what was going on. They told me the officer would decide whether or not to arrest her when he arrived!! 

Now let me explain something to those who have no idea where we live what would’ve happened.  My daughter, my 14 year old daughter, who’s never been in trouble in school, never been suspended, would’ve/could’ve been arrested and taken to juvenile hall in Jacksonville, where she would’ve remained until Tuesday because it was a holiday weekend. All because she had a smart mouth and said something he didn’t like! 

Luckily, my older daughter arrived before the cops to get her sister.  He tried to threaten her and told her she was 18 now and could be in a lot of trouble if she took her, but she did anyway. He took pictures of her tag and called in a description. I met up with my girls a few minutes later and took them to the safety of our home. 

So…later that evening, my daughter received a text from his future wife telling her how disappointed she was in her! What in the hell???? Seriously….I couldn’t let it go this time. I told her what I thought about everything from her comments to my daughter to the affair she had with him while he was married to his second wife! And I also made sure she knew she wasn’t his first mistress….she wasn’t special….she was just the next in line and she needed a prenup with an infidelity clause!!

The ex kept threatening contempt of court, but I had the papers to prove it was MY weekend per the papers!  Of course he’s to,d everyone I stole her from him and it was HIS weekend, but a little screenshot of the paperwork texted to him stopped the threats. 

The day after,  my ex  blocked my daughter from calling or texting his phone.  She has no way of contacting him unless she happens to knock on his door and he’s at home.  He sold his sob story to his family as well. His mom had plans to go shopping with my daughter a few days later and backed out because “she couldn’t promise she wouldn’t talk about it!” This is a woman who claims to be a Christain woman. A devote Catholic who spends every minute she can involved in church functions.  Her husband is a deacon in the church, but yet it’s been over 2 weeks and not a word from them.  They are SO Christain, but yet are willing to stand before God with a smile on their face and support him as he says his vows for the THIRD time, after cheating on his first two wives!!!  Hypocrisy!  They never hold him accountable for his actions.  The blame was shifted to my daughter…a 14 year old little girl had to take the fall for her dad so he can continue to do what he does.  

And the rest of the family….chirp, chirp, chirp….you guessed it! Nothing. After the initial conversation with the Aunt where she basically sat there and bashed me to my daughter and blamed me for EVERYTHING….from the affair right down to the attack from the slutty mistress….it was ALL my fault!  HE did nothing. HE was the victim.  Oh and his second marriage….you guessed it….same thing….not his fault….all her fault! I guess his penis must’ve accidentally slipped and fell into another woman besides his wife!!! Gotta watch out for the slippery suckers….they will get you in trouble every time! 😂😂😂  And anytime they feel the need to back up their lies with the actual truth, they can march right on down to the court house and pull up a copy of the paperwork for themselves!  It’s better to know the truth before spreading lies all over town!  

In all seriousness, this was a blog I wished I never had to write.  I knew he was a weak man when it came to romantic relationships, but I never dreamed he would be so weak when it came to his parental one.  He handled his parental role much like he’s always handled his romantic relationships….at the first sign of trouble, when things get just a little bit too hard and it’s time to put some work & effort into it, he runs away as fast as he can.  That, my friends, is a sign of a true coward! 

I’m Back!!!

After a long hiatus, I’m back! It’s not that I want to take the time off from writing, trust me when I say there has been plenty of things to write about, but I had no choice! I had shoulder surgery almost 6 weeks ago and up until now, I was unable to reach my keyboard with my left hand without being in a lot of pain! Thanks to physical therapy, I am now able to share all of my thoughts once again! I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not! Ha ha! My blogs weren’t always welcomed from those who found themselves the subject matter of said blog! Oh well! I’m here to speak my mind and write the truth, not to appease others, so to hell with the haters!

It’s been hard staying away from blogging! Over the past few weeks, I had these thoughts that kept swirling around in my head just waiting to find themselves published here. All in good time. I haven’t forgotten what needs to be said. I haven’t forgotten the issues that my family has been through. Trust me, it hasn’t been pretty around here! Some people never change!

Enough of that for now. My sweet husband has been gone now for about 2 weeks! He left me….ha! No, not like left me, left me….but he left me to move to Florida. He had to report mid April which will leave me as a single parent once again until graduation in June. It will be worth it though. We would’ve been the most selfish parents in the world if we would’ve moved our daughter back to Florida at the end of her Senior year! Although it’s a sacrifice being a single parent AND being a single parent dealing with a painful recovery due to shoulder surgery, she is worth it! That’s what being a parent is all about….sacrifice for the sake of our children. Some people need a lesson in sacrifice, but my husband, fortunately, is a pro at it! He misses us terribly and FaceTime is our best friend, but he wouldn’t have it any other way! He will fly back in time for graduation and to move us back across the country! I’m excited for what the future holds for us as a family. I can’t wait to be back to normal again!

More than anything in the world, I’m most excited about being close to our family once again. Being away from our extended family has been difficult. We were so accustomed to having a wonderful support system in Florida. We have made some great friends here, lifelong friends, that will forever be a part of our lives, but I miss my older two kids. I miss my Sunday dinners. I miss our weekends spent together by the pool or cooking out! I just miss being together! Although my oldest daughter will still live 7 hours away, she will still be just a car ride away from us. A weekend trip here and there will be so much better than a once a year flight to Seattle! My kids mean the world to me and to have them all under one roof again, laughing and talking, is a dream come true!

I do have the most beautiful kids ever….I mean, just look at them! Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by them everyday! 10689495_10153769605935610_8598503142829822116_n[1]

Until next time,

Hugs and kisses to all my readers! My normal bitchy self will be back soon, I promise! Today I just felt a little sentimental! XOXO

My Heart Is Home!

After spending over 90 days apart, my husband finally made it home yesterday!  This patrol was particularly hard due to him leaving before the holidays and missing all of our children celebrating Christmas together under one roof! He celebrated his birthday on the boat without his family. Our anniversary was spent apart this year, but he was always in my heart! We also had very little contact during this patrol. Not receiving a lot of email can be particularly hard when you are trying to maintain a parental relationship by keeping your spouse informed of the happenings in our kids lives! He missed our sons birthday! He missed out on the entire cheer competition season, which will be the last for Makailyn! He also missed her 18th birthday and even though his boat pulled in the same day, he missed her Senior Year cheer banquet as well!

If you’ve never had the experience of being separated from your spouse due to military deployments, it’s hard to fathom how intense it can be. It’s funny how everything in this house is just better with him around. I have been a single parent before and was pretty successful at it, including putting myself through nursing school as a single mom, but this is different! I don’t want to be a single parent! I don’t want to face the day to day parental decisions on my own. I love being able to share it with my husband. Since he is a submariner, it isn’t as easy as picking up a phone, or skyping him just to see his face. We literally go months without hearing his voice and weeks without any email. Sometimes, by the time I send out and email and he is able to respond to any issues I’m dealing with, those issues have either been resolved or have amounted to new, bigger issues!

This is the life I chose to live with him. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because that would mean I wouldn’t have him! This is who he is and I love him for it! I am proud of him for sacrificing his time with us to do his job. It’s not easy on him…he misses out on so much with all of us! He comes home and a lot has changed. Everleigh is talking more clearly than when he left and you can see the “baby” in her slowly slipping away, but for him, it happened suddenly! We all have to make adjustments to make the transition go smoothly, but it’s worth it just to have him!

This was his last patrol for the next 3 years! He is heading to shore duty….a much needed break for our family! Every email I received during this patrol he talked about how much looked forward to spending quality family time with all of us. Being able to plan a family vacation without the fear of the boat schedule being changed and ruining those plans, and just being a normal dad that gets to come home every night to his family!  I’m looking forward to spending every night snuggling in bed with my love! Last night I was wide awake listening to the sound of him breathing beside me….the most comforting sound in the world! I can’t imagine my life without him, and lucky for me, he feels the same way. He will always and forever be the other half of my heart! I’m so glad he found me on the dance floor, and never took no for an answer! 🙂  I love you Mr. Berry! I can’t wait to make up for all of our missed anniversaries with our biggest one yet….number 10 baby!! You+me is all I will ever need! 12247034_10153691147090610_9219789234895271654_n

An Unwanted Anniversary

We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent.  Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try!  The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.

February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!

Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!

I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!

Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later?  I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.

The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too!  I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!

And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!

And to her question I will reply,  “Why?  Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”

 

 

 

PTSD… Who Me?

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric illness that often occurs after a mental or physical trauma. It can be something that you thought you dealt with, but then something triggers a reaction in yourself that can be frightening, traumatic, or just down right scary! It may present as a physical or mental issue or a combination of both.

I never thought I had PTSD. I mean, I’ve been to therapists over the past 11 years, and some have mentioned it to me, but I never REALLY thought I was suffering from PTSD. I have always somehow reserved that particular diagnosis for first responders, military members fighting in the war, people that witness the murder or assault of their friends or family etc., but never me. That was until a very intelligent friend (Thanks Sarah) mentioned it to me once again last week during a casual conversation via phone. Hmmm….I think she made me think about this possibility more than I really wanted to, but to think is to heal, so let the healing begin!

For those who don’t know, I was cheated on by my ex-husband. For those who have gone through similar experiences, you know all to well, it’s one of the hardest things to overcome. Adultery has a way of eating away your self-esteem. It takes away your confidence. It makes you doubt yourself in every way. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he chose to have an affair with a woman who attacked me physically with a beer bottle, leaving me with over 75 sutures to the face and breast. So now, I have a constant reminder of the affair staring back at me every time I look in a mirror or see a picture of myself. It never goes away. For them, they have moved on…both of them had more affairs with other people and got remarried. Thankfully, I never have to see her again, but not by his choice. He kept dating her after the attack, even bringing our child around her. But they stopped dating because a judge ordered no contact between her and my daughter who was 3 at the time! Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater seems to be fitting for him. Now I just have to deal with my daughter being drug through relationship after relationship, most of which have ended due to him cheating!

So now that I’ve explained my situation a little bit, I can get back on topic! It all began a little over a week ago. My wonderful husband had a port call. This was an unexpected port call that I was not mentally prepared for. It was great, don’t get me wrong! We usually go months without hearing his voice much less seeing his adorable face on FaceTime! But last week, we were given the chance to enjoy his smile, his encouraging words, his sweetness, and just him being him! Yes, I am SO in love with this man and just hearing his voice gives me butterflies! The girls were happy to hear from him too. I think Everleigh had given up on dada coming home from work! She’s been in much better spirits since hearing his voice last week!

One would think hearing my husband would be a happy occasion. But….there it was….without any warning…that nagging feeling of fear! What is he doing? Where is he? Who is he with? Is some slutty whore talking to him? As much as I tried to push those feelings down, they were there. I was up late at night, not sleeping well at all, and just overall anxious! Why was I being all crazy when this man has never given me a reason to doubt his love for me? He’s never made me feel anything less than beautiful, so why was I so concerned with his whereabouts and what he was doing?

Then my breaking point. I sat here waiting for his call. It was late and I was tired but I wasn’t willing to miss hearing his voice before bed. I tried to text him, no response. I thought maybe he had to go back to work and couldn’t call me, so I decided to use my iPhone to track him. My head was saying “JUST to see if he is at work” but my heart was saying “just to make sure he’s not a lying, cheating bastard like a lot of men I know!” There it was….he was in a hotel!! My heart sank! I picked up the phone and dialed his number, meanwhile mentally preparing for my upcoming divorce and facing life as a single mother once again! He answered….I guess I wasn’t expecting that since he was OBVIOUSLY in the middle of a scandalous rendezvous.  I asked where he was. He of course said he was eating and having a beer at a restaurant, not the hotel that I tracked him to. I was quiet….

Husband—“What’s wrong baby?”

Me—“Nothing”

Husband–“Baby, we HAVE to come here! I’m at the restaurant in the military hotel where we could stay and it’s awesome! It’s family friendly and they have lots to do…..”

I have to admit, I zoned out after I heard him speak those words. I am so stupid! Why would I ever doubt this man! He is the most caring, loving, family-oriented man I know! He has never been just about him and I, but us as a family! He plans everything, from career to vacations, around me and OUR kids! And when I say “our”, I mean all of our kids  including those that aren’t biologically his!  He definitely deserves 100% of my trust! So after 10 minutes, I told him why I was so quiet when I first called him. He said to me, “Baby, all I ever want is you! I hate being here without you and the kids…I love you!”

The best part is knowing that he meant it with all of his heart! He told me one time when we were dating he would NEVER walk out on my kids, no matter what! He knew what it felt like and there was no way he would ever do it to a child! When he said his vows on December 10, 2006, he meant every last word. For better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, he is the man of my dreams….my forever…my sanity….my love…my everything!

I’m sure the PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but when it does, I will always have my husband, the perfect cure, to help me through it!

9 Years & Counting

9 years ago today, I said “I do” for the fourth time! Holy crap! Sounds pretty terrible, doesn’t it? Sometimes I catch myself being a little embarrassed at the number of times I’ve been married when a stranger asks. So, I have to contemplate…do I tell them my life story or do I just let them believe I’m a woman, incapable of staying in love with one person for more than a millisecond?  Most of the time I take a deep breath and I start from the beginning!

The beginning is what set the standard for me as far as marriage went.  We may have been young, but we got it right…the first time. Unfortunately life had different plans and our forever ended almost as quickly as it began!  Even though the marriage ended tragically, the desire for that level of happiness did not.

I spent the rest of my 20’s searching aimlessly for “the one”, only to be hurt financially, emotionally, physically and verbally. But through the years, I never gave up. I knew one day I would find a man that was everything I wanted and needed him to be.

It happened when I least expected it…I found him!  At first I was skeptical, and so was everyone else. Let’s face it, my judgment hadn’t always been the best, but there was something about him that I was drawn to.

Although he was 9.5 years younger than me, we clicked. I tried to keep my wall up, but little by little, it came falling down. I finally found my forever kind of love in the most unexpected place and at the most unexpected time.

Fast forward 9 years later….It hasn’t always been easy, but we made it. When we married, he became a parental figure to 4 kids, some of which were not too accepting of the new man in our life. Who can blame them? Life had taught them not all men can be trusted so they kept a safe distance. It’s safe to say, 9 years later, I do believe the gap is finally closed!  We faced struggles again when I became sick. Being faced with the unknown is difficult, but my husband was my rock and my security. Whenever I thought I couldn’t possibly face another day, he was there to hold my hand and reassure me everything would be ok.

We decided to add another baby to our already large family. Our marriage went through fertility struggles, fertility treatment, a high risk pregnancy, weekly IM injections courtesy of my loving husband and we were blessed with a beautiful healthy baby girl as the Grand Prize!!!  I became a mother of 5 at 40 years old! When she was 3 weeks old, we were faced with a 4.5 month long deployment.

Half way through the deployment, I was informed he received orders to Washington State.  Once again, we were tested.  As a family, we packed up and moved across the country.  It was so hard leaving my family and friends behind, but my heart is wherever my husband happens to be and that’s where I belong!

9 years….WOW….and here I sit….alone….again…..ahhhh! The life of a Navy Wife! I’ve lost track of the missed anniversaries, birthday, holidays, and special occasions, but he always makes it up to us! Because when he’s here, he’s here! He loves us with every ounce of his being! How do I know? I see it in his eyes…I feel it in his touch…I see the sweet smile when he looks at our kids…I hear the excitement in his voice when he gets to call for the first time after deployment.  He is the most loving husband…the father my kids deserve…and the best forever I could’ve dreamed of!

Happy Anniversary to my one and only! You still give me butterflies after all these years! I will love you until forever is over!

 

Washington Bound—Day 3

Up and ready to go!! Today we will make it to Oklahoma for a much needed break from the driving! Once again, I woke up with hives….just great! I guess the stress is really getting to me! I initially thought it was from drinking wine, but I had no wine last night…thank God….I LOVE wine! 🙂

We decided to stop in McKinney, Tx on our way to see my friend, Katie, I haven’t seen in over 3 years! It was so nice to be able to spend time with her and her family! I’m so glad I finally got to meet her little boy…he is so adorable! I wish we lived closer to her!

Back on the road again…The drive is very familiar to me! I spent many years driving these roads with my parents. We traveled frequently between Florida and Oklahoma when I was a child! I swore I wouldn’t make the drive as an adult…and here I am, going further than I ever thought I would have too.

As an adult, I can appreciate the scenery. In some ways, it’s like looking at it for the first time. It’s peaceful here…it’s simple…it’s a part of me and who I am!

Hello Oklahoma…I am home!

Day 3 complete…452 miles!

Washington Bound–Day 2

We left Alabama and got a late start again. 2nd day in a row I’ve woken up with hives in the middle of the night. Benadryl seems to knock me out, leaving me groggy. Groggy+driving doesn’t mix!

The girls and I turned up the music and sang at the top of our lungs, enjoying the scenery as we went! Everything was peaceful and calm…no screaming baby, no fighting kids…perfect! After a few hours of driving, I decided to surprise my husband. It’s really the best thing a woman can do for a man…well, practically! I made a detour to Bass Pro Shop! My daughters were laughing when they turned around and saw him grinning as we pulled into the parking lot! We let the dogs out for a potty break and then went inside to grab a bite to eat! We snapped a few pictures of the girls with the fish and headed back on the road again.

We were driving for another hour or so before our first mishap. I was leading the way and I look up and see a large object heading right to our front window. With nowhere to go, I just knew it was going to hit. Right before impact, a gust of wind took the object into the median! All I can say is our guardian angels were watching out for us! My husband called to make sure we were all ok. These are the things that scare me to death during long trips! Anything can happen!

We arrived in Shreveport, La after dark and were ready for bed. It was a long day and I am just thankful we arrived in one piece!

Day 2 complete—–399 miles down….still too many left to count!

Washington Bound–Day 1

So here we go…Moving truck has pulled away from the house, goodbyes are said and done, husband has his truck loaded with the dogs and I am leading the pack with the 3 youngest girls.

Our first day of traveling was supposed to be a short one. We decided to stop in Mobile, Alabama to see my niece and her family before heading west. We got a late start but with only a 5 1/2 hour drive ahead of us, I wasn’t too concerned!

The first 3 hours went smoothly. Everleigh slept for most of that time which is VERY unusual for her. Meadow did a great job of entertaining her until she fell asleep. When she finally did wake up, we were able to make a short stop and feed her before hitting the road again. It wasn’t until the sun went down that Everleigh decided to throw a fit!

We continued on our journey and made decent time to Mobile. We arrived in time for dinner! It was great catching up with them before heading out, but once again, goodbyes are hard! This is the part I hate the most!

Day 1 completed….425 miles down….too many left to count!