Tag Archives: husband

Raising A Child of Divorce

The statistics are alarming these days. Divorce is often not seen as “if” but “when” it will happen. Two people vow to share their lives with each other, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, until DEATH…not, DIVORCE! But yet here I sit, 2 divorces behind me! The first divorce was partially my fault. I should’ve recognized the signs of abuse early on and never married him. But I didn’t and I left without any question in my mind I was doing the right thing. But the second divorce, no, I had no control over that one. Well, I guess I could’ve waited to let him file after the attack from his mistress, but that’s not what strong women do, right? And I had children that needed me to be a strong woman, to set an example for them to follow. Although I am happily married now and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, my divorce still haunts me! It’s almost like you aren’t married, but you never really get to let go of them if you share a child.

It’s been 10 years since the divorce. I prided myself on always being nice to him in spite of wanting to spit in his face for his part in the assault. I worked REALLY hard to overcome the hate I felt for this man. I knew I needed to let that go in order to co-parent our daughter. So that’s what I did. I invited him to her birthday parties, I kept him informed of everything that was going on in her life, I bit my tongue when he put women before his daughter, I called and tried to help him when he struggled being a father to a daughter! Open communication…always! If he wanted to see her, he was able to see her. No rules, just whatever was best for our girl! I even did my daughters hair for his 2nd wedding. No, I wasn’t always perfect, there were times I told him what I thought, but we were always able to work it out!

Fast forward 2 years in to his 2nd marriage and he cheats once again!! Of course the mistress is also married. He of course had a bunch of blame to place on his wife, but being on the other side of the blame game, I knew better than to believe the stories I was hearing! A few months before their split, we moved across the country due to my husbands orders. My daughter was supposed to fly back and spend Christmas with her dad. When she had been there 3 months before, he had been married to his wife. I begged him not to introduce our daughter to another woman just yet…she wasn’t ready. He assured me he would not! He was still denying the affair, but being from a small town, the rumor mill still traveled from east to west coast with ease!  While she was there, she not only met his mistress, but she and her kids went on vacation together. My ex and his mistress slept in the same bed while my daughter and her kids shared the same hotel room with them! Both of them were still married to other people…what kind of example was he setting for our daughter!

Needless to say, when she returned and I found out about the visit, I was upset! I called and told him I didn’t agree! We exchanged words and he threatened to take me back to court. He had agreed on the move but stated he would tell the court I had kidnapped her. Well, we ended up in court that summer. Child support was increased, something I never wanted, but since having a new girlfriend, he suddenly didn’t have the money to help with her extra curricular activities. Since that had been our agreement, I had no other choice but to take him back. I have to pay 100% of the airfare…not a big deal since there are only 3 more visits before we move back.

This is the first time my daughter remembers us arguing after the divorce . It breaks my heart for her, but there is nothing I can do. I’ve tried talking to him, but he refuses. He’s too busy with his new family! My daughter begged him to come to a competition this year, he kept saying he didn’t have the money now that his child support increased, but yet the vacations with his new family continued. During Competition season, she asked again, only to be given the excuse he couldn’t take off work. Well, less than a month after state competition, my daughter found out he went to South America with his mistress/now fiancée! Of course he didn’t spend a thing, but he did take off work to go, which was one of the many excuses he’s told our daughter.

It’s been a rough time for all of us. My husband is also deployed so we don’t have the support from him we are accustomed to having. This past week was bad in particular. My pain level was extremely high, my shoulder is giving me hell and although surgery is scheduled for March, it does nothing to relieve the pain now. The fibromyalgia is off the charts and so I have been an emotional wreck. Add to that an emotional daughter due to finding out another lie her dad told her and another bunch of excuses to make it all better, it really isn’t a good combination! Whenever she’s pissed at him, it all falls back on me! Usually I can handle it well, but with how I was feeling, I finally snapped back at her!

“How is it fair that I always get yelled at? Why is it always me that takes the brunt of what you’re feeling? Why do you scream at me whenever you are mad at him?”

With tears in her eyes she said “I can’t help it, I’m closer to you! I can’t tell him how I feel”

And with that statement, it made it all worth it! I remember telling him when she was younger, he was going to wake up one day and she would be grown up! He needed to take advantage of the time he had with her now before she became a teenager! Well that time is gone, and he wasted it on trying to impress women instead of being the dad to his daughter she deserves!

Just because you divorce, doesn’t mean you can rid yourself of them forever. Often times, the same hurt they caused you during your marriage, you will one day see in the eyes of your child! As a parent, seeing that pain is way worse than any pain he could’ve caused me. I wish I could take it all away, but since I can’t, I will just love her with everything I have! After all, she’s the best thing that came out of that marriage…she’s made every ounce of pain worth it and I would go through it all again!

 

 

 

Uncovering The Truth

If you need to catch up here is and Part 1 and Part 2!

Going through a divorce is hard enough, but when you are going through a divorce and suddenly become the topic of conversation in a small town, it makes it even worse! Anyone who lives or has lived in a small town knows how toxic the rumor mill can be when you are struggling through a hard time in your life. For me in particular, dealing with the divorce was hard enough, but dealing with the rumors about my assault from my husbands mistress at times made it unbearable! It seemed everyone knew someone, who knew someone, who knew EXACTLY what had happened…and they would swear by it!

One of the biggest misconceptions was my initiation of the attack. Although some will still argue I started the altercation, I was able to produce enough evidence to prove otherwise. It still didn’t matter when people that weren’t even present suddenly became experts on my life! For instance, it was stated by multiple people, including the mistress, I was MUCH larger than she was! That was not the case. I may have been taller, but due to a great diet I like to call the “devastated divorce diet”, I was as thin as I was in high school. My attacker was not fat, but very stocky. If I was indeed bigger, how was she able to overpower me and do the damage with the beer bottle without having any obvious signs of a fight other than some redness! Again, I have photos to prove this fact!

It was so hard watching people I once considered friends and family turn their backs on me and side with a serial cheater. They knew his past and knew the facts of the case, but still chose to not only take his side, but use every opportunity to make me look bad in the community in which I lived. I couldn’t even go to work without hearing from other firemen about the lies and disgusting things the mistress was saying to her colleagues about me and the situation. It seemed like every time I had to call rescue for a patient, I had to brace myself for an interrogation from the firemen who walked through the door! I reached my boiling point…I had enough of being treated like the villain. This woman, my husband, and anyone close to them were slandering my name, making themselves into the victims! The affair continued and her husband was one of the many people who believed the lies she told. I was determined to make sure she didn’t destroy him the same way she had destroyed me. I wanted him to know what kind of evil woman he was really married too.

I decided the only way to make him believe me was to provide him the same proof I had…voice mail messages from his wife to my husband. My husband had not changed his password on his cellphone, so for several weeks I taped the messages she left for him. Most were sexual in nature. She sounded cheap and nasty. From everything I gathered in the messages, she liked it rough! Maybe that was the intrigue…he didn’t have to respect her, he only had to flip her 50 ways from Sunday and she felt like a special bitch! One message in particular she was giggling like a school girl…”I don’t know what you did to my back last night, but it’s still hurting today!” I guess she would stop at nothing to have his undivided attention!

After I had enough to prove the affair to her husband, I waited for a day when I knew she would be at the fire station working, which wasn’t hard to do since she and my husband were on the same shift. I won’t lie, when her husband answered the phone, he wasn’t happy to hear from me. So I just played the first message for him. He got quiet and then asked me to stop the tape. He questioned my intentions and why I was doing this to him. I told him I just wanted him to know the truth and he deserved better than this! Then I recounted for him another message regarding a meeting she called to cancel due to her husbands plans changing. The voice mail message she left for my husband let him know he couldn’t come over that evening and that her husband and son had just went to his parents house but would be back shortly! At that moment, I knew he believed me….but at that moment, my heart broke for him. I knew all too well the feeling of betrayal he was feeling. One minute your marriage is your happy place and the next minute it’s like a wave of water has washed all of the comfort away!

The next day wasn’t better. I heard the message her husband left for my husband, begging him to leave her alone. He just wanted a chance to work out their marriage. He wanted my husband to be a man and walk away…time to let them figure out their marriage. But that never happened. My husband continued to sleep with her without remorse. As a matter of fact, he threatened me with the police since I had tapped his phone! Ha…I didn’t tap his phone, I just listened to the messages! But we were married, and the phone was not just his, but also mine, therefore not illegal! 🙂 He was more than pissed at me, but it didn’t change the outcome of the situation. They continued the affair, and I continued with the divorce. But for me, at least I knew I did my best to protect another spouse from being blindsided by betrayal.

It’s been over 10 years since I had that conversation. I recently had the chance to catch up a little bit through messenger. I was able to apologize for the way I handled that situation all of those years ago. My intention was never to hurt him personally, although I know my phone call did just that. I know eventually he would’ve found out anyway, but I hate knowing it was me that delivered the news. He is such a gracious man and doesn’t blame me at all! I am so relieved to know he understands why I did what I did. All I ever wanted was for him to know the truth and get the happiness he deserved…and now, I know he has just that!! He is got remarried and has more kids. Although we were both changed by our spouses affairs, our lives changed for the better! No more doubts, no more hurt, no more tears, no more lies…just love and happiness!! And for that, I will forever be grateful!

 

This is my happily ever after! 🙂

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Hey, It’s Me…

If you missed the first part of this story, you can find it here!

So there I am, standing in the kitchen staring at my phone with a million thoughts running through my mind. What should I do? Should I listen to the message? Should I just delete it and finish cooking our dinner and wait for his arrival? We were going to marriage counseling to save our marriage and throughout every session, his main complaint was I didn’t trust him. Wouldn’t this just prove how much I really did trust him and our marriage if I just deleted the message? But…if I had been wrong this whole time and this one little message could reassure me, then wasn’t it worth listening to it? Of course it was worth it!! I would be able to work on my insecurities and our marriage if indeed this voice mail message was as innocent as he had been proclaiming for months!

With my hands trembling, I pressed play. That was the first time I heard “her” voice. My heart sank…my stomach clenched up….my throat felt like I had a huge mass of uncertainty stuck half way down….there it was…her voice…my husbands mistress! “Hey…It’s me. I really want to see you tonight. I know you are in counseling but call me when you are done. I’ve got an out!  Anyway, call me….bye!”

The seductiveness rolled off of her tongue like a cheap phone sex operator. She was practically screwing him through the phone message! It felt dirty…it felt slimy….it felt devastating…it felt shocking…it felt like I could feel my whole world falling apart with every word this stranger spoke!  I didn’t have much time to react or make a plan of how to handle the situation. My husband would be at our family home soon. There was no way I could sit there through dinner with our children, see the hopefulness in their eyes, and pretend the man across from me wasn’t the most cold-hearted, deceitful man I had ever met! First, I told my oldest to take the girls upstairs to their playroom and no matter what, don’t come downstairs! Then, I called my parents. I informed them I had confirmed the affair through a message, he was on his way to the house and they should probably come get the kids! Then, I waited to see the all too familiar headlights shine into the window as he pulled into the driveway!

When he pulled up I met him outside and climbed into the passenger seat of the truck. I asked him what her name was. He started spewing the same lies I had heard over and over again. I asked again, What is her name, but with more force this time! Men, if we are asking, trust me, more likely than not, we already know the answer! Once again, he denied any “other” woman and started telling me I was crazy! So in the most seductive, condescending voice I could muster, I said “Hey, It’s me. I really want to see you tonight!” I wish I had a video of his reaction. His face went from cocky to pure shock! He started yelling at me and said “Get the f**k out of my truck!” I said hell no, my name is on this bitch too! So he leaned over, opened the passenger door and tried to shove me out! I  reached over, grabbed the keys and threw them over the fence into the neighbors backyard, that housed two very unfriendly German shepherds. I looked my lying husband in the eyes and said now you have no choice but to talk to me! Instead of being a man and telling me the truth, he called 911 to have the police come out and get his keys.

After he left, I called our phone carrier and asked for the last 5 numbers that called his phone. One of those were that of his mistress. I sat down on the bed, dialed the number and waited for her to answer. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to make that call. When she answered I could tell she was expecting my call. She was calm and relaxed. I’m sure my husband had called and informed her of how the evening had transpired. I told her who I was and asked her if she knew he was married. She said she did know. She also knew we had kids. I told her I wasn’t mad at her, she wasn’t the one I was married too, but I wanted her to know he was married and we had a family. I wanted her to know he was supposedly “working” on our marriage in counseling. I wanted her to know we were still being intimate up until that night. For all I knew, he had been lying to her as well. She told me she didn’t mind answering any questions so I asked her the biggest one…have you been intimate with my husband? She said, “No, but I can see it going that way?”  My heart sank! So their relationship was more than friendship…even though she denied intimacy, it was most definitely not just a friendship! My final question was why she said “I have an out!” She said she lived with her parents.

It was after this conversation when I realized they both had been lying. Less than 24 hours later, I found out her name, her age, where she lived, where she worked and the truth…she was married and had a child! All I can say is the internet is a dangerous place…you can find out anything with the right investigational skills! And the biggest lie of them all…they worked together and that is where they had met…the fire station! While my husband was away from our family supposedly working, he was also building a relationship with another colleague. I was at home missing him and  he was at work not giving two shits what was going on at home! All he cared about was his new, exciting relationship!

And his mistress! This woman sat on the phone with me and pretended to care. She told me to call her anytime. She knew she had power. She was seducing my husband and he was more than willing to open himself up to whatever she was offering! Both of them disgusted me! I was so angry at both of them! I knew her “out” she spoke of was not her parents, but it was her husband. So I decided I would tell her husband exactly what his wife was doing with my husband! I picked up the phone, called their home phone and left a message. I told him who I was and gave him my contact number. I told him our spouses were having an affair!  Well, turns out he didn’t receive my message. She had her home phone disconnected so I was unable to contact her husband. She was determined to keep the affair a secret from her husband, but she was more than happy that I knew about it!

My husband called me later that night and told me I was crazy and he couldn’t believe I called her husband! Really? What in the hell did he expect? Did he expect me just to take it? He wanted me to be strong and be more like the woman I was when we first got married…why was he mad now that I was doing just that?

What I didn’t realize is this was my first contact with pure evil! This was just a glimpse of what she was capable of. She is the type of woman who actively seeks out married men! She loves the attention. She loves to be desired. She needs it…like you need oxygen to breath. Having a loving husband and a beautiful baby wasn’t enough for her. She needed more. She needed to be wanted and desired more than any other! I feel like she searched for the weakest man and she found him! A man that needed to feel powerful. A man who needed to be the center of attention & not share attention with kids. A man who didn’t want to think about responsibility. A man who just wanted to have sex without any other distractions….and she found him…my husband!

The night she attacked me just proves how terribly wrong an affair can go. Maybe I shouldn’t have left the message on her home phone, but I hardly consider that unreasonable when faced with this type of situation. She really should’ve expected to have someone tell her husband about her affair, especially when she was being so cocky when discovered by the wife! They both were selfish and started the affair for their own selfish reasons. Neither one of them contemplated the effects of the affair on their families. Neither one of them thought about the children before they climbed into bed with each other. They only cared about their own desires.

After the attack the rumor mill was rampant!  My husband had no problems telling anyone who would listen I was lying, even though he openly started dating her in our small town! So let’s get this straight…BEFORE she stabbed me, you were “just” friends, but then AFTER she stabbed me, that made y’all closer!!! For the love of GOD….WHO IN THE HELL WOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT CROCK OF CRAP!!!!  I threatened to tell her husband once again but I was informed by my husband that I could tell him whatever I wanted…he thought I was just a crazy, jealous wife and he would NEVER believe what I had to say!

Never? That’s a long time!! Logically, I knew her husband would believe her word over mine because this was his wife, but how could I get him to believe the truth? He deserved better than this! He deserved more than having his wife laying in his own bed with my husband while he was at work! He deserved more than his son being included on “dates” with them!  How could I get him to believe me! Then it hit me…I only believed it when I heard it with my own ears! So I set out on a mission. A mission that took 2 months to complete, but it was worth it, for both her husband and I!

Part 3 Tomorrow

The proof is in the pudding! 🙂

Why did he cheat?

Every woman asks this question when the affair comes to light. The emotional roller coaster you begin to ride is not one of choice, but nevertheless, you must ride it until the end! During the aftermath of the affair you can feel different everyday. One day you may feel hope, the next you may want to make your spouse disappear, then the next thing you know, your emotions bring you to complete and utter hopelessness! One thing is for certain, all women will at some point question themselves. What did I do? What can I change about me? Those are some really hard questions to ask yourself, but it’s even harder to answer them truthfully.

I went through the normal roller coaster ride of post-affair aftermath. During that time I did a lot of questioning of myself. Most of these doubts were spurred by my estranged husband. I remember in the beginning of what I now know was the end, we were sitting at the marriage counselor. She was asking us to tell her why we were there. I explained to her I thought he was seeing someone else. She questioned him and he denied seeing anyone. He called me crazy. He said I was insecure. He said I had lost it. He had “no clue” why I was doubting him, but I was pushing him away. He said “She is needy, she’s weak…I want the strong woman I married back!!”  At this point I was feeling pretty low about myself. The counselor looked at him and said, ” I need my husband, but that doesn’t make me weak!” At that point, I knew we were on the same track…she knew he was being untruthful, now if would only admit it!

But I am not without blame. Like I said, I had to dig deep within myself and try to figure out what I could’ve done to make things different. My first two marriages ended out of my control, but I needed to know if I had any control in this one! I came to a conclusion….I expected too much! I had high expectations of marriage and how a man is a father.

When our baby girl was born, she was unexpectedly admitted into the NICU. It was the hardest 8 days of my life. I just wanted my baby to be healthy and home where she belonged. Instead of being supportive, my husband left and went back to work. This left me alone with 3 kids, pumping my breast around the clock, and going twice a day to the hospital which was a 45 minute drive from our house. I wasn’t allowed to drive since I had a tubal ligation the day she was born, so I had to depend on my parents to drive me to and from the hospital, as well as care for the other kids. My husbands parents left town the day after she was born because they weren’t allowed to visit her in the NICU. With him working 24 hour shift, it was all a little too much to deal with alone…but I did it! I survived! We all did…and I thought our marriage would make it through anything life had in store!

Our daughter was diagnosed with asthma within her first year of birth. She was in and out of the hospital…anytime she got a slight cold, we were back in the hospital! October 2004, right before we separated, she was admitted. I was working Home Health at the time and didn’t have “time off” with pay, so if I didn’t work, no money. My husband on the other hand could take one day off and be off all week. So the plan was for me to work during the day and he would stay with her. Then I would come back and stay all night with them. She spent 6 days in the hospital, including Halloween. I tried to make the best of it. I dressed her up as Snow White on Halloween and let her pass out candy to others! She had fun, that’s all that mattered! I won’t lie, it was stressful. I was working, coming to the hospital, sleeping in the bed with my 2 year old and being woken up every 2 hours when they would come in to do breathing treatments. Then back to work the next day! One of the last couple of days we were there, when I arrived at the hospital after work, my husband informed me his mother would be coming to the hospital to stay, he just needed to go home! I was so upset! My daughter didn’t know his mom that well. They didn’t live in town and didn’t make an effort to see her often enough to form a bond with her. 2 year olds are clingy…sick 2 year olds are EXTREMELY clingy! There was no way I wanted to leave her with his mom as sick as she had been! She didn’t know everything about her like we did. This is an example of me expecting too much out of my husband! I expected him to want to be there just as much as I wanted to be there! It was all I could do to walk out of those doors everyday for work, and if our livelihood didn’t depend on it, you can bet I would’ve been right there with my daughter the entire time! Looking back, I should’ve just let it go. Men are weak…especially men who keep everything locked up emotionally….they are the weakest. I guess I should’ve realized he was struggling with her illness and couldn’t deal with it, but I am not a mind reader! At the time, my daughter was my first priority and I didn’t have the time or the energy to try and analyze what was really going on in his head! I just needed him to be there for his daughter….I just needed him to be there for us…..but he couldn’t, he wasn’t!

In November that same year, my oldest daughter had a district cheer competition. She asked my husband to go. He told her he had to work, but he PROMISED her if they made it to Regionals in Orlando, he would go. Well, they made it! Regionals were in Orlando Thanksgiving weekend. We had planned to go to his parents for Thanksgiving dinner, then we would leave to go to the competition from there. He decided he didn’t want to go to the cheer competition. As a matter of fact, he refused! I begged, I pleaded, I got angry, I got sad, I cried….we went alone…just my two oldest girls and myself! He stayed with his parents and other two kids. When we got home after the weekend we had a huge fight! I was so mad at him! I knew my oldest daughter needed a positive male role model in her life. I assumed when we married he would be that guy since her dad was deceased. Needless to say, the argument was a big one. He made the comment that she didn’t need him there at the competition! I was trying to explain to him that she needed a dad figure in her life and I thought it was going to be him. He said she has a dad! When I spoke, I misspoke and he has never let me forget it!! What I said was “She would be better off if you were dead!”….what I meant was “If you weren’t there because you were dead, she would be better off!” Meaning…she wasn’t upset with her biological dad for not being there…it wasn’t a choice. But her stepdad made a promise and was now choosing to not see it through!  Once again, this is something I could’ve changed! I can’t make him be a good father…I can’t make him be a good person….all I can do is be me! I needed to fight fair, but when I see my child disappointed, all logic goes out the window!

After I found the Panera receipts for breakfast for 2, I was fairly certain he was having an affair, but I needed to be sure! I needed cold, hard proof, and I intended to get it!  You know what they say….A woman scorned does better work than an FBI agent! So off to work I went! Since I had set up his cell phone and voice mail password, I helped myself to his voicemail. I had it set up to when someone left a voicemail on his phone, it also left a duplicate….on mine! 🙂

One night in January I had a marriage counselor session alone and then he had one following mine. Then, he was coming home to eat a family dinner (he was living with his sister at this point).   I was at home cooking our dinner. Right when he was due to walk out of the counseling session, 6:01 to be exact, my voice mail pings!  I stopped and stared at my phone…did I really want to know? What should I do? OMG….what if it’s ….HER!!!!!

I bet you can guess….

****CONTINUING TOMORROW****

 

 

 

We Have Something in Common…Our Husbands Mistress

Every decision we make in life affects those around us as well.  The impact can be big or small, it can be life changing or life ending, or it can just simply bring two people who were once strangers together, and make them instant friends!

A couple of years after my attack, I got married to my current husband Chris! He is literally everything I needed him to be and more. I have been accused of sleeping with him and having an affair during the time my ex husband started his affair, but once again, I have proof otherwise. He is in the Navy and was deployed during this timeframe! Just another way for people to make excuses for those who nearly destroyed my life! Anyway, I met my husband Chris 3 months after I was stabbed and 2 weeks before my reconstructive surgery. It was a bad time for me as one can imagine. The furthest thing from my mind was meeting my future husband, but God has a funny way of giving you just what you need in your darkest hour! He’s 9 years younger than me and I jokingly tell him he was just supposed to be a distraction, but he just never went away! I knew he was a keeper after the reconstructive surgery, which he insisted on being there for! I woke up in recovery, my face was swollen and I looked like crap. He held my hand, looked down at me and said “You are so beautiful!”  Of course I know he was lying about my physical appearance, but I’ve since learned he fell in love with ALL of me, not just what you see on the outside!

One night shortly after we were married I was getting ready for bed and Chris was in the shower. My phone rang and I answered it. A woman asked me if I was Kenna-Joy Treadwell. Of course I paused because I was remarried. I asked who she was and what she wanted. She said “Do you know (attacker)?” I yelled at her and hung up the phone! I immediately started shaking and crying! The reaction to hearing “her” name was so intense, so raw….it felt like the attack had just happened all over again! I ran into the bathroom and was comforted by my husband immediately! The phone rang again….I swear my heart felt like it stopped! Why were they calling me? Why wouldn’t they just leave me alone and let me live my life?

This wasn’t the first phone call I had received, but it was definitely the first time the same person called twice. For a while the blocked calls came frequently. They would always involve telling me about one of my attackers violent blow ups while on the job. Whether it was her spitting on a patient or hitting a coworker, it seemed like she always went unpunished. The callers never identified themselves but would always say they knew what she was capable of. They always upset me because I felt helpless. She was still violent and there was nothing that was going to change who she was!

But this call was different. As soon as I answered the second time, I heard it in her voice….the same desperation I had heard in my own voice when I was going through my separation and divorce! Then she revealed who she was. “My husband is having an affair with (attacker) too! I just took a deep breath and said “Stay away from her…she’s dangerous!”

I sat down on my bed and what began as a conversation ended up as a friendship! She was going through the same thing I had gone through a few years before. Her husband was also a firefighter and worked with my attacker. He was her superior. Both parties involved were still married to other people when their affair started. Is this not frowned upon at all? How can people who are supposed to be working continually use their time to engage in extramarital affairs and this be alright with their employer! I guess the fact they work 24 hour shifts together creates a perfect environment for rampant cheating! Tax payers money hard at work! The fact that she was sleeping with a superior should’ve had both of them reprimanded at the very least but once again, she is above the law!

Our situations were similar in many ways. She was making the wife distraught with her negative comments. Her goal was to end the marriage. There were secret rendezvous and vacations. One rendezvous in particular, the wife was able to follow them to a hotel where she ended up being injured by a moving vehicle where her husband and his mistress were occupants. Luckily the injuries were mild, but still no repercussions.

I instantly felt a connection with her, of course. I’m not sure how long we spoke that evening, but we eventually made plans to meet in person. My first thought when I saw her was what in the hell was her husband thinking! Judy was a beautiful woman and as I sat down and talked to her I learned of her inner beauty! She is a true Christian. She spoke often of her faith during our conversation. Over the next few months we spoke frequently. One day she called to tell me my attacker was sorry for what she had done and wanted forgiveness! My first response was what in the hell are you talking about? They had spoken, her husband and his mistress were broken up. She apologized to Judy for what she had done and like any Christian, she opened her heart and forgave her.

Then, she dropped a bomb on me! Judy said, “She’s sorry for what she did to you that night too! She said she wished it never happened! You should really forgive her. She’s accepted Christ into her heart and is asking for forgiveness!”

My mouth hung open as I processed the information I had just been given! I couldn’t believe my ears. I am not a person that goes to church like I should, but I am a Christian and I believe in forgiveness with all of my heart! So why was I having such a hard time opening my mouth and saying the words “I forgive you”?

Then it came to me….to be forgiven, you must first be sorry for what you’ve done. You must be remorseful, you must be shameful for the act you carried out, you must feel empathy for your victim and you must be willing to accept the punishment for your actions! So my response was this….”If she is really sorry for what she did and wants forgiveness, tell her to go down to the Sheriffs Office and tell them exactly what she did! Tell them the truth….admit she stabbed me!” I told Judy I knew she was just after something…probably just trying to get information of some sort from her!

It was a while before I heard from Judy again. When I did, she admitted that the mistress was only using her to get information about her husband during their breakup! This woman had no boundaries she will not cross in order to get what she wants! Using Christianity as a ploy to get information because she knew the level of dedication of Judy’s faith is so low! But then again, why should I be surprised!

Judy and I remain friends bonded by a heartless mistress who tried to destroy both of our lives! She is still just as pretty as the day we met, inside and out! She has been a voice for me many times when I wasn’t around to dispute lies! She put me in touch with people to try and put a stop to the lack of justice received! I am not happy with the circumstances in which we first met, but I can’t imagine being on this journey alone without my sidekick!

The “mistress” ended up married to Judy’s husband. I often wonder which one will cheat first! I wouldn’t be surprised if it were him….you can only be fake so long before your inner ugliness shines bright, and age hasn’t been her friend either! Maybe that will be the Karma I’ve been waiting on….A little justice I call “a dose of your own medicine!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

PTSD… Who Me?

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric illness that often occurs after a mental or physical trauma. It can be something that you thought you dealt with, but then something triggers a reaction in yourself that can be frightening, traumatic, or just down right scary! It may present as a physical or mental issue or a combination of both.

I never thought I had PTSD. I mean, I’ve been to therapists over the past 11 years, and some have mentioned it to me, but I never REALLY thought I was suffering from PTSD. I have always somehow reserved that particular diagnosis for first responders, military members fighting in the war, people that witness the murder or assault of their friends or family etc., but never me. That was until a very intelligent friend (Thanks Sarah) mentioned it to me once again last week during a casual conversation via phone. Hmmm….I think she made me think about this possibility more than I really wanted to, but to think is to heal, so let the healing begin!

For those who don’t know, I was cheated on by my ex-husband. For those who have gone through similar experiences, you know all to well, it’s one of the hardest things to overcome. Adultery has a way of eating away your self-esteem. It takes away your confidence. It makes you doubt yourself in every way. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he chose to have an affair with a woman who attacked me physically with a beer bottle, leaving me with over 75 sutures to the face and breast. So now, I have a constant reminder of the affair staring back at me every time I look in a mirror or see a picture of myself. It never goes away. For them, they have moved on…both of them had more affairs with other people and got remarried. Thankfully, I never have to see her again, but not by his choice. He kept dating her after the attack, even bringing our child around her. But they stopped dating because a judge ordered no contact between her and my daughter who was 3 at the time! Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater seems to be fitting for him. Now I just have to deal with my daughter being drug through relationship after relationship, most of which have ended due to him cheating!

So now that I’ve explained my situation a little bit, I can get back on topic! It all began a little over a week ago. My wonderful husband had a port call. This was an unexpected port call that I was not mentally prepared for. It was great, don’t get me wrong! We usually go months without hearing his voice much less seeing his adorable face on FaceTime! But last week, we were given the chance to enjoy his smile, his encouraging words, his sweetness, and just him being him! Yes, I am SO in love with this man and just hearing his voice gives me butterflies! The girls were happy to hear from him too. I think Everleigh had given up on dada coming home from work! She’s been in much better spirits since hearing his voice last week!

One would think hearing my husband would be a happy occasion. But….there it was….without any warning…that nagging feeling of fear! What is he doing? Where is he? Who is he with? Is some slutty whore talking to him? As much as I tried to push those feelings down, they were there. I was up late at night, not sleeping well at all, and just overall anxious! Why was I being all crazy when this man has never given me a reason to doubt his love for me? He’s never made me feel anything less than beautiful, so why was I so concerned with his whereabouts and what he was doing?

Then my breaking point. I sat here waiting for his call. It was late and I was tired but I wasn’t willing to miss hearing his voice before bed. I tried to text him, no response. I thought maybe he had to go back to work and couldn’t call me, so I decided to use my iPhone to track him. My head was saying “JUST to see if he is at work” but my heart was saying “just to make sure he’s not a lying, cheating bastard like a lot of men I know!” There it was….he was in a hotel!! My heart sank! I picked up the phone and dialed his number, meanwhile mentally preparing for my upcoming divorce and facing life as a single mother once again! He answered….I guess I wasn’t expecting that since he was OBVIOUSLY in the middle of a scandalous rendezvous.  I asked where he was. He of course said he was eating and having a beer at a restaurant, not the hotel that I tracked him to. I was quiet….

Husband—“What’s wrong baby?”

Me—“Nothing”

Husband–“Baby, we HAVE to come here! I’m at the restaurant in the military hotel where we could stay and it’s awesome! It’s family friendly and they have lots to do…..”

I have to admit, I zoned out after I heard him speak those words. I am so stupid! Why would I ever doubt this man! He is the most caring, loving, family-oriented man I know! He has never been just about him and I, but us as a family! He plans everything, from career to vacations, around me and OUR kids! And when I say “our”, I mean all of our kids  including those that aren’t biologically his!  He definitely deserves 100% of my trust! So after 10 minutes, I told him why I was so quiet when I first called him. He said to me, “Baby, all I ever want is you! I hate being here without you and the kids…I love you!”

The best part is knowing that he meant it with all of his heart! He told me one time when we were dating he would NEVER walk out on my kids, no matter what! He knew what it felt like and there was no way he would ever do it to a child! When he said his vows on December 10, 2006, he meant every last word. For better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, he is the man of my dreams….my forever…my sanity….my love…my everything!

I’m sure the PTSD will rear its ugly head from time to time, but when it does, I will always have my husband, the perfect cure, to help me through it!

The Curse of Christmas

Every year, the weekend of Thanksgiving, the trees begin to come out and the lights are sparkling! It’s the beginning of the Christmas season! Most everyone is excited to put up the tree and decorate for the holidays. I was that person…the person who’s tree went up on Thanksgiving weekend NO MATTER WHAT! Now I can barely stand the thought of dragging out the decorations, much less looking at them for over a month. It’s a constant reminder of what’s to come.

December 1994, I was 21 years old. I was happily married to my high school sweetheart. We had a beautiful baby boy who would be two years old in February. We were young, in love, and living the American dream! I stayed home with our baby and he worked a full time job. He was also an amateur boxer with dreams to attend the Olympics. We were so innocent, so trusting of life, so content…but that all changed quickly and suddenly on December 26, 1994.
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(The day after our son was born)

We had a great Christmas! Our son was so excited about the tree, lights, and presents! He was able to understand the concept of Santa and presents, although Santa was not his favorite person! We had a great Christmas with family and friends. 2676_75491480609_5634713_n
(My son’s Christmas picture)

The day after Christmas, my husband went hunting with his brother. Little did I know, our morning good-bye kiss would be the last time our lips would touch.

Me and my son were busy that day. We put our gifts away, cleaned out the closets, and my son happily informed me “I colored….on the wall!” That meant mommy had to scrub the ink off the wall before daddy got home to see his sons artwork!

Then the call came…just after lunch…

My mother-in-law called to tell me there had been an accident. I panicked! All I could think of was my husband has been shot in the woods. The next few hours were a blur. My in-laws picked me and my son up and we headed to the hospital. I remember clearly my mother-in-law saying the Lord’s Prayer over and over. I prayed in silence while my son fell asleep. It seemed like the hospital was hours away.

When we arrived, a doctor came out to meet with us. I took one look at his face and I knew….NO, NO, NO! Please just stop talking! I didn’t want to hear the words but my mind wouldn’t allow me to block out the sound! “Your husband was killed in a car accident…we did everything we could do to save him.”

The next five days were filled with the most pain I’ve ever felt in all my life. I cried, I screamed, I begged…I just wanted it to be December 25th again so I could say “Please don’t go hunting tomorrow!” No matter what I did, the days kept passing by and my husband would never walk back through our door again. I couldn’t imagine how I was supposed to go on without the love of my life. How was I supposed to tell my son he would never see his father again? How would we survive without him?

Five days after his death, I got my answer. I woke up and realized I was late. Mother nature had not visited since my husbands death. I took a test…I stood in shock, staring blankly at that little + sign…we were pregnant! Oh my God….I’m pregnant! We are having another baby! Then the reality hit…I am having another baby. My husband would not be able to experience the joy of another child with me.

The news spread quickly. For the first time in days, life once again seemed possible. God had granted me a miracle to help me and my son through this tragedy. We now had something to look forward to, instead of always wanting to look back.

8 months after my husbands death, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, vibrant baby girl! She looked just like her daddy. Over the years I’ve realized she acts just like her daddy. She brought happiness and hope back to a family that was broken. Our one last gift from her daddy.
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Over the years, Christmas has become easier to cope with. When the lights come out, the dread is still there, but the pain is shadowed by the happiness and love that fills our home. I was not only blessed with 3 more children, but I was also lucky to maintain a wonderful relationship with my first husbands family. My 3 younger children are blessed with an extra set of grandparents who love them like they are their own. I would like to think my husband is smiling down on us, happy that we all stuck together through the rough times!

There is not a day goes by that I don’t think of my first husband. I see him in our kids, I feel him in my heart. I know we have a special guardian angel looking out for us. I also know he is proud of the family he left behind. In spite of the darkness that surrounds the Christmas Holidays for us, we find a way to shine a light for the kids. Just like the sun will continue to rise and set, Christmas will continue to come and go. The memories we choose to associate with it is a choice we make for ourselves!

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(My husband, my son, and Evander Holyfield–my husbands last boxing match in November)

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(And baby girl makes three!)

My Knight Wears Camo

Today is my 7th Anniversary! Against all odds, we’ve made it 7 years! It’s the longest I’ve ever been married! This is an accomplishment since I’ve had a history of picking Mr. Wrong! This time, I finally got it right! If you would’ve asked me 7 years ago if we would still be married, I would’ve surprised you with “probably not!” Not because I didn’t love him, but because I had lost faith in living happily ever after! My happiness seemed short-lived no matter how wonderful the man may have seemed!

My husband took on a wife 9.5 years older, 4 kids, 2 dogs, and a whole lot of emotional baggage! He loved me through some of the hardest times in my life. He picked me up when all I wanted to do was lay down! He’s been an amazing husband, father, and provider. He is not only my soul mate, but the father my kids deserve to have. I’m so thankful God chose me to be his wife. I may not have always understood God’s plan, but this one makes sense of all the “what the hell’s” of my past!

We will be celebrating apart this year. He is tucked far away on a submarine counting down the days until we are reunited. I am at home with my five kids, trying to stay busy so our time apart will go by quickly! Tonight, I will sit in the audience and watch my 15 year old perform in the Choir Christmas performance. I may be playing the role of a single parent, but somewhere out there, a man lies alone dreaming of the day he is reunited with those who love him the most!

Happy Anniversary Chris! I can’t wait to hear your voice, smell your scent, and hold you close once again! You will forever be my hero! I love you endlessly!

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(My husband and our baby girl a week before he deployed!)