Out of all the things that I’ve done in my life, being a mother is and always will be by far the most important thing I’ve ever done! Even as a child, I knew I wanted to be a mother. My dream career choice would change, but being a mother was always top on my list. I was the youngest of three children, and the only girl, so I would spend hours playing with my babies or Barbies by myself. I even taught myself how to French Braid hair using my fake babies! I was destined to be a mother! And at 19 years old, I did just that! I gave birth to the first of five beautiful gifts God blessed me with. One boy, then four girls. I am extremely happy with my children, and I have never for one minute been unhappy with my choice of having any of them. My choices of their fathers, on the other hand, I should’ve been more picky…for their sakes!
While growing up, I met numerous girls that had “boy issues”. Everyone knows “that girl”…the girl who seeks attention from boys, the one who flirts excessively, the one with “daddy issues”, and the one that would jump from guy to guy just looking for someone to love her. Be honest….you know her….you still know her…or you are her…either way, you know who I’m talking about! From an early age, I always felt sympathy for “her”. At the time, I didn’t have anything in common with her. My parents weren’t divorced. My mom and dad are still happily married to this day and celebrated their 47th wedding Anniversary this past June. Maybe it is my strong mothering instinct, but I always felt bad for “that girl” and would look past her actions and see what was in her heart. If she was a good person, that’s all that mattered to me. I could careless what everyone else thought of her sexual behavior, I knew it was from something deeper, something emotional and had nothing to do with her being a bad person.
When I had my children, I wanted to provide a stable household for them to grow up in. I didn’t want to have children who had emotional issues that would cause them to act out and be judged harshly by society. I had a great example of how a man should love a woman. My father was a faithful man. He NEVER strayed during their marriage. In fact, my mothers biggest competition was his weakness for playing softball and coaching! I spent many nights in the bleachers watching the boys play underneath the glare of the field lights. So it’s no shock that my first love was an athlete! My High School sweetheart played football, wrestled, weight lifted and was an amateur boxer. We were married after school and had our son. I picked a husband and the father of my children based on what I grew up with…my father….a good, strong, loving man!
But, of course, fate had a different plan. When I lost my husband 2 years later, my world crashed around me. I can’t describe how much pain and anger consumed me. But as soon as I knew my body held the future child we had created before he passed away, the pain and anger had to be put aside. My body was a safe place for our unborn child…the grief would have to be dealt with after I had delivered my baby girl 8 months later. Then and only then did I let the pain and anger consume me and my body. She was now safe in the outside world.
I then became “that girl”. Not in the sense of being sexually active with anyone and everyone, but I became very reckless with my choice in men. I no longer chose good, quality men. It took me years of psycho analyzing myself to realize just exactly what I did to myself during those years following the death of my husband. I didn’t think I deserved nor did I think I would ever find another soul mate in this life time! I had it once, and I would never have it again. My second husband was not a man I could say I ever really loved. He was a very bad man. I will always be grateful for our beautiful daughter, but he has caused me and my children too much pain to ever say I am thankful to have ever met him.
Now, my 3rd husband. I did love him. I thought he was a good man. A man that would be a great family man. He was a Christain, his family was as well. But he turned out to be a “bad boy”. Why do women chose the bad boy? I can tell you why…to punish ourselves in some away or another. Years later, I know why I chose him, but it doesn’t make it easier to accept those reasons when i am dealing with him and parenting our daughter.
I am open with my girls about being dependent on a man. I’ve tried to make them independent and self sufficient. I guess I can thank my ex for that….In one therapy session he stated I was needy! Bitch, please!!! I was working 6 days a week as a Registered Nurse, making more money than him AND taking care of my kids!! I didn’t NEED him…I WANTED him because he was my husband! I guess he was right in a way, I NEEDED him to be a faithful, loving, family man! I guess at was just too much to ask!
Anyway, the two oldest girls have done very well being strong and independent in spite of the chaos my horrible 2nd and 3rd marriages put our family through. Both are living in North Carolina and will tell a man where to shove it if they overstep their boundaries! But my 3rd daughter, I’ve been particularly concerned with lately. If you haven’t read my blogs about this particular situation 24 Days Of Silence and It Took 5 Weeks.
For a quick recap, we moved back from Washington State on June 26th. On July 3rd, my daughter and her dad got into an argument. July 5th she texted him because he wasn’t answering her calls. This is the conversation.
After that, all of her calls and texts were blocked. There was no contact from her father AT ALL! He didn’t show up at the games to watch her cheer, call the first day of her freshman year of high school, call to invite her to his wedding in August…nothing…until October 5th. She received a text asking if she was evacuating for the hurricane. The next text came on October 31st. In one text she questioned him regarding him blocking her. His response was “I’m not dealing with the drama of you telling me what you are and aren’t going to do” She sent him a video of her doing her back tuck for the first time on November 2nd and he never responded to her…and he hasn’t since! For anyone who knows anything about tumbling, when you conquer a skill for the first time, it’s a BIG deal! Its the equivalent of hitting a home run or a winning touchdown! It’s been 20 weeks since he has physically laid eyes on his daughter. Why? Because she back talked to him! **GASP**
Hmm…oh, you mean we get to decide when we feel like we want to be parents?? Hot damn….nobody told me!!! Where’s my dang vacation!!! Somebody owes me some fruity alcoholic drinks with an umbrella! And a massage…yea, I want a massage too! And a pedicure…and a steak, medium rare…oh, crème brûlée too! YES!! Hell, at this point, I would settle for a teenager that would pick her backpack up off the floor without grunting at me and rolling her eyes OR having to ask her 14 times before she “remembers” what I told her! But that’s what parenting is…but I guess he doesn’t have to do that. When it got hard, he bailed…just like he did on our marriage! Which is why I’ve been SO concerned with her lately! If the man she is supposed to look up to and use as an example for her future relationships turns his back on her so easily, just for being difficult, what kind of man will she choose to be with? Will she be drawn to the bad boy? Will she become “that girl” that everyone whispers about in the hallway. A girl who’s just emotionally lost and misunderstood?
This weekend my daughter showed me a side of her I’m not sure she even knows exists. It showed me she has the emotional maturity that is lacking in most teens and to be quite honest, emotional maturity her own father lacks as well. We watch The Bachelorette together as a family. Her sisters watch it as well. We all had our favorite and from the beginning, Robby Hayes from Jacksonville was one of hers. When he made it to the final two, she was SO upset when JoJo didn’t pick him! Well, we had the opportunity to meet him on Saturday. He was doing an appearance at a local bar. My daughter was too young to go inside, but thanks to an awesome friend, he got Robby to come outside to meet her. My sweet fangirl, who is 14, spent 2 hours curling her hair and primping! When Robby walked out of the bar, the look on her face was priceless. She was in shock. She bear hugged him and smiled from ear to ear! He took pictures with her and my cousins daughter, he even snap chatted her sisters in North Carolina, which literally was the highlight of their night! (I’ve heard the video 1000 since) 😃 He really is just as nice in person as he was on the show. I admit it, I was a skeptic, but he proved me wrong. He wasn’t just edited to be a nice guy, he just IS!
My point of the story is this…out of all the guys on the Bachelorette…all the “hot” guys, guys with abs of steel, model-like guys, smooth talkers, etc…my girl, she chose the NICE guy! She chose the good guy that treated not only his lady with respect, but everyone else as well. And THAT makes my heart happy!
Maybe her dad falling off his pedestal isn’t such a bad thing after all. Instead of leading by example, he’s given her an example of what NOT to look for in a man. Either way, my girl and her heart will be ok…she’s smart, she’s strong, and she IS needy like her momma as well, but it’s ok….just like her momma, my girl will find her happiness!
Can’t you see the pure joy all over her face?!?