Tag Archives: depression

An Unwanted Anniversary

We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent.  Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try!  The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.

February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!

Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!

I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!

Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later?  I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.

The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too!  I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!

And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!

And to her question I will reply,  “Why?  Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”

 

 

 

I Just Want It To End

If you’ve been on the receiving end of a cheating scandal, you can understand the anger, hurt, rage, emptiness, despair, and self-loathing the cheating causes. At times it can bring you to your knees. No matter how many loved ones circle the wagons and attempt to help you through the rough times, the affair will cause a decrease in self worth…at least initially!

For me I felt all of those things and more. I had four children and without the support of my estranged husband, I had no choice but to go to work everyday. It wasn’t easy though. I would sit in my car and talk myself in to being happy when I arrived at my patients house. I would do my visit, trying to act “normal” until I could get out to the safety of my car. Once inside the comfort of my vehicle, all alone with my thoughts, I would cry. Big tears, snotty nose, crying. I hated my husband. I hated his mistress. I hated myself. I hated my life. I contemplated death on more than one occasion. It would be much easier just to let go and be pain free. I was sick of hurting, sick of crying, sick of being weak, and sick of being unwanted! How disgusting of a person I must be if the person I committed my life to and loved with every ounce of my being couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with me!

And just when I thought I couldn’t take the pain anymore, one of my kids needed me….they needed me….they wanted me….they were my everything! How could I let a man and another woman bring me so close to the brink of losing everything I had ever wanted! I wanted my babies from the first moment of conception and every moment afterwards. There was nothing and no one more important to me than them. The thought of not watching them grow up crushed my heart! I thought about all of the things I would miss if I continued to allow these two cheaters control my life. I would miss my son’s first real girlfriend. I would miss watching him drive away in a car for the first time. I would miss teaching him how to treat a girl on a first date. I would miss hearing him lay out his plan and his intention to marry the woman of his dreams!

I would miss my daughters go to their first prom. I would miss being there to walk them through becoming a woman. I wouldn’t be there to talk them through their first heartbreak. Or to kiss their cheek gently as I pulled the veil over their face, as they smiled, excited to start a life with the love of their life! I wouldn’t be there to watch my precious girls give birth to their first born…..I wouldn’t be able to tell them how perfect my new grandbaby is! I would miss all of these things and so much more….all because I was giving so much power to individuals who didn’t deserve it!

So like any good mother, I took the first step…I made the decision to take back control of my life. I called the doctor and went on antidepressants to help me through the rough days ahead. I was smart enough to know my life was more important than my pride. I knew if I didn’t do something, I could lose everything.

It wasn’t the first time I was on antidepressants. I also suffered from post partum depression after the birth of my fourth child. I think it had a lot to do with feeling like a failure. She was in the NICU for 8 days and as a mother, I took it personally. She was also the first child I had to leave to go back to work. Instead of supporting and comforting me during my time of need, my husband made fun of me. If I got upset about something, he would scream “Go take a pill!” He was condescending when I tried to talk about my emotional pain. He never liked dealing with feelings then and to this day, he still runs from them!

Those first few weeks were some of the hardest of the divorce. It’s scary to think I was so close to ending it all, and for what! My life turned out to be so much better than I could have hoped for, and if I had chosen a different path, I would’ve missed it all!

Keep strong and never give the cheaters the power to control your destiny…only you can do that!

 

When Your Past Invades Your Present

It’s been building for a while now. I’ve known this. I’ve attempted to prevent it from happening. I’ve thought about the positives in my life. I’ve tried focusing on the path my life is currently on. I ignored the anniversary of the day and tried to pretend it wasn’t significant.  It’s just not working anymore.  Tonight, I finally broke down. It wasn’t pretty either. I held it together until I went to my room for the night. In the safety of my room, alone with my husband, I finally felt comfortable to let it out!

And now I feel guilty. Guilty for letting it get to this point. Guilty for making my husband feel helpless. Guilty for giving my past the power to affect my present.

I seriously have some of the most caring friends and family that exist on this planet. They have held my hand when I needed strength, they have listened when I needed and ear, and they’ve spoken words of encouragement when I can’t find the strength to move on. Even so, I am still struggling.

Tonight  I hurt. And not physically….although that’s a daily battle itself, my heart is overtaking the physical pain. I can literally feel a hole in my heart. The tears keep flowing….the pain is persistent.

I tried to think why my past was controlling me so much. Why now? Why after 10 years could I not let it go? The answer is simple…I can never let it go. It will always be there, hiding, waiting to take control. The trigger can be anything really…tonight it happened to be what tomorrow holds.

Tomorrow is Everleigh’s first gymnastics class. I’ve been so excited all week. She just loves tumbling around the house and climbing anything she can, so this seems like a perfect outlet for her energy. The problem…this is going to require me to meet new people. Anyone who knows me and knows me well should realize this shouldn’t be an issue for me. I’ve always been outgoing and made friends easily. But since our move, I’ve changed.

10 years ago, my life changed in more ways than one. I was physically hurt, emotionally wrecked, and mentally changed forever. I lost a big part of who I was that night. While continuing to live in Fernandina Beach, I still felt like myself. My friends knew me for who I was before, and accepted me and how I had changed. I didn’t have to explain anything to them…they just knew. If I was having a bad day or a moment, they knew why and were patient and loving. Leaving the safety net of my hometown has not been easy, but I thought I was adjusting well. That was until tonight. I realized I am in hiding. I am scared. I feel alone. I am broken.

Every time I am forced to go into public, it’s always in the back of my mind. I know the people I meet wonder what happened to my face. They are curious, and for this I can’t blame them. It’s human nature really. I’m not angry at them for their curiosity, I am angry because I no longer feel like me. I no longer have the strength to hold it together. I no longer have the power to look the other way when their eyes meet the scars.

As I cried tonight, I explained it to my husband the best way I know how. I feel ugly. I feel damaged. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I feel powerless.

The scars are not who I am. I was not born with them. I was not in a terrible accident that I could have somehow prevented.

I was attacked. I was abandoned. I was scared. I was ruined…physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I can’t hide these scars. With the natural aging process happening quicker than I would like, the scars are changing and causing my facial features to change. I’m not blind….I can see them. I see them everyday….I feel them everyday….I hate them everyday!

The last thing I said to my sweet husband tonight, who wanted nothing more than to make this all go away for me, “You do realize that one day, you and I will have to explain to Everleigh where mommy got her scars!”

And the thought of that day, hurts me to the core. That day is the day when she will see the world differently. She will know that evil exists, and mommy can’t make everything better with just a kiss!