We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent. Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try! The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.
February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!
Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!
I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!
Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later? I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.
The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too! I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!
And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!
And to her question I will reply, “Why? Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”