Tag Archives: children

Pregnancy loss

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  I’ve always known it was. I had my little conversations to myself every year,  but I had never taken the time to write about the traumatic experiences of losing a pregnancy. I have never sat down and released all of the anger and sadness I still feel, all these years later.  I think now is a perfect time to let it all out for the world to see! 

February 1997

I was newly married to my second husband. My first husband had only passed away 3 years earlier, but I was desperate to find the feeling of family again. My first marriage was so good and we enjoyed our time together, raising our son, and just living everyday life, and I longed for that feeling of contentment again. After carrying my first husbands daughter right after he passed away and feeling all alone with two kids to raise, I unfortunately rushed into my next marriage.  I figured he had to be a good guy if he could love and want me with two kids, right?  I ignored all of the warning signs, and when he proposed, I said yes! Our wedding was beautiful, but it was a picture of what I wish I really had, but I knew deep down, this was not it.  

One month into our marriage, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited! A baby should always be celebrated! A week or so later, we had some friends over.  They were all drinking and having a good time. My husband got REALLY drunk and became belligerent and hostile. He cornered me and took me to our bedroom. He started an argument, accusing me of wanting other men.  He was always very insecure. He had me trapped on the bed, sitting on top of me, holding my arms down with his knees. He kept on spewing cuss words and being cruel, while I struggled to get up. I finally said, “Get up, you are going to hurt the baby!” He got this evil look in his eyes, squinted them, punched me as hard as he could in the stomach and said, “I hope you lose that baby!”

I doubled over in pain as he got up and left the room.  The next morning, I woke up and had started spotting. I went straight to the doctor. That’s when I saw my beautiful baby for the first time. It was perfect…and it had a heartbeat! Great news! ❤ I didn’t tell the doctor about my husbands abuse the previous night, but he reassured me everything was fine, there weren’t even any cervical changes so I was ok. 

We had 3 more trips to the doctor for spotting. The baby was showing growth at every visit, so I started to relax.  At my 12 week checkup, we had an ultrasound scheduled. I was actually just under 12 weeks, 11.5 weeks.  As soon as they started the exam, I knew! My heart sank and tears filled my eyes.  I knew my baby was gone. I couldn’t see the heartbeat and it was obviously smaller than what it should be. The doctor came in and confirmed the diagnosis. I went into surgery that afternoon for an D&C.  When I undressed to put the hospital gown on, I stood in that room, looked into the mirror, rubbed my baby bump, and cried hysterically.  I apologized to my unborn child for not being able to keep it safe. I apologized for not being strong enough to walk out that door. I apologized for the life he/she would never get to live. I woke up from anesthesia empty. There was a tremendous whole in my heart and emptiness in my abdomen. I just held my stomach and cried.  I missed my baby.  At that moment, I vowed when I got pregnant again, I would protect that baby with everything I had within me. 

Fast forward to 2011. I went through a surgery to reverse my tubal ligation. My husband and I had been married 7 years at that time and I figured he was a keeper, so I didn’t mind at least giving it a shot. After almost a year, my doctor suggest we seek help from a fertility doctor due to my FSH level being 12.5. We were devastated we would have to go this route after spending thousands on a surgery.  We go to the fertility specialist and he decides we can just do shots to boost my egg function and then conceive naturally…No IVF…which was great because IVF would’ve cost more money, and we had already spent for the surgery. So we go home and wait for my cycle to start, then we were to start the injections. But….my cycle never started!! I was pregnant!!! I was so excited! The excitement didn’t last! I misscarried at 7 weeks! I was so upset, but I knew there must’ve been something wrong due to my poor egg quality. So of course, I blame myself! The only good news was my levels dropped down quickly, we didn’t even have to wait 3 month to try the fertility shots on my next cycle!

My next cycle started, as did the shots. They were easy as pie to give myself, knowing what I would be getting in return. We followed 2 egg follicles throughout the week. By the end of the week, the doctor stated one egg was larger, and that would become the baby, the other egg was too small and it would not. So Friday we did the trigger shot and Saturday, we did as we were told, and made a baby!😂😂

Then on Monday we were out shopping and I said to my husband, “Honey, I’m ovulating…I can tell!” See, I get mild cramping when my egg releases so I always know. He was doubtful, so when we got home I pulled out my ovulation prediction kit and got a big 😀! And y’all know what that means! Bow chicka bow wow! Since my husband had to work nights that particular day, he left his much needed “deposit”, kissed me and headed out the door, hoping he wasn’t late! Sorry, not sorry…you know how crazy wives can be when we are on a mission!  What if I didn’t ovulate until Monday and we ignored my body and the signs it was giving me? I was not about to chance it and have to go through the injections for another month! 

10 days…..It doesn’t seem like a lot, but that’s how long you have to wait to pee on a stick! Every symptom was there….I just KNEW it! But I waited….10 WHOLE, LONG DAYS!! And there it was, the positive pregnancy test!  Whoo-hooo!  I called the fertility doctor and let them know! Since I had a tubal reversal, I had to go in and check my blood levels and get frequent ultrasounds to make sure the embryo didn’t implant into the Fallopian tubes. 

We arrive at the fertility clinic full of anticipation, ready to see our baby! They started the scan and I could see my little cutie immediately!! PERFECTION!! They measured the ball of cells which would soon become our baby we had SO longed for, then they moved to the left a little. And there it was….baby B….Wait, WHAT??  Baby B?? The doctor starts explaining Baby B was the second egg follicle they believed wasn’t going to continue to grow to be big enough in time for the trigger shot, but he guessed it made it. I turned to my husband and looked at him sheepishly, knowing full well, Baby B was the product of its mamma’s intuition and theneed to have a “quickie” before daddy went to work….JUST IN CASE baby A wasn’t viable!  So there we were, four kids at home, 2 more on the way, and on top of being AMA, now that I had a twin pregnancy, I just secured myself a place in the high risk category! Yay me! 

We kept the twin news to a minimum. Only close family knew. I was so nervous about it. I had to get blood work and ultrasounds constantly to make sure the babies were ok. Everything seemed to be going ok. I had my normal morning sickness, which is a good sign, and due to twins, my tummy made its appearance rather quickly. Then on Christmas Eve, I woke up with uterine cramping. No spotting, just heavy cramping and what felt like back labor. I was scared I was losing both of my sweet babies. There was nothing I could do but wait it out until my appointment the day after Christmas. If the pregnancy wasn’t going to make it, then I just needed to try and prepare myself 

December 26th, We went to our fertility specialist for a checkup. They started the ultrasound and right away I noticed it….Baby B’s sac was empty. My stomach sank and I held my breath until she got to Baby A. There it was…Baby A…heart beating, moving around, the most beautiful site in the world! But how can I be happy knowing I lost her precious twin? And my heart ached for my precious unborn child and for the love of her twin she will never know. 

I had a lot of depression surrounding the loss of the twin, but I kept it to myself.  I felt guilty mourning the twin, when I was SO blessed to be carrying a healthy, baby girl. I often wonder what life would be like with two toddlers running around our house, but God knows best and Everleigh has been such a HUGE blessing to our entire family! I feel comfort knowing my three angel babies have each other in heaven…what fun they must be having! 

Every time I hear about the loss of a child or pregnancy, it takes me back to those painful days when I had to say good-bye to my angels. I can’t fathom how or why some parents find it so easy to abuse, kill, or walk away from their children. There are so many people out there that are willing to step up and become parents to those unwanted Angels, why can’t they just give them to someone who will love them forever? 

 I have been blessed beyond belief with five of the most beautiful, smart, loving children, and I thank God everyday for them. But there will always be a place in my heart for my three little angel babies. RIP my angel babies….until I see you again! ❤❤

Little Girl Lost, Or Not

Out of all the things that I’ve done in my life, being a mother is and always will be by far the most important thing I’ve ever done!  Even as a child, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  My dream career choice would change, but being a mother was always top on my list.  I was the youngest of three children, and the only girl, so I would spend hours playing with my babies or Barbies by myself.  I even taught myself how to French Braid hair using my fake babies! I was destined to be a mother! And at 19 years old, I did just that! I gave birth to the first of five beautiful gifts God blessed me with. One boy, then four girls. I am extremely happy with my children, and I have never for one minute been unhappy with my choice of having any of them. My choices of their fathers, on the other hand, I should’ve been more picky…for their sakes! 

While growing up, I met numerous girls that had “boy issues”. Everyone knows “that girl”…the girl who seeks attention from boys, the one who flirts excessively, the one with “daddy issues”, and the one that would jump from guy to guy just looking for someone to love her.  Be honest….you know her….you still know her…or you are her…either way, you know who I’m talking about! From an early age, I always felt sympathy for “her”.  At the time, I didn’t have anything in common with her.  My parents weren’t divorced.  My mom and dad are still happily married to this day and celebrated their 47th wedding Anniversary this past June. Maybe it is my strong mothering instinct, but I always felt bad for “that girl” and would look past her actions and see what was in her heart. If she was a good person, that’s all that mattered to me. I could careless what everyone else thought of her sexual behavior, I knew it was from something deeper, something emotional and had nothing to do with her being a bad person. 

When I had my children, I wanted to provide a stable household for them to grow up in. I didn’t want to have children who had emotional issues that would cause them to act out and be judged harshly by society.  I had a great example of how a man should love a woman. My father was a faithful man. He NEVER strayed during their marriage. In fact, my mothers biggest competition was his weakness for playing softball and coaching! I spent many nights in the bleachers watching the boys play underneath the glare of the field lights. So it’s no shock that my first love was an athlete! My High School sweetheart played football, wrestled, weight lifted and was an amateur boxer.  We were married after school and had our son. I picked a husband and the father of my children based on what I grew up with…my father….a good, strong, loving man! 

But, of course, fate had a different plan. When I lost my husband 2 years later, my world crashed around me. I can’t describe how much pain and anger consumed me.  But as soon as I knew my body held the future child we had created before he passed away, the pain and anger had to be put aside.  My body was a safe place for our unborn child…the grief would have to be dealt with after I had delivered my baby girl 8 months later.  Then and only then did I let the pain and anger consume me and my body.  She was now safe in the outside world. 

I then became “that girl”. Not in the sense of being sexually active with anyone and everyone, but I became very reckless with my choice in men. I no longer chose good, quality men. It took me years of psycho analyzing myself to realize just exactly what I did to myself during those years following the death of my husband. I didn’t think I deserved nor did I think I would ever find another soul mate in this life time! I had it once, and I would never have it again.  My second husband was not a man I could say I ever really loved. He was a very bad man.  I will always be grateful for our beautiful daughter, but he has caused me and my children too much pain to ever say I am thankful to have ever met him.  

Now, my 3rd husband. I did love him. I thought he was a good man. A man that would be a great family man.  He was a Christain, his family was as well. But he turned out to be a “bad boy”.  Why do women chose the bad boy?  I can tell you why…to punish ourselves in some away or another.  Years later, I know why I chose him, but it doesn’t make it easier to accept those reasons when i am dealing with him and parenting our daughter. 

I am open with my girls about being dependent on a man. I’ve tried to make them independent and self sufficient. I guess I can thank my ex for that….In one therapy session he stated I was needy! Bitch, please!!! I was working 6 days a week as a Registered Nurse, making more money than him AND taking care of my kids!! I didn’t NEED him…I WANTED him because he was my husband! I guess he was right in a way,  I NEEDED him to be a faithful, loving, family man!  I guess at was just too much to ask! 

Anyway, the two oldest girls have done very well being strong and independent in spite of the chaos my horrible 2nd and 3rd marriages put our family through.  Both are living in North Carolina and will tell a man where to shove it if they overstep their boundaries! But my 3rd daughter, I’ve been particularly concerned with lately. If you haven’t read my blogs about this particular situation 24 Days Of Silence and It Took 5 Weeks

For a quick recap, we moved back from Washington State on June 26th. On July 3rd, my daughter and her dad got into an argument. July 5th she texted him because he wasn’t answering her calls.  This is the conversation. 

After that, all of her calls and texts were blocked.  There was no contact from her father AT ALL!  He didn’t show up at the games to watch her cheer, call the first day of her freshman year of high school, call to invite her to his wedding in August…nothing…until October 5th. She received a text asking if she was evacuating for the hurricane.  The next text came on October 31st. In one text she questioned him regarding him blocking her.  His response was “I’m not dealing with the drama of you telling me what you are and aren’t going to do”  She sent him a video of her doing her back tuck for the first time on November 2nd and he never responded to her…and he hasn’t since! For anyone who knows anything about tumbling, when you conquer a skill for the first time, it’s a BIG deal! Its the equivalent of hitting a home run or a winning touchdown! It’s been 20 weeks since he has physically laid eyes on his daughter. Why? Because she back talked to him! **GASP**

Hmm…oh, you mean we get to decide when we feel like we want to be parents??  Hot damn….nobody told me!!! Where’s my dang vacation!!! Somebody owes me some fruity alcoholic drinks with an umbrella! And a massage…yea, I want a massage too!  And a pedicure…and a steak, medium rare…oh, crème brûlée too! YES!!  Hell, at this point, I would settle for a teenager that would pick her backpack up off the floor without grunting at me and rolling her eyes OR having to ask her 14 times before she “remembers” what I told her! But that’s what parenting is…but I guess he doesn’t have to do that. When it got hard, he bailed…just like he did on our marriage! Which is why I’ve been SO concerned with her lately! If the man she is supposed to look up to and use as an example for her future relationships turns his back on her so easily, just for being difficult, what kind of man will she choose to be with? Will she be drawn to the bad boy? Will she become “that girl” that everyone whispers about in the hallway. A girl who’s just emotionally lost and misunderstood? 

This weekend my daughter showed me a side of her I’m not sure she even knows exists. It showed me she has the emotional maturity that is lacking in most teens and to be quite honest, emotional maturity her own father lacks as well.  We watch The Bachelorette together as a family. Her sisters watch it as well.  We all had our favorite and from the beginning, Robby Hayes from Jacksonville was one of hers. When he made it to the final two, she was SO upset when JoJo didn’t pick him! Well, we had the opportunity to meet him on Saturday.  He was doing an appearance at a local bar.  My daughter was too young to go inside, but thanks to an awesome friend, he got Robby to come outside to meet her. My sweet fangirl, who is 14, spent 2 hours curling her hair and primping! When Robby walked out of the bar, the look on her face was priceless.  She was in shock. She bear hugged him and smiled from ear to ear! He took pictures with her and my cousins daughter, he even snap chatted her sisters in North Carolina, which literally was the highlight of their night! (I’ve heard the video 1000 since) 😃 He really is just as nice in person as he was on the show.  I admit it, I was a skeptic, but he proved me wrong.  He wasn’t just edited to be a nice guy, he just IS! 

My point of the story is this…out of all the guys on the Bachelorette…all the “hot” guys, guys with abs of steel, model-like guys, smooth talkers, etc…my girl, she chose the NICE guy! She chose the good guy that treated not only his lady with respect, but everyone else as well.  And THAT makes my heart happy! 

Maybe her dad falling off his pedestal isn’t such a bad thing after all.  Instead of leading by example, he’s given her an example of what NOT to look for in a man.  Either way, my girl and her heart will be ok…she’s smart, she’s strong, and she IS needy like her momma as well, but it’s ok….just like her momma, my girl will find her happiness!  

Can’t you see the pure joy all over her face?!? 


It Took 5 Weeks

5 weeks! That’s how long my daughter endured silence from the paternal side of her family. No calls, no texts, no social media likes or comments….5 weeks of being ignored! And the night before the first day of school, the silence was broken! The night before she starts High School…in a new place….with no real friends yet….with nerves about the next day looming….and finally a text comes through after 9 pm! Was it from her dad? Oh no, of course not! It was from her cousin wanting to know what was going on and why she wasn’t attending her dads wedding this weekend. 

My daughter explained her side of the story and told her she didn’t know when or where the wedding was. She had no clue prior to the text from her cousin when he was getting married. So instead of being understanding, her cousin told her she should apologize to the family and go to the wedding!!! WTF???  No seriously…..WHAT…THE….FUCK???? My daughter said he should be the one apologizing since he was the adult.  In summary of the texts that went back and forth, she basically told my daughter she would regret not going, but my daughter declined her invitation to pick her up Saturday for the wedding. 

Now, I’m sure she was put up to texting her so I really don’t blame her.  When I was a young woman, I was naive and did believe almost everything my parents told me too! But timing is everything.  Tomorrow will be stressful enough for my girl without her having this to deal with, but according to her cousin, maybe I should be more concerned about her fathers stress level as he’s SO stressed with this wedding!! NOT!!  

Here’s the thing. I’ve contemplated many times why I married him.  I knew how he was with women before me, and yet I still dated him.  And when he asked me to marry him, I felt SO special, because after all, he NEVER married the OTHER women! (sarcastic)   I quickly found out I was NOT special or lucky, but oh so unlucky!  Lesson learned.  Then he married again. I often wondered how she could’ve overlooked what he had done to me.  The cheating, the lying, the crazy mistress he kept screwing after she stabbed me….I found out the story was twisted, but I only found out after he cheated on his 2nd wife too!! 

So my question tonight is simple. If you are the potential 3rd wife of a man with his history.  Even if he lies about me and denies any part of the affair with my attacker, he can’t deny his affair and cheating on his 2nd wife, because the potential 3rd wife was his mistress!! So…Miss almost 3rd wife….you were his mistress….you won….broke up his marriage to his second wife.  I’m sure you think you are SO special, right? Can you explain how a man can walk away from his ONLY child without a second thought? His own flesh and blood that he helped create….he cut ties with her because she pissed him off!!! So, if he can do THAT to a CHILD that is his own, what in the hell do you think he can and will do to you and your children??? 

I may have been SO stupid when I was in love with him, but I can tell you this! If he had a child, and he refused this child for any reason whatsoever, there would be NO relationship, much less a wedding!  Any man that willingly blocks a child from calling them and texting them has a heart of ice. He has blocked off his emotions so he can’t feel love! If I were you, I would run the other way as fast as you can! If not, if you are so determined to tie the knot, keep your finances separate.  Make him sign a prenup! Don’t buy a house in both of your names!  You, my dear, are his one way ticket to an easy retirement! Florida is a 50/50 state. Do your homework before you say “I do” 

And let’s talk about those vows for a moment, shall we?

 “For better or worse” –I hope you or your kids don’t get sick, he doesn’t “like” hospitals…ask his mommy!  He will leave any chance he gets and complain the entire time he’s there, regardless of how serious the situation is.  Even if it is for his own child. 

“For richer or poorer” –As long as you keep making money, he will keep saving his!

“In sickness and in health”–“Not only does he not “do” hospitals, but even pregnancy freaks him out!

“Love and cherish you”—you and anyone else who strokes his ego!

I am assuming you are blinded by love temporarily.  And, if I’m wrong, then you must be just as ice cold as he is, because no woman, much less mother would allow a man she claims to love start a life with her knowing he has cut ties with his only child! And if that’s the case, then I wish both of you a life full of nothing but the best hell has to offer!! F**K you both! 

Raising A Child of Divorce

The statistics are alarming these days. Divorce is often not seen as “if” but “when” it will happen. Two people vow to share their lives with each other, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, until DEATH…not, DIVORCE! But yet here I sit, 2 divorces behind me! The first divorce was partially my fault. I should’ve recognized the signs of abuse early on and never married him. But I didn’t and I left without any question in my mind I was doing the right thing. But the second divorce, no, I had no control over that one. Well, I guess I could’ve waited to let him file after the attack from his mistress, but that’s not what strong women do, right? And I had children that needed me to be a strong woman, to set an example for them to follow. Although I am happily married now and I couldn’t imagine my life without him, my divorce still haunts me! It’s almost like you aren’t married, but you never really get to let go of them if you share a child.

It’s been 10 years since the divorce. I prided myself on always being nice to him in spite of wanting to spit in his face for his part in the assault. I worked REALLY hard to overcome the hate I felt for this man. I knew I needed to let that go in order to co-parent our daughter. So that’s what I did. I invited him to her birthday parties, I kept him informed of everything that was going on in her life, I bit my tongue when he put women before his daughter, I called and tried to help him when he struggled being a father to a daughter! Open communication…always! If he wanted to see her, he was able to see her. No rules, just whatever was best for our girl! I even did my daughters hair for his 2nd wedding. No, I wasn’t always perfect, there were times I told him what I thought, but we were always able to work it out!

Fast forward 2 years in to his 2nd marriage and he cheats once again!! Of course the mistress is also married. He of course had a bunch of blame to place on his wife, but being on the other side of the blame game, I knew better than to believe the stories I was hearing! A few months before their split, we moved across the country due to my husbands orders. My daughter was supposed to fly back and spend Christmas with her dad. When she had been there 3 months before, he had been married to his wife. I begged him not to introduce our daughter to another woman just yet…she wasn’t ready. He assured me he would not! He was still denying the affair, but being from a small town, the rumor mill still traveled from east to west coast with ease!  While she was there, she not only met his mistress, but she and her kids went on vacation together. My ex and his mistress slept in the same bed while my daughter and her kids shared the same hotel room with them! Both of them were still married to other people…what kind of example was he setting for our daughter!

Needless to say, when she returned and I found out about the visit, I was upset! I called and told him I didn’t agree! We exchanged words and he threatened to take me back to court. He had agreed on the move but stated he would tell the court I had kidnapped her. Well, we ended up in court that summer. Child support was increased, something I never wanted, but since having a new girlfriend, he suddenly didn’t have the money to help with her extra curricular activities. Since that had been our agreement, I had no other choice but to take him back. I have to pay 100% of the airfare…not a big deal since there are only 3 more visits before we move back.

This is the first time my daughter remembers us arguing after the divorce . It breaks my heart for her, but there is nothing I can do. I’ve tried talking to him, but he refuses. He’s too busy with his new family! My daughter begged him to come to a competition this year, he kept saying he didn’t have the money now that his child support increased, but yet the vacations with his new family continued. During Competition season, she asked again, only to be given the excuse he couldn’t take off work. Well, less than a month after state competition, my daughter found out he went to South America with his mistress/now fiancée! Of course he didn’t spend a thing, but he did take off work to go, which was one of the many excuses he’s told our daughter.

It’s been a rough time for all of us. My husband is also deployed so we don’t have the support from him we are accustomed to having. This past week was bad in particular. My pain level was extremely high, my shoulder is giving me hell and although surgery is scheduled for March, it does nothing to relieve the pain now. The fibromyalgia is off the charts and so I have been an emotional wreck. Add to that an emotional daughter due to finding out another lie her dad told her and another bunch of excuses to make it all better, it really isn’t a good combination! Whenever she’s pissed at him, it all falls back on me! Usually I can handle it well, but with how I was feeling, I finally snapped back at her!

“How is it fair that I always get yelled at? Why is it always me that takes the brunt of what you’re feeling? Why do you scream at me whenever you are mad at him?”

With tears in her eyes she said “I can’t help it, I’m closer to you! I can’t tell him how I feel”

And with that statement, it made it all worth it! I remember telling him when she was younger, he was going to wake up one day and she would be grown up! He needed to take advantage of the time he had with her now before she became a teenager! Well that time is gone, and he wasted it on trying to impress women instead of being the dad to his daughter she deserves!

Just because you divorce, doesn’t mean you can rid yourself of them forever. Often times, the same hurt they caused you during your marriage, you will one day see in the eyes of your child! As a parent, seeing that pain is way worse than any pain he could’ve caused me. I wish I could take it all away, but since I can’t, I will just love her with everything I have! After all, she’s the best thing that came out of that marriage…she’s made every ounce of pain worth it and I would go through it all again!