Tag Archives: anniversary

My Heart Is Home!

After spending over 90 days apart, my husband finally made it home yesterday!  This patrol was particularly hard due to him leaving before the holidays and missing all of our children celebrating Christmas together under one roof! He celebrated his birthday on the boat without his family. Our anniversary was spent apart this year, but he was always in my heart! We also had very little contact during this patrol. Not receiving a lot of email can be particularly hard when you are trying to maintain a parental relationship by keeping your spouse informed of the happenings in our kids lives! He missed our sons birthday! He missed out on the entire cheer competition season, which will be the last for Makailyn! He also missed her 18th birthday and even though his boat pulled in the same day, he missed her Senior Year cheer banquet as well!

If you’ve never had the experience of being separated from your spouse due to military deployments, it’s hard to fathom how intense it can be. It’s funny how everything in this house is just better with him around. I have been a single parent before and was pretty successful at it, including putting myself through nursing school as a single mom, but this is different! I don’t want to be a single parent! I don’t want to face the day to day parental decisions on my own. I love being able to share it with my husband. Since he is a submariner, it isn’t as easy as picking up a phone, or skyping him just to see his face. We literally go months without hearing his voice and weeks without any email. Sometimes, by the time I send out and email and he is able to respond to any issues I’m dealing with, those issues have either been resolved or have amounted to new, bigger issues!

This is the life I chose to live with him. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because that would mean I wouldn’t have him! This is who he is and I love him for it! I am proud of him for sacrificing his time with us to do his job. It’s not easy on him…he misses out on so much with all of us! He comes home and a lot has changed. Everleigh is talking more clearly than when he left and you can see the “baby” in her slowly slipping away, but for him, it happened suddenly! We all have to make adjustments to make the transition go smoothly, but it’s worth it just to have him!

This was his last patrol for the next 3 years! He is heading to shore duty….a much needed break for our family! Every email I received during this patrol he talked about how much looked forward to spending quality family time with all of us. Being able to plan a family vacation without the fear of the boat schedule being changed and ruining those plans, and just being a normal dad that gets to come home every night to his family!  I’m looking forward to spending every night snuggling in bed with my love! Last night I was wide awake listening to the sound of him breathing beside me….the most comforting sound in the world! I can’t imagine my life without him, and lucky for me, he feels the same way. He will always and forever be the other half of my heart! I’m so glad he found me on the dance floor, and never took no for an answer! 🙂  I love you Mr. Berry! I can’t wait to make up for all of our missed anniversaries with our biggest one yet….number 10 baby!! You+me is all I will ever need! 12247034_10153691147090610_9219789234895271654_n

An Unwanted Anniversary

We all have those special dates in our head. The day we were born, the day of our first kiss, the day you met our spouse, the day of marriage, or the day you became a parent.  Then there are those dates you don’t want to remember, but you just can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard you try!  The date of a break-up, a date of a death, a date of a miscarriage, or perhaps a date of an attack.

February 25th will always be a date I want to forget, but will forever be a date of importance. Every year I do my best to prep for the upcoming date. I push the thoughts as far in the back of my mind as possible, with the hopes I can forget it. One year, I even forgot, for one day…but that day was short-lived. I’ve been doing a lot of writing on this subject over the weeks leading up to the date this year. It was not something I had typically done in the past and to be quite honest, it drained me a bit. I had to take a step back from the blog to deal with just getting through the upcoming unwanted Anniversary!

Well, today is that day. The Anniversary I never wanted has come and gone…I survived another year! This year in particular, was hard! My husband, who has consistently been my rock, is still deployed. It makes it hard to feel all of the emotions solo without having my biggest supporter by my side to reassure me like he always does! Instead, this year I had to keep it together for both myself and my kids! Nobody needs mamma flippin’ shit because she’s is stuck in the past dealing with the devil! So I did what mammas do best, I slapped a Band-Aid on the pain with a fake smile and carried on like normal, whatever the hell that is! Ha!

I’ve felt a lot of mixed emotions this week. It’s been liberating getting this story out in the open, but with that has come a lot of weird Facebook happenings! I have had the MOST random friend requests EVER! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great connections made through writing, and for those genuine requests, thank you! But it’s the creepers that irk me! I mean, I’m smart enough to figure out a fake profile when I see it! And if all of your friends are recent and once removed, chances are you are a stalker and should get a life and stay the hell out of mine! Truth is, my blogs have been public, no need to creep to see them! There have been no big secrets I’m trying to keep and no lies being told! If you want to know what I have to say or the impact all of this has had on MY life, I’m handing it to you on a silver platter….HERE IT IS!! I’m not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I’ve written and I have no problem with ANYONE reading it. This is my way to heal and deal with the past like I choose!

Like I said, it’s been a week of mixed emotions…sometimes I am angry and sometimes I just feel hurt! I’ve been haunted by unpleasant dreams this week on 2 occasions…not a pleasant way to spend my dreams! It disgusts me the way my mind betrays me! Why does it give her so much power? Why does it let her control my emotions…still….all these years later?  I just wish I could erase the pictures of the night from my brain….I wish I could forget the sounds she made, the smells in the air, her blonde hair….just her…I just want to forget she ever existed! But that’s not reality.

The reality is she changed me forever. She changed the structure of my family, or I should say, assisted in altering it. She took away a lot from me mentally and physically that night. I will never feel the same security I felt prior to that night. I will always sense panic when I hear a crash of glass. It’s something I can’t control no matter how hard I try! Physically I will never be the same either! My face will always hold the scars of adultery. They will forever remind me of what selfishness looks like! I was not able to breastfeed my daughter without remembering the horrific events of that night and the pain of the affair! I can’t be intimate with my husband without him seeing a constant reminder of what infidelity can lead too!  I can’t get a facial without being asked if I was in an “accident”! Yea, my ex-husband “accidently” stuck his penis in a crazy biotch!

And let’s not forget the innocent lives that will be forever changed. I’ve been anticipating it…I knew it would happen….today was that day. I woke up to the cutest little 2 year old, snuggling with me. She was caressing my face and when she reached the scars on the left side she said, “Mamma boo-boo?” And right there, in that moment, my heart broke a little more! Today I put that Band-Aid smile on and said mommas ok, but that answer won’t work forever! All too soon, she will be a curious 4 year old and her favorite word will be “why”!

And to her question I will reply,  “Why?  Because if not, then I would’ve never known the unconditional love of your daddy or the amazing, beautiful daughter we created together!”

 

 

 

My Knight Wears Camo

Today is my 7th Anniversary! Against all odds, we’ve made it 7 years! It’s the longest I’ve ever been married! This is an accomplishment since I’ve had a history of picking Mr. Wrong! This time, I finally got it right! If you would’ve asked me 7 years ago if we would still be married, I would’ve surprised you with “probably not!” Not because I didn’t love him, but because I had lost faith in living happily ever after! My happiness seemed short-lived no matter how wonderful the man may have seemed!

My husband took on a wife 9.5 years older, 4 kids, 2 dogs, and a whole lot of emotional baggage! He loved me through some of the hardest times in my life. He picked me up when all I wanted to do was lay down! He’s been an amazing husband, father, and provider. He is not only my soul mate, but the father my kids deserve to have. I’m so thankful God chose me to be his wife. I may not have always understood God’s plan, but this one makes sense of all the “what the hell’s” of my past!

We will be celebrating apart this year. He is tucked far away on a submarine counting down the days until we are reunited. I am at home with my five kids, trying to stay busy so our time apart will go by quickly! Tonight, I will sit in the audience and watch my 15 year old perform in the Choir Christmas performance. I may be playing the role of a single parent, but somewhere out there, a man lies alone dreaming of the day he is reunited with those who love him the most!

Happy Anniversary Chris! I can’t wait to hear your voice, smell your scent, and hold you close once again! You will forever be my hero! I love you endlessly!

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(My husband and our baby girl a week before he deployed!)