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Pregnancy loss

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  I’ve always known it was. I had my little conversations to myself every year,  but I had never taken the time to write about the traumatic experiences of losing a pregnancy. I have never sat down and released all of the anger and sadness I still feel, all these years later.  I think now is a perfect time to let it all out for the world to see! 

February 1997

I was newly married to my second husband. My first husband had only passed away 3 years earlier, but I was desperate to find the feeling of family again. My first marriage was so good and we enjoyed our time together, raising our son, and just living everyday life, and I longed for that feeling of contentment again. After carrying my first husbands daughter right after he passed away and feeling all alone with two kids to raise, I unfortunately rushed into my next marriage.  I figured he had to be a good guy if he could love and want me with two kids, right?  I ignored all of the warning signs, and when he proposed, I said yes! Our wedding was beautiful, but it was a picture of what I wish I really had, but I knew deep down, this was not it.  

One month into our marriage, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited! A baby should always be celebrated! A week or so later, we had some friends over.  They were all drinking and having a good time. My husband got REALLY drunk and became belligerent and hostile. He cornered me and took me to our bedroom. He started an argument, accusing me of wanting other men.  He was always very insecure. He had me trapped on the bed, sitting on top of me, holding my arms down with his knees. He kept on spewing cuss words and being cruel, while I struggled to get up. I finally said, “Get up, you are going to hurt the baby!” He got this evil look in his eyes, squinted them, punched me as hard as he could in the stomach and said, “I hope you lose that baby!”

I doubled over in pain as he got up and left the room.  The next morning, I woke up and had started spotting. I went straight to the doctor. That’s when I saw my beautiful baby for the first time. It was perfect…and it had a heartbeat! Great news! ❀ I didn’t tell the doctor about my husbands abuse the previous night, but he reassured me everything was fine, there weren’t even any cervical changes so I was ok. 

We had 3 more trips to the doctor for spotting. The baby was showing growth at every visit, so I started to relax.  At my 12 week checkup, we had an ultrasound scheduled. I was actually just under 12 weeks, 11.5 weeks.  As soon as they started the exam, I knew! My heart sank and tears filled my eyes.  I knew my baby was gone. I couldn’t see the heartbeat and it was obviously smaller than what it should be. The doctor came in and confirmed the diagnosis. I went into surgery that afternoon for an D&C.  When I undressed to put the hospital gown on, I stood in that room, looked into the mirror, rubbed my baby bump, and cried hysterically.  I apologized to my unborn child for not being able to keep it safe. I apologized for not being strong enough to walk out that door. I apologized for the life he/she would never get to live. I woke up from anesthesia empty. There was a tremendous whole in my heart and emptiness in my abdomen. I just held my stomach and cried.  I missed my baby.  At that moment, I vowed when I got pregnant again, I would protect that baby with everything I had within me. 

Fast forward to 2011. I went through a surgery to reverse my tubal ligation. My husband and I had been married 7 years at that time and I figured he was a keeper, so I didn’t mind at least giving it a shot. After almost a year, my doctor suggest we seek help from a fertility doctor due to my FSH level being 12.5. We were devastated we would have to go this route after spending thousands on a surgery.  We go to the fertility specialist and he decides we can just do shots to boost my egg function and then conceive naturally…No IVF…which was great because IVF would’ve cost more money, and we had already spent for the surgery. So we go home and wait for my cycle to start, then we were to start the injections. But….my cycle never started!! I was pregnant!!! I was so excited! The excitement didn’t last! I misscarried at 7 weeks! I was so upset, but I knew there must’ve been something wrong due to my poor egg quality. So of course, I blame myself! The only good news was my levels dropped down quickly, we didn’t even have to wait 3 month to try the fertility shots on my next cycle!

My next cycle started, as did the shots. They were easy as pie to give myself, knowing what I would be getting in return. We followed 2 egg follicles throughout the week. By the end of the week, the doctor stated one egg was larger, and that would become the baby, the other egg was too small and it would not. So Friday we did the trigger shot and Saturday, we did as we were told, and made a baby!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Then on Monday we were out shopping and I said to my husband, “Honey, I’m ovulating…I can tell!” See, I get mild cramping when my egg releases so I always know. He was doubtful, so when we got home I pulled out my ovulation prediction kit and got a big πŸ˜€! And y’all know what that means! Bow chicka bow wow! Since my husband had to work nights that particular day, he left his much needed “deposit”, kissed me and headed out the door, hoping he wasn’t late! Sorry, not sorry…you know how crazy wives can be when we are on a mission!  What if I didn’t ovulate until Monday and we ignored my body and the signs it was giving me? I was not about to chance it and have to go through the injections for another month! 

10 days…..It doesn’t seem like a lot, but that’s how long you have to wait to pee on a stick! Every symptom was there….I just KNEW it! But I waited….10 WHOLE, LONG DAYS!! And there it was, the positive pregnancy test!  Whoo-hooo!  I called the fertility doctor and let them know! Since I had a tubal reversal, I had to go in and check my blood levels and get frequent ultrasounds to make sure the embryo didn’t implant into the Fallopian tubes. 

We arrive at the fertility clinic full of anticipation, ready to see our baby! They started the scan and I could see my little cutie immediately!! PERFECTION!! They measured the ball of cells which would soon become our baby we had SO longed for, then they moved to the left a little. And there it was….baby B….Wait, WHAT??  Baby B?? The doctor starts explaining Baby B was the second egg follicle they believed wasn’t going to continue to grow to be big enough in time for the trigger shot, but he guessed it made it. I turned to my husband and looked at him sheepishly, knowing full well, Baby B was the product of its mamma’s intuition and theneed to have a “quickie” before daddy went to work….JUST IN CASE baby A wasn’t viable!  So there we were, four kids at home, 2 more on the way, and on top of being AMA, now that I had a twin pregnancy, I just secured myself a place in the high risk category! Yay me! 

We kept the twin news to a minimum. Only close family knew. I was so nervous about it. I had to get blood work and ultrasounds constantly to make sure the babies were ok. Everything seemed to be going ok. I had my normal morning sickness, which is a good sign, and due to twins, my tummy made its appearance rather quickly. Then on Christmas Eve, I woke up with uterine cramping. No spotting, just heavy cramping and what felt like back labor. I was scared I was losing both of my sweet babies. There was nothing I could do but wait it out until my appointment the day after Christmas. If the pregnancy wasn’t going to make it, then I just needed to try and prepare myself 

December 26th, We went to our fertility specialist for a checkup. They started the ultrasound and right away I noticed it….Baby B’s sac was empty. My stomach sank and I held my breath until she got to Baby A. There it was…Baby A…heart beating, moving around, the most beautiful site in the world! But how can I be happy knowing I lost her precious twin? And my heart ached for my precious unborn child and for the love of her twin she will never know. 

I had a lot of depression surrounding the loss of the twin, but I kept it to myself.  I felt guilty mourning the twin, when I was SO blessed to be carrying a healthy, baby girl. I often wonder what life would be like with two toddlers running around our house, but God knows best and Everleigh has been such a HUGE blessing to our entire family! I feel comfort knowing my three angel babies have each other in heaven…what fun they must be having! 

Every time I hear about the loss of a child or pregnancy, it takes me back to those painful days when I had to say good-bye to my angels. I can’t fathom how or why some parents find it so easy to abuse, kill, or walk away from their children. There are so many people out there that are willing to step up and become parents to those unwanted Angels, why can’t they just give them to someone who will love them forever? 

 I have been blessed beyond belief with five of the most beautiful, smart, loving children, and I thank God everyday for them. But there will always be a place in my heart for my three little angel babies. RIP my angel babies….until I see you again! ❀❀

My GraduateΒ 

In the month of May 22 years ago, I had a 2 year old son, was pregnant with my second child, turned 22 years old and was newly widowed.  During that month, I also learned my second child would be a girl…the last gift for my son and I from my husband.  I was SO excited to know my husbands legacy would live on in both his son and daughter.  Kailee-Lane McKenna LeBrun was born in August, and was the most perfect baby girl I had ever seen! 

Throughout the past 21+ years, I have found myself looking at my daughter and wondering how it is possible for her to be so much like someone she’s never physically met.  She’s stubborn like her mother, but sweet like her father.  She has the self determination and Drive like her father.  She has a shyness about her just like him, but a mean streak like her mother if you cross her! She is a perfect mix of the two people who wanted her, but never dreamed only one of us would ever get the joy of raising her. 

From the time she’s been old enough to talk, she’s always been interested in medical shows.  I would catch her watching Trauma Center on the T.V. as a toddler. She would dress up as a doctor, using socks as gloves, and perform “medical acts” on our poor unsuspecting pets! She once told me she wanted to be a doctor when she was about 8.  When I told her she needed to work on her math grade so she can calculate medications,  she said “That’s the nurses job!” πŸ˜‚ So it was no surprise after high school when she decided to go to college to be a nurse.        She began her classes locally and was on her way to getting her degree. 

Reason #1 why she was motivated. Having to live in a household with your new baby sister screaming all of the time, helps you realize the importance of staying in school and getting your degree before juggling kids AND a family!

Shortly after she started classes, we found out my husband was stationed in Washington.  So after a few months finishing classes, she moved to Washington.  During that time, she decided to change her major from nursing to become a paramedic.  Her reasoning….she didn’t know if she could handle the day to day relationship you build with patients because she would get too attached.  This is where my heart burst with pride. How could you not be so proud of the maturity of a young lady knowing she is so caring and loving, she wouldn’t be able to leave work at work?  To know at such a young age what you are and are not capable of, is showing maturity beyond her years! So that’s just what she did! 
After a semester in Washington, she moved to North Carolina, enrolled in college, and has been there ever since.  I have missed my baby girl, but it’s been so nice knowing I’ve raised such an independent, hard working, self-sufficient young lady. She has made new friends, worked as a waitress, and worked hard to finish her classes on time! Through all the struggles, the tears, the late nights, the moving boxes, and stupid boys, she did it!! 

So tomorrow morning, bright and early, we will pack up the car and head to North Carolina to see my baby girl! Friday night we will attend her Paramedic pinning, and Saturday we will attend her college graduation.  She has 2 sets of grandparents, her godparents, her cousins, and all of her siblings coming to see her take the first steps into her future! And I would bet there is a very special angel looking down with the biggest smile on his face! 

Congratulations to the most gorgeous, loving, caring, funny, Paramedic I know! I love you sweet cheeks! 😘😘

When Anxiety Waits

Saturday, February 25, 2017.

What a beautiful Florida day to wake up to! The sun was shining brightly, and the temperature was perfect. We had a busy day planned. I had to go to Target with Makailyn to get my nephew a birthday present and then we could go home to get ready for the Luke Bryan Concert!  My husband had an MRI scheduled, so Everleigh was going to spend the day at the party with Granny and Bubba(Pit).  After we made sure she was taken care of, it was go time! Three girls on a mission to get all beautified for the upcoming evening! But deep down, it was there…I felt it looming, and pushed it back down as much as I could!  

We rode with my cousin and her daughter to the concert. We had to get there early because we all had PIT tickets, which meant we would be waiting in line for hours before we could enter the event!  Walking up to the familiar building, I took it in stride.  Everything seemed to be ok. My cousin had dropped us off at the corner to go find our spot in the line while she parked.  I walked around with the three girls for a few minutes and there didn’t seem to be much of a crowd, much less a line. So far, so good. We stopped by to get a drink and headed around to the side of he building where we found both the line, and my cousin. The girls went on a hunt for food and brought back fries without ketchup from one of the food trucks out front!! Who eats French fries without at LEAST ketchup! So my cousin and I left them to hold our spot in line and find me some ketchup! 

When we came to the front of the building, walking towards the food truck, it hit me…the heavy weight in my chest.  I tried to take a deep breath, but that damn elephant was too heavy to get in a full, deep, oxygenated breath. I tried again. No luck. I scanned the crowd for any familiar faces and the elephant sat up a little…just enough to get some clarity. I GOT TO GET AWAY FROM THE FRONT! My cousin was waiting to use the restroom so I calmly, or maybe not so calmly, excused myself back to the line with the girls. By he time I got back, I was hot, flushed, that damn elephant was getting heavier and my hands were slightly tremoring. I sat down and slowed my breathing down and tried to talk myself out of every reason I was having anxiety!  

  • You are perfectly safe here
  • No one can hurt you
  • Your cousin has your back
  • No one will hurt you around your children
  • It’s been 12 years, get over it
  • You are over reacting
  • You have nothing to fear
  • No one is watching you
  • No one can see the fear
  • BE FEARLESS. BECOME FEARLESS. ENJOY YOURSELF. ENJOY YOUR FAMILY.

Well it seemed it to work for the time being. The girls were laughing and taking endless selfies!  They are the cutest!  This was definitely going to be a night to remember and I did NOT want to waste it on any stupid anxiety filling my head with bullshit that doesn’t belong!

Smiles for miles! 


  After a couple of hours, we were able to enter the coliseum for the concert.  The elephant had seemed to be gone and we were well on our way for a night full of fun and music! We were able to secure a spot right up front against the railing of the PIT, which meant only one thing…we were stuck there in those spots until the concert began!  Meadow decided she wasn’t going to drink any water so she wouldn’t have to take a bathroom break and miss anything! I eventually was able to sneak off before the concert for drinks, after making sure to make friends with those around us and knowing they would take care of my girls. 


Once Brett Young came out, the girls were in awe! They were screaming and dancing their hearts out!  As a mom, nothing is sweeter than watching your children with pure joy in their eyes!! He stopped several times in front of us and shook our hands, and one time he grabbed Meadow’s phone and took a video of him singing with us in the background! He made them fangirls for life!! ​

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Brett Eldridge was next. Another great performance. They danced and sang, having a blast. Once again, we had a chance to shake hands with him and get lots of pictures and videos!   Being up close and personal was well worth the time and money spent to make it happen for my girls! 


After Brett Eldridge, the crowd in the PIT got a little thicker anticipating the arrival of Luke Bryan. My cousin and her daughter finally made there way back from the acoustic performance, and we were waiting for him to take the stage. While waiting, I started feeling a little nudge of anxiety creep in. I tried to feign it off to the best of my ability.  My eyes started scanning the crowd. I had this overwhelming feeling of being watched.  You know that feeling…the one where you feel it in your gut….eyes staring at you, but you just can’t seem to find the direction in which they are coming from! The “elephant” started getting heavier on my chest. There was a family down at the end of the gate who started shoving into us. It wasn’t long until Meadow and I were feeling squished, along with the two young girls beside us. The elephant got heavier.  I asked Security to please ask them to stop pushing. Nothing was done.

Right before Luke took the stage, Meadow looks at me and says, I’m going to be sick! I looked around at the crowd behind us knowing full well we wouldn’t get through before she was sick. I pointed to the rail and said, just go there! The security officer did NOT look pleased, but I guess he should’ve addressed that family insisting on pushing into the rest of us! Then, she says, “Mom, everything is black!”   Before I could react, she was sliding down to the floor in front of me. She had passed out!  My cousin and I tried helping her up and she jumped up screaming, “I’m fine, I’m fine….I’m NOT leaving!” After two bottles of water, holding her hair up and fanning her, she was back to screaming and dancing!  All was well once again!  

Luke did not disappoint! We had a great time listening to him sing and watching him dance only he way he can do to rile the crowd of screaming girls up!  

But that sinking feeling was there…in the pit of my stomach. I just couldn’t shake it!  Half way through his performance, I had enough. I asked my cousin to leave with me! We went and got the girls some water and sat behind the PIT area and finished listening to the concert. I told her I just couldn’t stop looking through the crowd. My anxiety was through the roof and I just really wanted to get home to my husband and baby girl, safe and sound! 

(This is the image I received after I told him I wanted to come home!😍😍)

We left the concert and made it safely back to the vehicle! Slowly, the elephant, who had been a nuisance all evening, left just as quickly as he came! Left behind was a pounding headache and a painful left ear, which turned out to be an ear infection! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

The next morning, two things happened. I received a messaged letting me know my ex was at the concert sitting right across from the PIT where we were. Well, I guess I’m not so crazy after all.  The feeling I had was indeed on point! Thanks to my intuition, I really knew before she even told me…I just could pinpoint The Who and where! 

The second thing….my ex texted his daughter to tell her he saw her at the concert, but he didn’t have his cell phone on him to text her the night before! WHAT?? First of all, who in the hell leaves their cell phone at home or in the car at a concert in 2017?  Secondly, you were with your new wife/old mistress, so seriously, try to sell that bullshit Story to someone a little more naive!  I’ve raised a smart girl,  it some little dumbass who will willingly believe you and all of your lies! 

Here’s the part that is the most irritating to me! Since the first week of July….a week after we moved back from Washington, you have not physically laid eyes on our beautiful daughter. She has spent the last 8 months growing up, maturing, changing, blossoming, getting taller, and becoming a young lady.  And you’ve missed it all. By choice!  You’ve missed her first day of High School.  Her first High School football game she cheered at. Her first High School cheer competition, and her first National Cheer Competition.  You missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. You didn’t even call.  And to top it all off, you stood before God, your family & friends, her family & friends, and vowed to love a woman for the rest of your days….as long as you both shall live….WITHOUT our daughter by your side! You prayed for your marriage to be blessed by God. But you….you can’t even have and keep a relationship with your ONLY child? Tell me, how much faith do you think those of us who truly know you, have on your “new” marriage? A marriage that is the result of two people committing adultery on their spouses! A marriage that began leaving out a VERY important part of one of the two of you? 

For two days, you’ve called. You want a relationship now. After 8 long months. After us watching her notice you ignoring her, you finally decide its time to play dad! And why? Because your new wife says so!  She’s noticing you being upset! So now that it’s affecting her, she wants you to contact your daughter!  How convenient. 

Here’s my thoughts on it.  We HAD to move in January 2014 due to my husbands Navy career.  We had NO choice!  We begged you to come and see your daughter! We begged you to participate in her life.  We opened up our home and even offered you a place to stay, just so you could share in her life while we were stationed away from Florida. Instead, we heard all of the excuses you had. 

  • I can’t take time off of work
  • I can’t afford it
  • It’s too far to fly

So we did our best and moved back as soon as we could. We bought land to build a house to insure we were 2 miles away from your house, to make it easier on YOU so you could be closer to your daughter. Now since we’ve been back, we’ve discovered there never was an issue with all the excuses you once gave.  They were all lies.  Let’s take a moment to point out the truth of what’s happened in the last 8 months. 

  • You’ve taken off work for multiple vacations, including a honeymoon 
  • You bought a new house 675,000 (seems kind of expensive to be broke)
  • You took a plane to visit your brother in Oregon. You know, that state RIGHT below WASHINGTON where your daughter resided for 2.5 years!
  • You moved 1 hour 20 minutes away from your daughter…and didn’t bother telling her for 4 months!
  • You got married–without your daughter present–a big, nice wedding
  • You missed all holidays and special events for 8 months….no call, no text. Oh, there was a text here and there…like when we had to evacuate for the hurricane, but not Christmas!

I could keep going but I’ve blogged and blogged about this and it just seriously breaks my heart.  The worst part…he’s made my daughter harden her heart to protect it from being hurt. She came to me after the first call on Sunday and said she thought something was wrong with her. When I asked why she said, “Well, he was crying on the phone and I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why I had no emotion about it!” 

And THAT is truly the most heartbreaking part of a dad that chooses to walk away.  She will forever have a wall around her heart, waiting for the ones she loves to walk away!  πŸ˜’

I See You

I see you. I know who you are. You can be so easily read. Like a well planned novel, written like so many others, time and time again. The plot is the same.  The characters are eerily similar, although the names are different. The steps you take, the lies you tell, the mistakes you make…it’s all been done before. But this time, the ending will be different.  You see, whenever you write the book, you can change the ending.  I’m choosing to change this one.  I am choosing to lessen your role in my story. To make you less relevant.  To leave you twisted up in your miserable web of lies. A web SO intricate, google maps couldn’t direct you out!  Keep spewing your lies. Keep telling others of you and your husbands innocence.  I will sit here with the truth in my heart, my true love by my side, and the proof in black and white, spoken in your own words for all to discover.  For if I see you, then the world will surely see the real you as well! Evil can only hide in the darkness for so long before it finds its way into the light. 
The End.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017!Β 

2016 seemed to fly by so fast!  When we got orders to Washington State at the end of 2013, 2016 seemed like an eternity away! I willed time to speed by, and time being EVER so gracious, did just that! As mid point 2016 approached, I found myself begging time to slow down! As a family, we had grown accustom to our surroundings in Washington.  We got use to seeing our extended family only via FaceTime or during our annual trip to Florida during the summer.  We made wonderful, lifelong friends, we weren’t ready to say goodbye to.  And June 2016 would mark another huge milestone for our family, with Makailyn  graduating from high school. She would be the first to graduate somewhere other than my alma mater, FBHS!  But as they say, time marches on, and so did she.  She marched across the stage with our immediate family cheering her on, as well as her granny, memaw, and papa, who had flown in for her special day! And thankfully, those who were unable to make the trip, they were able to log in and watch via live feed! 

After graduation, we said our goodbyes and headed out across he country. We traveled down the west coast and enjoyed sight seeing through The Sequoia Forest. The trees were absolutely gorgeous, a work of art courtesy of Mother Nature! We spent one day in SAN Francisco.  We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and took photos.  We even drove by the Full House, house, where we discovered we weren’t the only tourists still obsessed with the Tanners! We drove into LA and Hollywood and became typical tourist!  We even enjoyed a Hollywood tour in which we tormented Meadow, telling her every house was Justin Bieber’s!! We spent a day at Venice Beach watching the kids play in the water and walking along the boardwalk.  We even enjoyed the freak show! Traffic was indeed horrible, especially pulling a Uhaul trailer behind us, but it was well worth it! 

They loved our Maltese, Kingston, at The Freak Show!! 

We left California and headed into Vegas!  To say it was hot is an understatement! It was 115 degrees and being outside felt like you were literally cooking.  The heat hampered our sightseeing, but Makailyn, granny, and I did get to enjoy The Thunder From Down Under! Front row seats and they were worth it! Granny and Makailyn had never been so now they are able to cross that off of their bucket list!  The next day we went to The Secret Garden and happen to run into Siegfried! The girls had no idea who he was, but he was nice enough to take a picture with them!  Meadow got to take pictures with a dolphin.  In spite of the heat, we enjoyed our time in Vegas. 

Our next stop was Oklahoma to see my parents on our way through.  We stopped by and saw Grandpa Kenneth’s gravesite like we do every time we visit Oklahoma.  This time was the first time we were able to visit Nanny Joy’s gravesite.  She is buried next to my cousin Dustin who passed away from cancer as a young boy.  It was bittersweet.  I’m glad we had the opportunity to see her final resting place, but oh how I wish we could be sitting at her dining room table, playing a game of Farkle or Yahtzee instead! 

The final two days of our trip were a blur.  We were exhausted from our trip and ready to see the Florida sign!  Pulling across the Florida state line felt oh so nice!

We’ve spent the second half of 2016 getting reacquainted with our Florida lives.  Some things have changed and some things have stayed the same.  During our time away, I’ve learned a few things.  I learned who my true friends are, and who are just really more like acquaintances.  I’ve learned who I can count on and who is really just out for themselves.  I’ve learned for some, out of sight, is really out of mind.  I’ve learned distance does make the heart grow fonder, if the relationship is strong to begin with!  I’ve seen first hand, some people only want you in their lives if they need something from you, but if you need them, they are too busy to care. I’ve learned some of your best friends will still love you even if you haven’t called them because 3 hours time difference messes up your chat schedule, and the only time you can talk, they can’t, so they will settle for Facebook comments and likes from you without getting their feelings hurt, because like you, they KNOW how much you love them!!! My girls know who they are!!! 😘😘

2016 ended with  Chris and I celebrating our 10 year Anniversary! Every day I look at him I wonder how in the heck I got SO lucky!! He’s an amazing husband and to top it off, he’s an incredible, loving father!! What more could a girl want!! 😍❀️

 I’ve learned that family is the most important thing in the world.  If you want your family to make you a priority in their lives, you better be willing to make them a priority in yours.  You can’t sit back, complain and be jealous of the relationship other family members have with each other, if you aren’t willing to make an effort on your own.  Stop being a victim, make an effort and enjoy your family while they are still around to do so! Life is too short to waste your time on petty feuds and unspoken words! Live today like it’s your last! 

I am so blessed to be home in Florida, surrounded by family and friends. My resolution for 2017 is to focus less on the things I can’t change, and be happy with what God has blessed me with! I mean, seriously….have you seen my kids?!?   Those are seriously some pretty incredible humans I gave birth to! 


Pit will start 2017 walking through an adventure I’m sure he never thought he would embark on! As he turns 24 in February, I can honestly say, as a mom, I’ve raised an incredible young man with a good head on his shoulders!  He’s been on more adventures in his short life than many dream of, and I can’t wait to see where 2017 takes him! KaileeLane will start her final semester of Paramedic school in North Carolina and will graduate in May!  She works as a waitress, goes to school full time and enjoys her time in clinicals.  I love her phone calls telling me all about her day! Time will tell whether or not she will continue to call North Carolina home, or if Florida calls her back! We sure do miss her around here, but I am SO proud of my independent young lady! Her strength and drive amazes me! Makailyn is enrolled in online classes at FSCJ and is working as a waitress.  She’s venturing out into the world one step at a time, deciding where life will take her! She has big dreams and a bright future ahead of her, and no matter where her heart may land, I know she will always be my happy girl! Meadow will turn 15 in 2017 and finish up her Freshman year in High School!  She left Fernandina Beach in 6th grade for 2 1/2 years and came back a beautiful, confident, young lady!  She knows what she wants and expects out of her life and the people in it, and she will not waste time on anything less!  She’s definitely strong-willed and tough, with the right amount of sweetness and charm! And let’s not forget, she’s an absolute makeup fanatic! πŸ˜€ She closed out the first half of her Freshman  year on the honor roll and has set big goals for herself and her future!  I’m excited to watch her continue to grow and achieve all of her dreams!   And last but not least, we have little Miss Everleigh! She is a 3 year old, little mini teenager! She has watched and mimicked her sisters every move for the last 3 1/2 years! From her obsession with lipstick, selfies, sassiness, hands on her hips and the infamous eye roll, she’s got the role of “teenager” down pat! πŸ˜€ Before moving back, I worried Everleigh would be less than friendly to family and friends since we moved when she was 5 months old and she was pretty much secluded except for our immediate family!  NOT in the least!!! She never meets a stranger!! She absolutely loves her brother Pit and cousin Dylan, which somehow she now has claimed as her brother as well! πŸ˜‚  she adores “Aunt Saucy” AKA, Aunt Sylvie! But, no matter how many new faces she meets, she will run up and hug them whenever they are leaving.  She is smart enough to recognize family when she sees them! She is taking dance and is in cheerleading! She loves to dance around the house with her current favorite, The Trolls soundtrack! 

2017 will most certainly be a great year for our family! My parents are building a house which should be finished in February, and will be moving back to Florida from Oklahoma! And if that wasn’t great enough, our house is being built right next door and should be completed in May! We have been so unsettled since moving back, planning and waiting for our dream home to be complete! But the one thing I’ve learned, anything is possible as long as you have your family and friends by your side! Thanks for making 2016 a year to remember! 😘😘

The Wife Who Knew Too Much

I recently went to my attorneys office and got back all of the evidence and paperwork related to my attack in 2005.  There are police reports, pictures, blood-stained clothes,  and an endless pile of paperwork, including depositions and statements given throughout the years.  One night, about 2 weeks after I picked it up, I was up suffering from insomnia and there it sat….in the corner, staring at me, begging me to begin the long journey into that dreadful night.  I knew it wasn’t going to be pleasant. I knew it was going to end with me being angry, hurt, and feeling betrayed all over again, but I KNEW I had to look through it and get it over with. 

This will be one of a few blogs dealing with what I found in those files that night. But this blog in particular, I’m going to focus on one thing and one thing only….the “witnesses” to the attack. Now, I will be politically correct and save myself the hassle of being threatened with legal action of libel and slander, and I will leave out names, however, they are all public record if you really want to know that bad. It’s not really important for the story though.  The only importance is their role in the non-prosecution of my attacker.  

So, we have my two friends who witnessed her attack me, but didn’t actually see the bottle, because one of her male friends grabbed my male friend, which was also my friends boyfriend, when he tried to stop the attack. Therefore neither of my witnesses actually saw the bottle, only the altercation, and the result of the altercation. This allowed the States Attorney to fall back on a technicality, and not prosecute her.  No, they didn’t see  the bottle, but they saw her on top of me and what I looked like after she was pulled off of me! Then you have my estranged husband. (Now ex husband) He claims initially that I started the altercation, but never saw the bottle, but doesn’t know who touched me or who cut up my face! (Per his statement under oath to a judge)  He also stated under oath, she was on top of me! 

Then we have a female witness, a friend of hers. She states under oath to a judge states “I was holding my friend up by her belt so Kenna-Joy couldn’t pull her down on top of her (didn’t I say all along I was on the ground??)  but when he judge asked her under oath, she also didn’t see he bottle or who cut my face or my chest!  

Next we have a male witness, also a friend of my estranged husband at the time. A single man whom I knew well.  There is no statement from him in the police report, but there is a statement later during an apparent formal interview that I nor my witnesses were NEVER advised of!   This was dated April 3, 2005…. really….over a month AFTER the incident! These statements were taken after the injunction for protection had been issued as well!!  So after over a month, the injunction was already issued and my witnesses had given their statements, the officers gather her witnesses, all of which arrived with her to the event, and question them.  Of course her female witness states I was very intoxicated  and she herself was afraid of me and not my attacker! (My attacker was her friend!)  The single male friend, also a fire fighter,  says I was the clear aggressor and the defendant would NOT have attack had I not approached her! (Hmm..wonder why he didn’t give a statement saying those words the night of the attack? Sounds to me like he was persuaded!)

Now, the final witness I would like to address, is the married fireman.  The good ole buddy of my estranged husband.  You see, this man basically fell off the face of the earth when this went down! I called him to ask him why he didn’t give a statement to the police and he said he didn’t know she was stabbing me or he would’ve beat the shit out of her!  See, he was the guy who pushed my male friend down, my friend who tried to help me!  Neither the married fireman nor the single fireman showed up in court to testify in behalf of my attacker or my estranged husband during their injunction hearings. But both gave a statement in some secret meeting I knew nothing about! Why would this married man be SO worried about me finding out about his statement to the police? Why would he not give the same statement in court to help both my attacker and husband in court if it was the truth?  

Two reasons!  First, during this investigation, all parties were called down to a meeting with their superiors.  It seems the fire department was conducting its own investigation…off the record, of course! The married male fireman is married to someone with family higher up in the fire department hierarchy.  This whole situation most likely didn’t sit too well with the family.  Secondly , the estranged wife, me, knew too much! I’m quite sure he was extremely nervous about pissing me off, especially when it came to marital affairs!  It seems he wasn’t so careful when he was intoxicated one night when he was out with us and his wife was in Disney with their daughter! I’m sure he didn’t want me to let it slip to his wife about the new teacher friend from Callahan he met that night in the bar! I’m sure it wouldn’t have gone over very well! But that was years ago, so we should all be over it by now, right? I’m sure he wouldn’t care if she put  2 + 2 together, right?  

Needless to say, there were a lot of uncovered secrets in those files, and I’ve just barely scratched the surface! 

Little Girl Lost, Or Not

Out of all the things that I’ve done in my life, being a mother is and always will be by far the most important thing I’ve ever done!  Even as a child, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  My dream career choice would change, but being a mother was always top on my list.  I was the youngest of three children, and the only girl, so I would spend hours playing with my babies or Barbies by myself.  I even taught myself how to French Braid hair using my fake babies! I was destined to be a mother! And at 19 years old, I did just that! I gave birth to the first of five beautiful gifts God blessed me with. One boy, then four girls. I am extremely happy with my children, and I have never for one minute been unhappy with my choice of having any of them. My choices of their fathers, on the other hand, I should’ve been more picky…for their sakes! 

While growing up, I met numerous girls that had “boy issues”. Everyone knows “that girl”…the girl who seeks attention from boys, the one who flirts excessively, the one with “daddy issues”, and the one that would jump from guy to guy just looking for someone to love her.  Be honest….you know her….you still know her…or you are her…either way, you know who I’m talking about! From an early age, I always felt sympathy for “her”.  At the time, I didn’t have anything in common with her.  My parents weren’t divorced.  My mom and dad are still happily married to this day and celebrated their 47th wedding Anniversary this past June. Maybe it is my strong mothering instinct, but I always felt bad for “that girl” and would look past her actions and see what was in her heart. If she was a good person, that’s all that mattered to me. I could careless what everyone else thought of her sexual behavior, I knew it was from something deeper, something emotional and had nothing to do with her being a bad person. 

When I had my children, I wanted to provide a stable household for them to grow up in. I didn’t want to have children who had emotional issues that would cause them to act out and be judged harshly by society.  I had a great example of how a man should love a woman. My father was a faithful man. He NEVER strayed during their marriage. In fact, my mothers biggest competition was his weakness for playing softball and coaching! I spent many nights in the bleachers watching the boys play underneath the glare of the field lights. So it’s no shock that my first love was an athlete! My High School sweetheart played football, wrestled, weight lifted and was an amateur boxer.  We were married after school and had our son. I picked a husband and the father of my children based on what I grew up with…my father….a good, strong, loving man! 

But, of course, fate had a different plan. When I lost my husband 2 years later, my world crashed around me. I can’t describe how much pain and anger consumed me.  But as soon as I knew my body held the future child we had created before he passed away, the pain and anger had to be put aside.  My body was a safe place for our unborn child…the grief would have to be dealt with after I had delivered my baby girl 8 months later.  Then and only then did I let the pain and anger consume me and my body.  She was now safe in the outside world. 

I then became “that girl”. Not in the sense of being sexually active with anyone and everyone, but I became very reckless with my choice in men. I no longer chose good, quality men. It took me years of psycho analyzing myself to realize just exactly what I did to myself during those years following the death of my husband. I didn’t think I deserved nor did I think I would ever find another soul mate in this life time! I had it once, and I would never have it again.  My second husband was not a man I could say I ever really loved. He was a very bad man.  I will always be grateful for our beautiful daughter, but he has caused me and my children too much pain to ever say I am thankful to have ever met him.  

Now, my 3rd husband. I did love him. I thought he was a good man. A man that would be a great family man.  He was a Christain, his family was as well. But he turned out to be a “bad boy”.  Why do women chose the bad boy?  I can tell you why…to punish ourselves in some away or another.  Years later, I know why I chose him, but it doesn’t make it easier to accept those reasons when i am dealing with him and parenting our daughter. 

I am open with my girls about being dependent on a man. I’ve tried to make them independent and self sufficient. I guess I can thank my ex for that….In one therapy session he stated I was needy! Bitch, please!!! I was working 6 days a week as a Registered Nurse, making more money than him AND taking care of my kids!! I didn’t NEED him…I WANTED him because he was my husband! I guess he was right in a way,  I NEEDED him to be a faithful, loving, family man!  I guess at was just too much to ask! 

Anyway, the two oldest girls have done very well being strong and independent in spite of the chaos my horrible 2nd and 3rd marriages put our family through.  Both are living in North Carolina and will tell a man where to shove it if they overstep their boundaries! But my 3rd daughter, I’ve been particularly concerned with lately. If you haven’t read my blogs about this particular situation 24 Days Of Silence and It Took 5 Weeks

For a quick recap, we moved back from Washington State on June 26th. On July 3rd, my daughter and her dad got into an argument. July 5th she texted him because he wasn’t answering her calls.  This is the conversation. 

After that, all of her calls and texts were blocked.  There was no contact from her father AT ALL!  He didn’t show up at the games to watch her cheer, call the first day of her freshman year of high school, call to invite her to his wedding in August…nothing…until October 5th. She received a text asking if she was evacuating for the hurricane.  The next text came on October 31st. In one text she questioned him regarding him blocking her.  His response was “I’m not dealing with the drama of you telling me what you are and aren’t going to do”  She sent him a video of her doing her back tuck for the first time on November 2nd and he never responded to her…and he hasn’t since! For anyone who knows anything about tumbling, when you conquer a skill for the first time, it’s a BIG deal! Its the equivalent of hitting a home run or a winning touchdown! It’s been 20 weeks since he has physically laid eyes on his daughter. Why? Because she back talked to him! **GASP**

Hmm…oh, you mean we get to decide when we feel like we want to be parents??  Hot damn….nobody told me!!! Where’s my dang vacation!!! Somebody owes me some fruity alcoholic drinks with an umbrella! And a massage…yea, I want a massage too!  And a pedicure…and a steak, medium rare…oh, crΓ¨me brΓ»lΓ©e too! YES!!  Hell, at this point, I would settle for a teenager that would pick her backpack up off the floor without grunting at me and rolling her eyes OR having to ask her 14 times before she “remembers” what I told her! But that’s what parenting is…but I guess he doesn’t have to do that. When it got hard, he bailed…just like he did on our marriage! Which is why I’ve been SO concerned with her lately! If the man she is supposed to look up to and use as an example for her future relationships turns his back on her so easily, just for being difficult, what kind of man will she choose to be with? Will she be drawn to the bad boy? Will she become “that girl” that everyone whispers about in the hallway. A girl who’s just emotionally lost and misunderstood? 

This weekend my daughter showed me a side of her I’m not sure she even knows exists. It showed me she has the emotional maturity that is lacking in most teens and to be quite honest, emotional maturity her own father lacks as well.  We watch The Bachelorette together as a family. Her sisters watch it as well.  We all had our favorite and from the beginning, Robby Hayes from Jacksonville was one of hers. When he made it to the final two, she was SO upset when JoJo didn’t pick him! Well, we had the opportunity to meet him on Saturday.  He was doing an appearance at a local bar.  My daughter was too young to go inside, but thanks to an awesome friend, he got Robby to come outside to meet her. My sweet fangirl, who is 14, spent 2 hours curling her hair and primping! When Robby walked out of the bar, the look on her face was priceless.  She was in shock. She bear hugged him and smiled from ear to ear! He took pictures with her and my cousins daughter, he even snap chatted her sisters in North Carolina, which literally was the highlight of their night! (I’ve heard the video 1000 since) πŸ˜ƒ He really is just as nice in person as he was on the show.  I admit it, I was a skeptic, but he proved me wrong.  He wasn’t just edited to be a nice guy, he just IS! 

My point of the story is this…out of all the guys on the Bachelorette…all the “hot” guys, guys with abs of steel, model-like guys, smooth talkers, etc…my girl, she chose the NICE guy! She chose the good guy that treated not only his lady with respect, but everyone else as well.  And THAT makes my heart happy! 

Maybe her dad falling off his pedestal isn’t such a bad thing after all.  Instead of leading by example, he’s given her an example of what NOT to look for in a man.  Either way, my girl and her heart will be ok…she’s smart, she’s strong, and she IS needy like her momma as well, but it’s ok….just like her momma, my girl will find her happiness!  

Can’t you see the pure joy all over her face?!? 


A Week of Sleepless Nights

When you announce to the world you are pregnant, you are often greeted with unsolicited advice and horror stories.  You will hear about the horrible weight gain of this one, the traumatic labor and delivery of that one….but the BEST stories are the ones told regarding the first year of life after your precious bundle of joy enters the world.  

I was no different.  I was 19 years old when I got my first positive pregnancy test.  I heard all of the horror stories you can imagine, mostly due to my age I suppose.  I guess people were trying to scare me. I’m pretty sure that should’ve been done prior to the positive test, not after I had already fallen in love with the little ball of cells that would soon become my first born! Everyone told me over and over how many sleepless nights were in my future….how many days I was doomed to spend walking around like a zombie, due to the lack of sleep this little person I was growing inside me would make me suffer through.  They warned me…over and over, that the first few years would be SO hard!  But…what they didn’t tell me, what they didn’t warn me of, was my future of sleepless nights would haunt me well after my first born was an adult! 

23 years & 8 months later, my first born is now a grown man. My only boy of five children. He literally is my one and only, mamma’s boy. We’ve been through so much together at such a young age. We’ve mourned the loss of his father together, welcomed the birth of his sister 8 months later together, learned to rebuild our family together, suffered through teen angst together, and finally, grew up and came to love the differences in each other…together.  He is everything I am not, but I am everything he needs when he needs it. His dad and I created a compassionate, caring, carefree, loving, wild, funny, strong, man and I know he is proud of him.  But with his carefree side comes a price at times….and that price is anxiety of the unknown. 

Sometimes my anxiety hits me and it’s not always justified.  Losing my first husband in a car wreck, all it takes is the sound or sight of sirens to send me into a calling spree and a headcount of loved ones to make sure everyone’s accounted for. Last week it happened twice. Once I was able to ease my fears pretty quickly with the help of a Facebook post. But the second time, my anxiety was through the roof!  

I had spoken to my son that evening and he was headed off to a Halloween party. He said “I love you, later” (he refuses to say bye—)

So when I see a post regarding a wreck coming from a Halloween party, I panicked. Anxiety shot up, and there I was….stuck with no way to get in touch with him. My husband was out of town in Greece for work or else I would’ve been in my car driving to that party, but with my two youngest at home, I had to wait it out. 

I stayed by my phone….I stalked Facebook….and hours later when I knew it wasn’t my son,  my anxiety was gone, but it was replaced with sadness and grief for those lives lost and those that witnessed the horrible accident.  May God watch over those left behind. 

The next morning, I heard the best sound a mother could ever hear…the sound of my sons voice after a sleepless night of wondering if I would ever again hear that familiar, “Hey mom!” Ever again.  Of course his response after telling him how worried I had been was, “I was ok mom….nothing is going to happen to me!”

But all parents know, just because your child grows up and is safe from one risk, there is always another waiting to take its place.  No matter what age your child may be, you will always be their parent. And as a parent, you must always be prepared to spend a sleepless night, worrying about your baby….no matter how big or small! And even if I would’ve known about all the sleepless nights, all the worry, all the heartache…I still would’ve had seen that positive test, all those years ago! 
The day my world changed forever….this little person made me a mom! ❀️

My oldest two babies!  πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

     

The reason for every sleepless night, my reason for every breath I take….my five beautiful babies! They are worth it all! 

I Hate Cowards!

Back in February, I posted regarding the Anniversaary of my attack.  I received some attention during that time that was perhaps a little disturbing for those that were involved in the events leading up to my attack and in my attack itself.  At some point, I received a negative comment on my blog from what I assumed was my attacker. Around the same time I also received a mysterious Facebook friend request.  I won’t give the name because this person actually does exist, but he was not the one who made the request, but his name and picture were used to create a fake profile.  I did not accept the request, but a friend of mine received the same friend request and accepted it.  This led to her being harassed by this anonymous person and slandered on both her churches and work Facebook page.  She contacted JSO and filed a report.  After many months of waiting for the subpoena to come back,  we finally got the answer we were waiting for.  The IP Adress matched that of my attacker, which also matched that of the IP Adress WordPress sent me from the person who left the comment and subscribed to my blog! The IP Address was her personal cell phone.  Not a home computer, but a cell phone.  

So any intelligent person would think,  “Hey, this crazy ass girl broke her injunction…..twice…..JSO and the States Attorneys Office should have a slam dunk case”  

Yea…not so much!  Let me first start by saying, the detectives were less than helpful. The female detective I spoke to in numerous occasions was condescending and rude!  She stated she didn’t understand why I was so worried since there had been no further contact since February! Ummmm….excuse me Miss high and mighty!!! Let me slash your face and body up multiple times and then we will see how intimidated you are by a phone call, Internet contact, or Facebook request!! How dare you demean my fear you Uncompassionate bitch!! Then she said “You were the aggressor”  When I questioned where she heard that she responded, “it was obvious since Mrs H was not arrested that night, and after all, YOU were at a FIREFIGHTER sponsored event!”

At this point my blood boiled!!!! Victim shaming at its finest!!!!  For anyone reading this who may not know, my first husband, who is deceased, was a boxer.  I love the sport. I enjoy watching it.  I had been to previous Guns-N-Hoses events before that night and have been since! I also attended that night at the request of a dear friend who was going to her first boxing match since losing her husband the previous year while he was fighting in a boxing match, coached by my father-in-law!  So, please, if ANYONE thinks that I intentionally went there looking for her, you are mistaken! I was more than happy looking at the eye candy that was walking around in full force that evening!!!  I was NOT wasting my time worrying about my cheating husband and his skanky whore!  And for this detective to put the blame on me, the victim, is disgusting!  

Not only did she blame me, but she has allowed Mrs. H to have an “out”!  Yep!  Seems like all you have to do to get out of trouble when you break an injunction is blame it on your husband!!! Yep!! I guess her husband wrote that comment on my blog! Even though he wasn’t there and has NO idea what happened.  He must’ve took HER phone, googled my blog, commented on it, requested to follow it, and gave it back to her!! ALL without little miss innocent knowing ANYTHING about him doing it….because if she KNEW he was commenting on my blog, that would make her guilty too!  Yep…..seems logical to me!!! Yea, right!!! JSO is delusional or this is ANOTHER cover up for one of there own!  Great job guys!  

In closing I would like to add one thing.  I have a message for Mr. H himself. Since you are such a big man, Mr. Firefighter….why don’t you stop hiding behind your damn computer screen be a REAL man!! Put your wife’s phone down, pick up your own phone and dial my number.  I’m sure your wife still has it from the last time she broke her injunction! If you aren’t a coward, I will tell you the truth…all of it….the difference between me and your lying wife is I can back it up with proof! I have all of the paperwork you will ever need to see what a lying whore you are really married too! But then again, you already know that, don’t you!  That’s why you will continue to sit there with your low class, poor excuse of a wife, in the hell you created for yourself! Congrats Chief…You two were made for each other! 

My Ex Got Married…Again!

My ex-husband got married today. It’s his 3rd wife.  I suppose I should feel some sort of way, but I just don’t.  At this point it’s almost comical.  And before my critics go on their rant blasting me to God and everyone, YES, I’ve been married four times, BUT I am a widow, a domestic violence survivor, and was lucky enough to make it out of my 3rd marriage from above mentioned adulterous husband with MOST of my self esteem intact!  Thank God for my amazing fourth husband of almost 10 years who continues to lick my battle wounds of relationships past!  So go on critics….speak your lies….try to make yourselves relevant…who gives a crap, my blog is not intended for you anyway! 

So, where was I?  The ex….yea, so he got married….again! (YAWN) If I was a betting woman, I would say this won’t be the last! He will be bored in 2 years and those blue eyes will wander….just a matter of time.  

I gotta give this one props though.  You see, back when we were married, his mistress was SO important to him. He left his family for her.  Almost failed his Engineer test because of her.  He put his job on the line by lying for the stupid bitch. But when push came to shove, the injunction I held against her for stabbing me allowed me also to have our divorce papers include no contact between his mistress and our daughter….EVER!  Well, apparently, mistress number one wasn’t nearly as important to him as she thought she was.  That was the end of their relationship.  I was told he would NEVER give up his child for a woman! 

Fast forward 11 years later.  Mistress number two, who today became wife number 3, must’ve been WAY better than mistress number 1!  The same man who couldn’t imagine giving up his daughter for a woman has now turned his back on his only child! And why? Because parenting is hard.  Because his daughter is holding him accountable for his actions.  Because his daughter threatened the relationship apparently more important than his own flesh and blood! And what was this threat?? The threat of the truth!  He didn’t want his future wife to know the truth. The truth about his past that could change the way she saw him and their relationship. 

Prior to our marriage, my ex told me his father said to him, make sure this is what you want…marriage is a one time thing!!  His father is a man of God….a Deacon in the church. But yet this man has stood up two more times before God and other witnesses and allowed his son to stand before God and his peers and lie! He has stood by and allowed him to speak vows of untruth, and continues to support him time and time again.  And for 6 weeks prior to the wedding today, not one word from the paternal grandparents. My daughter has been cut off from the entire family.  She has been outcast because she had the nerve to speak the truth and hold her father accountable for his actions.  These people that stand before God every week in church and proclaim to be holy! The Devil was once an Angel. Christianity should begin at home.  If you don’t practice true Christianity within your own family, how can you preach it to others within the church walls?? 

So, while I have no emotions regarding the marriage, I do have emotions regarding my daughter.  I can’t change who her family is, I can only help her cope with what she was given.  She is angry, and YES SHE HAS ISSUES THANKS TO THAT FAMILY, but I will do everything in my power to let her know it’s not her fault! It’s his loss, she’s a great kid! She’s extremely bright, sassy, smart-mouthed, hard-headed, stubborn, and relentless…and yes, she gets ALL of that from ME!! BUT, that coldness that she uses to cut those she pissed at, yea, she gets THAT from the paternal side…enjoy it!