All posts by Kenna-Joy

About Kenna-Joy

I'm just a wife and mother looking for an outlet to release all of the craziness that is my life! I've been through a lot in the 40 years I've been blessed to walk this earth! I've been a widow, an abused spouse, a mother, a nurse, a victim of infidelity, and FINALLY a woman who is in a wonderful marriage! It's time to release the painful memories of my past and move on to the blessings of my future!

A Week of Sleepless Nights

When you announce to the world you are pregnant, you are often greeted with unsolicited advice and horror stories.  You will hear about the horrible weight gain of this one, the traumatic labor and delivery of that one….but the BEST stories are the ones told regarding the first year of life after your precious bundle of joy enters the world.

I was no different.  I was 19 years old when I got my first positive pregnancy test.  I heard all of the horror stories you can imagine, mostly due to my age I suppose.  I guess people were trying to scare me. I’m pretty sure that should’ve been done prior to the positive test, not after I had already fallen in love with the little ball of cells that would soon become my first born! Everyone told me over and over how many sleepless nights were in my future….how many days I was doomed to spend walking around like a zombie, due to the lack of sleep this little person I was growing inside me would make me suffer through.  They warned me…over and over, that the first few years would be SO hard!  But…what they didn’t tell me, what they didn’t warn me of, was my future of sleepless nights would haunt me well after my first born was an adult!

23 years & 8 months later, my first born is now a grown man. My only boy of five children. He literally is my one and only, mamma’s boy. We’ve been through so much together at such a young age. We’ve mourned the loss of his father together, welcomed the birth of his sister 8 months later together, learned to rebuild our family together, suffered through teen angst together, and finally, grew up and came to love the differences in each other…together.  He is everything I am not, but I am everything he needs when he needs it. His dad and I created a compassionate, caring, carefree, loving, wild, funny, strong, man and I know he is proud of him.  But with his carefree side comes a price at times….and that price is anxiety of the unknown.

Sometimes my anxiety hits me and it’s not always justified.  Losing my first husband in a car wreck, all it takes is the sound or sight of sirens to send me into a calling spree and a headcount of loved ones to make sure everyone’s accounted for. Last week it happened twice. Once I was able to ease my fears pretty quickly with the help of a Facebook post. But the second time, my anxiety was through the roof!

I had spoken to my son that evening and he was headed off to a Halloween party. He said “I love you, later” (he refuses to say bye—)

So when I see a post regarding a wreck coming from a Halloween party, I panicked. Anxiety shot up, and there I was….stuck with no way to get in touch with him. My husband was out of town in Greece for work or else I would’ve been in my car driving to that party, but with my two youngest at home, I had to wait it out.

I stayed by my phone….I stalked Facebook….and hours later when I knew it wasn’t my son,  my anxiety was gone, but it was replaced with sadness and grief for those lives lost and those that witnessed the horrible accident.  May God watch over those left behind.

The next morning, I heard the best sound a mother could ever hear…the sound of my sons voice after a sleepless night of wondering if I would ever again hear that familiar, “Hey mom!” Ever again.  Of course his response after telling him how worried I had been was, “I was ok mom….nothing is going to happen to me!”

But all parents know, just because your child grows up and is safe from one risk, there is always another waiting to take its place.  No matter what age your child may be, you will always be their parent. And as a parent, you must always be prepared to spend a sleepless night, worrying about your baby….no matter how big or small! And even if I would’ve known about all the sleepless nights, all the worry, all the heartache…I still would’ve had seen that positive test, all those years ago!
The day my world changed forever….this little person made me a mom! ❤️

My oldest two babies!  😘😘

The reason for every sleepless night, my reason for every breath I take….my five beautiful babies! They are worth it all!

I Hate Cowards!

Back in February, I posted regarding the Anniversaary of my attack.  I received some attention during that time that was perhaps a little disturbing for those that were involved in the events leading up to my attack and in my attack itself.  At some point, I received a negative comment on my blog from what I assumed was my attacker. Around the same time I also received a mysterious Facebook friend request.  I won’t give the name because this person actually does exist, but he was not the one who made the request, but his name and picture were used to create a fake profile.  I did not accept the request, but a friend of mine received the same friend request and accepted it.  This led to her being harassed by this anonymous person and slandered on both her churches and work Facebook page.  She contacted JSO and filed a report.  After many months of waiting for the subpoena to come back,  we finally got the answer we were waiting for.  The IP Adress matched that of my attacker, which also matched that of the IP Adress WordPress sent me from the person who left the comment and subscribed to my blog! The IP Address was her personal cell phone.  Not a home computer, but a cell phone.  

So any intelligent person would think,  “Hey, this crazy ass girl broke her injunction…..twice…..JSO and the States Attorneys Office should have a slam dunk case”  

Yea…not so much!  Let me first start by saying, the detectives were less than helpful. The female detective I spoke to in numerous occasions was condescending and rude!  She stated she didn’t understand why I was so worried since there had been no further contact since February! Ummmm….excuse me Miss high and mighty!!! Let me slash your face and body up multiple times and then we will see how intimidated you are by a phone call, Internet contact, or Facebook request!! How dare you demean my fear you Uncompassionate bitch!! Then she said “You were the aggressor”  When I questioned where she heard that she responded, “it was obvious since Mrs H was not arrested that night, and after all, YOU were at a FIREFIGHTER sponsored event!”

At this point my blood boiled!!!! Victim shaming at its finest!!!!  For anyone reading this who may not know, my first husband, who is deceased, was a boxer.  I love the sport. I enjoy watching it.  I had been to previous Guns-N-Hoses events before that night and have been since! I also attended that night at the request of a dear friend who was going to her first boxing match since losing her husband the previous year while he was fighting in a boxing match, coached by my father-in-law!  So, please, if ANYONE thinks that I intentionally went there looking for her, you are mistaken! I was more than happy looking at the eye candy that was walking around in full force that evening!!!  I was NOT wasting my time worrying about my cheating husband and his skanky whore!  And for this detective to put the blame on me, the victim, is disgusting!  

Not only did she blame me, but she has allowed Mrs. H to have an “out”!  Yep!  Seems like all you have to do to get out of trouble when you break an injunction is blame it on your husband!!! Yep!! I guess her husband wrote that comment on my blog! Even though he wasn’t there and has NO idea what happened.  He must’ve took HER phone, googled my blog, commented on it, requested to follow it, and gave it back to her!! ALL without little miss innocent knowing ANYTHING about him doing it….because if she KNEW he was commenting on my blog, that would make her guilty too!  Yep…..seems logical to me!!! Yea, right!!! JSO is delusional or this is ANOTHER cover up for one of there own!  Great job guys!  

In closing I would like to add one thing.  I have a message for Mr. H himself. Since you are such a big man, Mr. Firefighter….why don’t you stop hiding behind your damn computer screen be a REAL man!! Put your wife’s phone down, pick up your own phone and dial my number.  I’m sure your wife still has it from the last time she broke her injunction! If you aren’t a coward, I will tell you the truth…all of it….the difference between me and your lying wife is I can back it up with proof! I have all of the paperwork you will ever need to see what a lying whore you are really married too! But then again, you already know that, don’t you!  That’s why you will continue to sit there with your low class, poor excuse of a wife, in the hell you created for yourself! Congrats Chief…You two were made for each other! 

My Ex Got Married…Again!

My ex-husband got married today. It’s his 3rd wife.  I suppose I should feel some sort of way, but I just don’t.  At this point it’s almost comical.  And before my critics go on their rant blasting me to God and everyone, YES, I’ve been married four times, BUT I am a widow, a domestic violence survivor, and was lucky enough to make it out of my 3rd marriage from above mentioned adulterous husband with MOST of my self esteem intact!  Thank God for my amazing fourth husband of almost 10 years who continues to lick my battle wounds of relationships past!  So go on critics….speak your lies….try to make yourselves relevant…who gives a crap, my blog is not intended for you anyway! 

So, where was I?  The ex….yea, so he got married….again! (YAWN) If I was a betting woman, I would say this won’t be the last! He will be bored in 2 years and those blue eyes will wander….just a matter of time.  

I gotta give this one props though.  You see, back when we were married, his mistress was SO important to him. He left his family for her.  Almost failed his Engineer test because of her.  He put his job on the line by lying for the stupid bitch. But when push came to shove, the injunction I held against her for stabbing me allowed me also to have our divorce papers include no contact between his mistress and our daughter….EVER!  Well, apparently, mistress number one wasn’t nearly as important to him as she thought she was.  That was the end of their relationship.  I was told he would NEVER give up his child for a woman! 

Fast forward 11 years later.  Mistress number two, who today became wife number 3, must’ve been WAY better than mistress number 1!  The same man who couldn’t imagine giving up his daughter for a woman has now turned his back on his only child! And why? Because parenting is hard.  Because his daughter is holding him accountable for his actions.  Because his daughter threatened the relationship apparently more important than his own flesh and blood! And what was this threat?? The threat of the truth!  He didn’t want his future wife to know the truth. The truth about his past that could change the way she saw him and their relationship. 

Prior to our marriage, my ex told me his father said to him, make sure this is what you want…marriage is a one time thing!!  His father is a man of God….a Deacon in the church. But yet this man has stood up two more times before God and other witnesses and allowed his son to stand before God and his peers and lie! He has stood by and allowed him to speak vows of untruth, and continues to support him time and time again.  And for 6 weeks prior to the wedding today, not one word from the paternal grandparents. My daughter has been cut off from the entire family.  She has been outcast because she had the nerve to speak the truth and hold her father accountable for his actions.  These people that stand before God every week in church and proclaim to be holy! The Devil was once an Angel. Christianity should begin at home.  If you don’t practice true Christianity within your own family, how can you preach it to others within the church walls?? 

So, while I have no emotions regarding the marriage, I do have emotions regarding my daughter.  I can’t change who her family is, I can only help her cope with what she was given.  She is angry, and YES SHE HAS ISSUES THANKS TO THAT FAMILY, but I will do everything in my power to let her know it’s not her fault! It’s his loss, she’s a great kid! She’s extremely bright, sassy, smart-mouthed, hard-headed, stubborn, and relentless…and yes, she gets ALL of that from ME!! BUT, that coldness that she uses to cut those she pissed at, yea, she gets THAT from the paternal side…enjoy it!

It Took 5 Weeks

5 weeks! That’s how long my daughter endured silence from the paternal side of her family. No calls, no texts, no social media likes or comments….5 weeks of being ignored! And the night before the first day of school, the silence was broken! The night before she starts High School…in a new place….with no real friends yet….with nerves about the next day looming….and finally a text comes through after 9 pm! Was it from her dad? Oh no, of course not! It was from her cousin wanting to know what was going on and why she wasn’t attending her dads wedding this weekend. 

My daughter explained her side of the story and told her she didn’t know when or where the wedding was. She had no clue prior to the text from her cousin when he was getting married. So instead of being understanding, her cousin told her she should apologize to the family and go to the wedding!!! WTF???  No seriously…..WHAT…THE….FUCK???? My daughter said he should be the one apologizing since he was the adult.  In summary of the texts that went back and forth, she basically told my daughter she would regret not going, but my daughter declined her invitation to pick her up Saturday for the wedding. 

Now, I’m sure she was put up to texting her so I really don’t blame her.  When I was a young woman, I was naive and did believe almost everything my parents told me too! But timing is everything.  Tomorrow will be stressful enough for my girl without her having this to deal with, but according to her cousin, maybe I should be more concerned about her fathers stress level as he’s SO stressed with this wedding!! NOT!!  

Here’s the thing. I’ve contemplated many times why I married him.  I knew how he was with women before me, and yet I still dated him.  And when he asked me to marry him, I felt SO special, because after all, he NEVER married the OTHER women! (sarcastic)   I quickly found out I was NOT special or lucky, but oh so unlucky!  Lesson learned.  Then he married again. I often wondered how she could’ve overlooked what he had done to me.  The cheating, the lying, the crazy mistress he kept screwing after she stabbed me….I found out the story was twisted, but I only found out after he cheated on his 2nd wife too!! 

So my question tonight is simple. If you are the potential 3rd wife of a man with his history.  Even if he lies about me and denies any part of the affair with my attacker, he can’t deny his affair and cheating on his 2nd wife, because the potential 3rd wife was his mistress!! So…Miss almost 3rd wife….you were his mistress….you won….broke up his marriage to his second wife.  I’m sure you think you are SO special, right? Can you explain how a man can walk away from his ONLY child without a second thought? His own flesh and blood that he helped create….he cut ties with her because she pissed him off!!! So, if he can do THAT to a CHILD that is his own, what in the hell do you think he can and will do to you and your children??? 

I may have been SO stupid when I was in love with him, but I can tell you this! If he had a child, and he refused this child for any reason whatsoever, there would be NO relationship, much less a wedding!  Any man that willingly blocks a child from calling them and texting them has a heart of ice. He has blocked off his emotions so he can’t feel love! If I were you, I would run the other way as fast as you can! If not, if you are so determined to tie the knot, keep your finances separate.  Make him sign a prenup! Don’t buy a house in both of your names!  You, my dear, are his one way ticket to an easy retirement! Florida is a 50/50 state. Do your homework before you say “I do” 

And let’s talk about those vows for a moment, shall we?

 “For better or worse” –I hope you or your kids don’t get sick, he doesn’t “like” hospitals…ask his mommy!  He will leave any chance he gets and complain the entire time he’s there, regardless of how serious the situation is.  Even if it is for his own child. 

“For richer or poorer” –As long as you keep making money, he will keep saving his!

“In sickness and in health”–“Not only does he not “do” hospitals, but even pregnancy freaks him out!

“Love and cherish you”—you and anyone else who strokes his ego!

I am assuming you are blinded by love temporarily.  And, if I’m wrong, then you must be just as ice cold as he is, because no woman, much less mother would allow a man she claims to love start a life with her knowing he has cut ties with his only child! And if that’s the case, then I wish both of you a life full of nothing but the best hell has to offer!! F**K you both! 

24 Days of Silence

It’s been 24 days of silence.  No call, no text, no knock on the door….just silence!  I would like to say I’m surprised. I would like to say I’m shocked at his actions. That would be a lie. I’ve always known how selfish of a man he was and he has finally shown just how deep his selfishness runs through his veins…deep into his cold, black heart! 

Let’s take a moment and play catch up! I’ve been postponing this blog for some time now, hoping beyond all hope this would blow over but it’s not.  So, why not just let the world know how I feel! I have nothing to lose! 

After hearing for the past 2 plus years endless rants about being separated from his child from my ex, my husband was determined to get orders back to the area.  We wanted what was best for our daughter and figured being in close proximity to her dad was important. He managed to snag orders back to the East coast and we were ecstatic! We left Washington state the afternoon of the last day of school to head from West to East coast. Two cars, 3 adults, 3 kids, 3 dogs and 1 U-Haul loaded up and packed in tight, we were happy to be heading home! It took 11 days to get back. As soon as we got into town we made arrangements for my ex to pick up my daughter.  

That same week cheer camp started. Even though technically it was “his” time for the summer and he should’ve been responsible for picking up and dropping her off, that’s not the way it went. Prior to our move, we never went by the final paperwork. By HIS choice, he had never exercised his right for summer visitation, holiday visitation etc. He would more or less call when he wanted her and I would let him have her. He rarely kept her overnight, but would get her after school, do homework, eat dinner and bring her home. It has ALWAYS been my responsibility to take care of the extra curricular activities and making sure she was where she needed to be. Mostly because he doesn’t really like cheerleading, but that’s a whole  other blog!! Anyway, so that week, we co-parented and shared responsibility for taking and picking her up from cheer. It was not a big deal for me to pick her up for him since I was only 5 minutes away.  Everything was going well…we were getting along, everything was fine.  Until…..

My 14 year old daughter comes home from her dad house and tells me his future wife (his mistress from his 2nd marriage) says to her, “I was going to buy you that Chex mix you like, but I wanted to wait to see if you needed it first!” Then she grabs her belly and says, “You’ve put on some weight, haven’t you?” 

Now, any mother should know it took everything in me not to call her immediately to tell her what I thought of her comments to my daughter! My daughter who is 5 foot 9, wears a size ZERO and was barely 14!! Are you kidding me?!??!  Instead, I talked to my daughter calmly about her body image of herself, reiterated the fact that she was indeed NOT fat, and waited until I could calmly talk to the ex before I brought it up. His reply was, he heard her say it and he thought about saying something, but didn’t. So I just said to tell her to not talk about her weight or body anymore because if it happens again, I would be the one having the conversation! Still….at this point, everything was ok. 

July 4th weekend…

He had plans to take her to the race on Saturday with his future wife (&future ex😀), and her  kids. He was supposed to bring her home Sunday so she could do 4th of July with us. It was technically my weekend as he had her last year and we were now following the visitation schedule for holidays instead of splitting the day up like we had in prior years. While waiting for my daughter to come home, I laid down with the baby. I was woken up by my husband telling me something was wrong with my daughter. 

Apparently her dad had decided he wasn’t going to bring her home. So my daughter, being a smart mouthed teenager, starts arguing with him. He then tells her he’s not bringing her home at all! This was after I had received a text saying “come get me” from my daughter, so I sent my 18 year old daughter to pick her up not knowing what was going on!  So the ex proceeds to argue back and forth and she goes outside with her things to wait in her sister. So what does he do? He calls the cops and reports her for being an “unruly teen who’s running away”  By the time my husband got me from the babies bed, I had to call dispatch to see what was going on. They told me the officer would decide whether or not to arrest her when he arrived!! 

Now let me explain something to those who have no idea where we live what would’ve happened.  My daughter, my 14 year old daughter, who’s never been in trouble in school, never been suspended, would’ve/could’ve been arrested and taken to juvenile hall in Jacksonville, where she would’ve remained until Tuesday because it was a holiday weekend. All because she had a smart mouth and said something he didn’t like! 

Luckily, my older daughter arrived before the cops to get her sister.  He tried to threaten her and told her she was 18 now and could be in a lot of trouble if she took her, but she did anyway. He took pictures of her tag and called in a description. I met up with my girls a few minutes later and took them to the safety of our home. 

So…later that evening, my daughter received a text from his future wife telling her how disappointed she was in her! What in the hell???? Seriously….I couldn’t let it go this time. I told her what I thought about everything from her comments to my daughter to the affair she had with him while he was married to his second wife! And I also made sure she knew she wasn’t his first mistress….she wasn’t special….she was just the next in line and she needed a prenup with an infidelity clause!!

The ex kept threatening contempt of court, but I had the papers to prove it was MY weekend per the papers!  Of course he’s to,d everyone I stole her from him and it was HIS weekend, but a little screenshot of the paperwork texted to him stopped the threats. 

The day after,  my ex  blocked my daughter from calling or texting his phone.  She has no way of contacting him unless she happens to knock on his door and he’s at home.  He sold his sob story to his family as well. His mom had plans to go shopping with my daughter a few days later and backed out because “she couldn’t promise she wouldn’t talk about it!” This is a woman who claims to be a Christain woman. A devote Catholic who spends every minute she can involved in church functions.  Her husband is a deacon in the church, but yet it’s been over 2 weeks and not a word from them.  They are SO Christain, but yet are willing to stand before God with a smile on their face and support him as he says his vows for the THIRD time, after cheating on his first two wives!!!  Hypocrisy!  They never hold him accountable for his actions.  The blame was shifted to my daughter…a 14 year old little girl had to take the fall for her dad so he can continue to do what he does.  

And the rest of the family….chirp, chirp, chirp….you guessed it! Nothing. After the initial conversation with the Aunt where she basically sat there and bashed me to my daughter and blamed me for EVERYTHING….from the affair right down to the attack from the slutty mistress….it was ALL my fault!  HE did nothing. HE was the victim.  Oh and his second marriage….you guessed it….same thing….not his fault….all her fault! I guess his penis must’ve accidentally slipped and fell into another woman besides his wife!!! Gotta watch out for the slippery suckers….they will get you in trouble every time! 😂😂😂  And anytime they feel the need to back up their lies with the actual truth, they can march right on down to the court house and pull up a copy of the paperwork for themselves!  It’s better to know the truth before spreading lies all over town!  

In all seriousness, this was a blog I wished I never had to write.  I knew he was a weak man when it came to romantic relationships, but I never dreamed he would be so weak when it came to his parental one.  He handled his parental role much like he’s always handled his romantic relationships….at the first sign of trouble, when things get just a little bit too hard and it’s time to put some work & effort into it, he runs away as fast as he can.  That, my friends, is a sign of a true coward! 

What I Learned From Our Goodbye

A year ago today was one of the hardest days of my life. My Nanny Joy passed away at 85 years old. May 2nd, 16 days before her 86th birthday, in true Nanny Joy fashion, she chose the way she would leave this earth. I was lucky enough to spend a week with her in April with 3 of my girls during Spring Break. During that time she told me adamantly, I do NOT want to be 86! Well, Nanny Joy, you got your wish, you were only 85 when you left this world!

I can’t begin to express what my Nanny Joy meant to me during her life here on earth. Other than the obvious name we share, we also shared a lot of things together that most grandmothers would not dream of sharing with a grand daughter. She talked to me about relationships, in a way you usually speak exclusively with your girlfriends. She didn’t judge me no matter how shocking the statements I may spew at any given time. She shared of hardships of growing up without a mother. Her mother died of an appendicitis at 27 years old and left her small children behind. Those young children, including my grandmother, were shuffled from house to house, just surviving during a time in this country when poor was the norm. She lived a rough life. Her grandmother believed the girls should be the ones to take care of the boys. She did farm work before attending school. She told me about inappropriate situations that no little girl should have to go through. I will not go into detail, as it was her story to share, but it was heartbreaking to hear. I only knew by listening to her stories that God was surely on her side! She married young…to a much older man. She was abused, left him and found out she was pregnant….with my mom! She worked hard…she lied about graduating from high school to get a job as a telephone operator and the rest is history. She rose to the top and became union president for the local operators. She met and married my Papa Bill, also a man of the Union, and they lived out the rest of their days together. When Papa Bill passed in August 2014, everything changed for her. She had to begin to rely on others for help, including my mother. And that’s when I learned the most.

Growing up, I never understood how my mother couldn’t get along with my Nanny Joy. To me, she was amazing! She basically walked on water! As I grew up and became an adult, I begin to see the little things I was blind to as a child. The snide comments, the difference in the way my mom and her brother were treated. Looking back, it was sad she wasn’t able to have the same relationship with her own mother that I was able to have with her as my Nanny Joy. After my Papa passed away, Nanny moved closer to my mom, 3 hours away from her home, back to the home town where she had raised her children. She lived at the end of the street from my mom, allowing her to be independent, but also allowing my parents the ability to care for her when needed, including my mom cooking dinner for her every night and my dad delivering her plate to her and giving her the nightly meds she needed. This time was not easy on them. I continually heard complaints from my Nanny Joy and my mom cried constantly at how mean her mother was to her. I was torn as to who I should believe.

When I walked into the door in April, I knew at that very moment what was happening. My Nanny Joy had given up. She was choosing to die. She didn’t want to live anymore and she was determined to let go. The problem was, my mom didn’t want to let her go. My mom was fighting to keep her alive and my Nanny was fighting to die. She was refusing to eat. She wouldn’t let my mom bathe her. She wouldn’t go to the doctor. She stopped going to the beauty shop, which was simply unheard of!! Nanny ALWAYS had her hair done! It was clear, this was a battle of the wills and I was caught in the middle. The first thing I did was talk her in to letting me give her a bath. She agreed, but refused to let my mom in to help. My heart has never been more broken than seeing my Nanny literally starving herself to death. She was skin and bones. Her meals on wheels were stacked up in the fridge. Her plate of food my parents brought over every night was sitting on the counter, barely touched. I would make her breakfast, only to watch her move the food on the plate and take one or two bites before setting it down. An hour later she would say, I didn’t have breakfast! I would have to remind her what I had made her. It was then I realized all the stories she had told me about sitting there alone were not true. She was forgetting.

Some of my fondest memories were sitting at the dinner table playing games with my Nanny…I asked her if she wanted to play Yahtzee, one of her favorites, and she replied, “I don’t believe I know how to play that game!” All I could do was enjoy every second I had with her. Deep down I knew it would be the last time I would visit my Nanny Joy alive.

One night before bed, we were sitting in the living room talking. She said to me, “You know, I never thought you were like me until today!  Today I saw me in you!” I knew exactly what she meant! I had stood up to someone who I believed was hurting her emotionally and financially and I was pissed! There was no way I was just going to sit there and let him run all over her, knowing how vulnerable she was at the time. Then she said, “You know, I remember when you stood up at your husbands funeral (Pit) and gave a speech, I just remember thinking how strong you were to be able to do that in front of all those people after loosing your husband!” I knew what my Nanny Joy wanted, she wanted me to do the same for her. She wanted me to be strong for her too…and I knew I had no choice but to do just that!

3 days after we left, my Nanny fell at home and had to go into the hospital. I spoke to her on Friday April 24th on my way home. I thought she was mad at me because of a certain someone in our family trying to make her think I said something bad about her. She said “I could never be mad at you sugar!” She said she thought she would be going home the next week, she was doing better. We talked for 45 minutes, about nothing and about everything! The last few minutes of the conversation she said how proud of my kids she was. She hoped my son would continue to straighten up and stay in town. How my oldest daughter was doing so well in college and she would be going places. She said how beautiful Makailyn was and she enjoyed visiting with her. And that Meadow, she said…you’re going to have to watch that one…she’s a looker! Give my baby (Everleigh) a kiss from Nanny! I love you sugar!

The next morning, my mom called my crying. She came into the hospital that morning to see her mama and she found her unresponsive. Nanny Joy had a stroke. 2 hours later, she was still unresponsive, but alive. She put the phone to her ear and I told my nanny how much I loved her and how I would always love her! The next morning she opened her eyes. I Facetimed her and let “her baby” see her. Everleigh looked at her and smiled and said “Nanny” A few hours later, she started mumbling, the language was more clear for a while, until it wasn’t. She became unresponsive again and she passed on May 2nd.

What I learned from her passing is she catered to boys. Not because she loved them more, but because she viewed them as the weaker of the two. She expected the girls to be strong. That’s the way she was raised, and that’s how she raised my mom. My mom is strong willed, independent and caring. She’s self sufficient and doesn’t need anyone or anybody to tell her what to do. On the other hand, her brother is the exact opposite. He depended on his mother until the day she died. That’s the way he was raised. I learned that she trusted my mom with her life. She would never tell my mom just how much she loved her or just how much she knew she could trust her, but she would tell me. And if my mom could see past her own sadness of the mother daughter relationship she longed for to realize just how much she really did entrust her with everything, maybe she could draw comfort from knowing how important she really was to my Nanny. My mom had access to bank accounts no one else did for years before she got sick. She knew she could trust my mom with her money, knowing she would never spend a dime of it without permission. She had keys to a cedar chest that no one else had. She gave her a credit card to buy stuff for her when she was unable to do so anymore. She did not do this for other members of her family. It was always my mom she trusted the most!

Although she is gone, I will never forget the life time of love and affection my Nanny Joy shared with me. And thanks to her, I now have the rest of my life to enjoy my mom as well. My Nanny was a young girl with a hard road ahead of her, but she walked the road proudly with her daughter by her side.  And now with the strength and determination we inherited from a special woman so adequately named Joy, we can finish the path she once started all those years ago, hand in hand, knowing we share the love of a beautiful Angel to guide the way!  


“Please Dad, Please!”

When you are divorced and you share a child with an ex, there are times when you feel as if you are still married. Trapped…in limbo…waiting until the magical age of 18 when you can forever cut ties with your ex! But until then, you are left to dangle there, wanting nothing more than to never have to deal with your ex again! You lived through the disappointments while being married, and now you are living through the disappointments once again! But this time, it’s worse! Why? Because now, not only are you disappointed, but your heart is breaking! You are looking at your beautiful child, the only thing good that came out of the marriage, and you are watching your child slowly lose faith in your ex. You watch time and time again as he disappoints her, over and over. You listen to the excuses that were once reserved for you, now spoken you to the child you both share! And it hurts…


What I like to call the beginning of the end, when my ex and I were still married, we had an argument because of him disappointing one of my other children. My oldest daughter did not have a dad to visit on the weekend, her dad died before she was born. Her relationship with my ex was extremely important to her. She didn’t have anyone else as a father figure, so to her, he was it. She was cheering for a rec league and had a competition coming up locally. She asked him to attend the competition, but he declined and told her he had to work. He promised her he would attend Regionals in Orlando if they qualified. He had no idea that their squad would do just that! Regionals were held during Thanksgiving weekend. We planned on eating with his parents, then heading to the competition for the remainder of the weekend. At the last minute, he refused to go. He stayed at his parents house instead. So I left their house upset and angry for my daughter! I knew how much it meant to her and knew she was broken hearted! He was full of broken promises and was unapologetic for it!

Over the years since our divorce, I’ve hidden the broken promises from our daughter as much as I could. There were a lot of times he just wouldn’t call, he wouldn’t come get her, he didn’t show up to her special events, he just didn’t care. But with her being only 2 years old when we separated, it was easy for me to keep it hidden. That was up until the last couple of years. She got older and when she became a teenager, the lack of contact he had with her was apparent.

Now I’m sure his family and friends will tell you this is because I moved her all the way across the country, but that’s not why! He never had scheduled visitation. He never took her whenever he could. He went on vacations by himself numerous times since our divorce, but only one time in 10 years had he included our daughter, and that was with his parents. She missed out on a family wedding…the only one missing….with the excuse “I thought you wouldn’t let her go!” He never asked!  When my husband got orders to Washington, my ex was upset. I promised I would let her see him as much as possible. We agreed to each pay half of all flights back to Florida. When we had divorced, our child support had been set based on our current situation. 10 years later, I had never sought an increase with the agreement he would just help with any extra expenses that came up that weren’t factored in to the original divorce. During the first 6 months we lived in Washington, my ex refused her for Spring Break and her birthday…he would go 2-3 weeks at a time without calling her or returning her phone calls. Finally, after 6 months, I flew to Florida and she came with me and stayed for 5 weeks. During that time period, she spent almost every day with her stepmom. Her dad was always working. I was so thankful she had her stepmom, but sad for my daughter who longed to spend time with her dad as well!

Upon returning to Washington, we found out he had cheated on his wife and was planning on filing for divorce. Once again, my daughters heart broke! I was so glad we were living in Washington and she wouldn’t be subjected to another divorce on a daily basis!

My daughter was due to return in December for Christmas. I asked him repeatedly not to introduce his new girlfriend to our daughter. He kept denying he had cheated on his wife. He promised he would not introduce her to any woman…it would be just him and her spending time together. Less than 24 hours after she got off of the plane, she met her dads new girlfriend, who was also still married, and her two children. While there, they went to Orlando on vacation and her dad and girlfriend slept in the same bed together while my daughter shared a bed with the girlfriends daughter! Of course when I found out I was livid!! He couldn’t understand why I was SO upset that his 12 year old daughter was in the same room as them. Helllooooo!!!! Are you freaking kidding me?? First of all, she was still getting used to the idea of him getting a divorce, second of all, they were both STILL MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE!

I felt like an idiot! Since we had left almost a year before, anytime I had asked for help with her extra curricular activities, he told me he didn’t have any money! He couldn’t pay $250 for his half of cheerleading. He couldn’t afford half of school supplies….he had NO money! But here he was, spending money on his new girlfriend and her kids, meanwhile our kid is being left out. So I told him I was taking him back to court! Since then, he is refusing to talk to me. He will tell anyone who will listen it’s because I moved her to Washington, but that’s not true! It only became an issue when his child support was adjusted per Florida guidelines! I didn’t ask for more than what guidelines suggest! I’m not greedy by any means, but let’s be honest….if you can spend money on your mistress and her kids, you better be ready to spend it on your own child! You had her first and she’s your responsibility just as much as she is mine!

So this year has been full of disappointments for my daughter. She’s on the cheer squad and had been asking her dad since the summer to go to a cheer competition. I even offered to let him stay in our home to make it more affordable! He kept telling her he had to work! Her cheer squad made it to state….she continued to beg him to come….then he told her he didn’t have the money! The very same month he refused to come see her, he went to Central America with his girlfriend…supposedly for her work, but he had to take time off from work and there had to be out of pocket expenses for him. Once again, he let his daughter down. By the way, they won state!! 🙂

Then Spring Break came along. She was supposed to go to tryouts for cheer for the High School she is attending next year. They got into a big argument because he wanted to go to North Carolina with his girlfriend and her kids and stay in a cabin. He never asked our daughter about going. He didn’t care if she missed tryouts. He didn’t care if she didn’t get to see any of her family or friends while there. Not to mention, she told him herself he spent $800 on a cabin but couldn’t afford to see her cheer! Smart girl! Luckily for her, she got to tryout the day before they left for North Carolina…and she made it! 🙂

Now that she’s on the team, she has responsibilities for fundraising. Unfortunately, we are here and can’t participate. My husband has already reported to work and was able to attend the cheer parent meeting. My ex promised his daughter he would be there….no surprise, he was a no show! The next day she was at her best friends house when her dad returned her phone call. While on speaker, her friends mom heard the entire conversation regarding him missing the meeting. He denied telling our daughter he would be there. He stated he had to work, even though he never called or texted to tell her he had to miss it. My husband signed up for 4 shifts for the upcoming festival to work since my daughter won’t be there to work her 2 and her dad wasn’t there to sign up for any. When my daughter told him he needed to work 2 shifts he told her he couldn’t commit, he MAY have to work! He’s a fireman, he knows his schedule in advance! Later on, the mom told me about the conversation. She said she was so upset for my daughter. She said he was so cold, so cruel, not apologetic at all….she was pissed! She did say she was proud of my daughter though for standing up to him…my daughter said to her dad, at least I can count on my stepdad to be there for me!  My ex had no idea someone else heard just how cruel he really is….the real him…the him that is the only true thing about him…cold and cruel!

So tonight I sat here once more listening to my daughter beg and plead to her dad. He finally committed to working one shift on Saturday for 3 hours. My husband will be responsible for the rest of the shifts. My ex asked why granny (my deceased husbands mom) couldn’t work a shift for her! Are you kidding!!! His girlfriend had just told my daughter she was not her REAL grandmother during Spring Break when she complained about not seeing her, but now that you want her to do something for YOU, she’s her granny!! This woman has been there since day 1…she has always been her grandparent…always calls…every week…and yes, she offered to work a shift, but my husband told her he would do it because she has family coming in! What about my daughters “blood” relatives that live in town! Her grandparents, aunt, uncle etc….why can’t they cover his shift!! They are only related to her when it’s convenient for them! And what’s my exes excuse for not working a Sunday shift? Oh….he has to paint a bathroom! Seriously….I can’t make this shit up! A freaking bathroom….it’s full of shit and so is he!

My precious daughter sat here begging and pleading for her dad to do this ONE thing for her….Please dad, please….can’t you just paint it next weekend…aren’t I more important than a bathroom?

Of course you are baby…and don’t you EVER forget it!





I’m Back!!!

After a long hiatus, I’m back! It’s not that I want to take the time off from writing, trust me when I say there has been plenty of things to write about, but I had no choice! I had shoulder surgery almost 6 weeks ago and up until now, I was unable to reach my keyboard with my left hand without being in a lot of pain! Thanks to physical therapy, I am now able to share all of my thoughts once again! I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not! Ha ha! My blogs weren’t always welcomed from those who found themselves the subject matter of said blog! Oh well! I’m here to speak my mind and write the truth, not to appease others, so to hell with the haters!

It’s been hard staying away from blogging! Over the past few weeks, I had these thoughts that kept swirling around in my head just waiting to find themselves published here. All in good time. I haven’t forgotten what needs to be said. I haven’t forgotten the issues that my family has been through. Trust me, it hasn’t been pretty around here! Some people never change!

Enough of that for now. My sweet husband has been gone now for about 2 weeks! He left me….ha! No, not like left me, left me….but he left me to move to Florida. He had to report mid April which will leave me as a single parent once again until graduation in June. It will be worth it though. We would’ve been the most selfish parents in the world if we would’ve moved our daughter back to Florida at the end of her Senior year! Although it’s a sacrifice being a single parent AND being a single parent dealing with a painful recovery due to shoulder surgery, she is worth it! That’s what being a parent is all about….sacrifice for the sake of our children. Some people need a lesson in sacrifice, but my husband, fortunately, is a pro at it! He misses us terribly and FaceTime is our best friend, but he wouldn’t have it any other way! He will fly back in time for graduation and to move us back across the country! I’m excited for what the future holds for us as a family. I can’t wait to be back to normal again!

More than anything in the world, I’m most excited about being close to our family once again. Being away from our extended family has been difficult. We were so accustomed to having a wonderful support system in Florida. We have made some great friends here, lifelong friends, that will forever be a part of our lives, but I miss my older two kids. I miss my Sunday dinners. I miss our weekends spent together by the pool or cooking out! I just miss being together! Although my oldest daughter will still live 7 hours away, she will still be just a car ride away from us. A weekend trip here and there will be so much better than a once a year flight to Seattle! My kids mean the world to me and to have them all under one roof again, laughing and talking, is a dream come true!

I do have the most beautiful kids ever….I mean, just look at them! Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by them everyday! 10689495_10153769605935610_8598503142829822116_n[1]

Until next time,

Hugs and kisses to all my readers! My normal bitchy self will be back soon, I promise! Today I just felt a little sentimental! XOXO

My Heart Is Home!

After spending over 90 days apart, my husband finally made it home yesterday!  This patrol was particularly hard due to him leaving before the holidays and missing all of our children celebrating Christmas together under one roof! He celebrated his birthday on the boat without his family. Our anniversary was spent apart this year, but he was always in my heart! We also had very little contact during this patrol. Not receiving a lot of email can be particularly hard when you are trying to maintain a parental relationship by keeping your spouse informed of the happenings in our kids lives! He missed our sons birthday! He missed out on the entire cheer competition season, which will be the last for Makailyn! He also missed her 18th birthday and even though his boat pulled in the same day, he missed her Senior Year cheer banquet as well!

If you’ve never had the experience of being separated from your spouse due to military deployments, it’s hard to fathom how intense it can be. It’s funny how everything in this house is just better with him around. I have been a single parent before and was pretty successful at it, including putting myself through nursing school as a single mom, but this is different! I don’t want to be a single parent! I don’t want to face the day to day parental decisions on my own. I love being able to share it with my husband. Since he is a submariner, it isn’t as easy as picking up a phone, or skyping him just to see his face. We literally go months without hearing his voice and weeks without any email. Sometimes, by the time I send out and email and he is able to respond to any issues I’m dealing with, those issues have either been resolved or have amounted to new, bigger issues!

This is the life I chose to live with him. I wouldn’t have it any other way, because that would mean I wouldn’t have him! This is who he is and I love him for it! I am proud of him for sacrificing his time with us to do his job. It’s not easy on him…he misses out on so much with all of us! He comes home and a lot has changed. Everleigh is talking more clearly than when he left and you can see the “baby” in her slowly slipping away, but for him, it happened suddenly! We all have to make adjustments to make the transition go smoothly, but it’s worth it just to have him!

This was his last patrol for the next 3 years! He is heading to shore duty….a much needed break for our family! Every email I received during this patrol he talked about how much looked forward to spending quality family time with all of us. Being able to plan a family vacation without the fear of the boat schedule being changed and ruining those plans, and just being a normal dad that gets to come home every night to his family!  I’m looking forward to spending every night snuggling in bed with my love! Last night I was wide awake listening to the sound of him breathing beside me….the most comforting sound in the world! I can’t imagine my life without him, and lucky for me, he feels the same way. He will always and forever be the other half of my heart! I’m so glad he found me on the dance floor, and never took no for an answer! 🙂  I love you Mr. Berry! I can’t wait to make up for all of our missed anniversaries with our biggest one yet….number 10 baby!! You+me is all I will ever need! 12247034_10153691147090610_9219789234895271654_n

An Evil Heart

December 2004 was the first time I had ever attended therapy as a couple. I had been to therapy previously when my first husband passed away, but never as a couple. When I made that appointment, I had hope in my heart. I really felt like this would be the answer to our marital issues. I knew how deep my love for my husband ran, and I knew I was willing to do anything to make our marriage work. Whenever I fell in love with him, I gave him 100% of my heart. I loved him no matter what. I loved his faults, I loved his quirky grin, I loved his weird giggle, I loved the way he told a story, and I loved his skinny frame. He didn’t need to do anything special to impress me…I loved him just the way he was. And that should’ve been enough to make it work, right? It turns out the only thing I wasn’t willing to accept was his infidelity and his lack of loyalty to our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, when I first found out about the affair, I was willing to do the work to drag our marriage out of the hole it was in and make it back to where we started. The only problem was, I was the only one willing to make the commitment to our marriage. After the attack, I knew the marriage would never be able to be salvaged. How could I ever trust my heart to a man who left me laying on the ground, bleeding, while he ran off with his mistress? How could I ever trust a man who stood in court under oath and refused to name my attacker?

During the first year after the attack, I really felt like his heart was filled with evil. How could I have been so wrong about a man? I thought I knew him but I had been wrong. Then, one day it happened. The man I had married reappeared and for the first time in over 2 years, I recognized the person I was speaking too.

I had called my now ex-husband to confirm him picking up our daughter from school. I also told him of my recent engagement. After hanging up, he called back and said he couldn’t pick our daughter up. When I told him she was excited and expecting him, he broke down crying. Now, I want to make a point here. Some men can cry at the littlest thing. My ex-husband could not. He cried when our daughter was born, he cried when he told our kids he was moving out, and now, he was crying….I was shocked! For the next 45 minutes I listened to him tell me how sorry he was for everything he had done. He said he was so f**ked up and she was a crazy bitch! (umm…yea she is)  He told me he never meant to hurt me. He said he knew that I would’ve never forgiven him for the affair, which was why he left. He swore he didn’t realize how bad I was hurt the night of the attack…he was drunk and he only remembered it partially, the forgotten portion was filled in by my attacker. He said he was happy I was getting remarried and said my future husband was a great guy…I deserved to be happy! I could go on and on about our conversation, but bottom line, he showed remorse for his actions and I knew he was sorry! He never intended for me to get hurt and I knew he was telling the truth. So, I gave him some advice. I explained I had been working through the emotional carnage from both the affair and attack for the last two years with the help of a therapist, and for our daughters sake he needed to do the same. She deserved her daddy to be emotionally healthy and happy!

Although he only went a couple of times, I received the apology I needed to remove the anger I held in my heart for him. I will never forget what he did or the role he played in my attack, but I will forgive him. He is not the same kind of manipulative human being as my attacker. Is he a habitual cheater? Yes! Does he carry more emotional baggage than Delta on any given day? Yes! Does that make him evil? No! It makes him sad…but that’s not my problem. The only time it concerns me is when it affects our daughter!

But the she-devil…she on the other hand has a heart made of pure evil. I’m pretty sure you could just post her damn picture beside the word “evil” in the dictionary and everyone would say “ahhh, yea, that makes sense!”  In the beginning, I tried putting myself in her shoes to understand how she could live with herself….I couldn’t do it!  She’s told anyone who would listen I was “much larger” than she was. I was indeed taller, but even the police report has her outweighing me. She stated in the injunction hearing “people told her the next day I was going to kick her ass” I guess she’s a mind reader since she attacked me prior to knowing that information. It’s been said I was “training to box”, making my hands dangerous, which is why she had to stab me. Now, I did work out boxing and I won’t lie, my straight right could put someone on their ass, so if indeed she’s correct and I attacked her first, how in the hell didn’t she end up with a busted nose? How was she able to overpower me to get a bottle? How….because she hit me with the bottle before I even had a chance to react!

Regardless of her version of the story, how could a supposedly innocent woman go around making fun of a woman she attacked and permanently disfigured? Why would she be so proud of the nickname “slasher” and be more than happy to respond when called by that name? Because she’s evil! There is no remorse for the actions that caused my injuries. No remorse for the affair. No remorse for sleeping with my husband after the attack. No remorse for my friend she tried to run off the road. No remorse for the man she married and shared a life with.  No remorse for the other family she destroyed by her cheating ways. And the worst part, no remorse for the lives of the children that were impacted negatively by all of her actions, including her own child!

Good always prevails over evil. It doesn’t always seem like it in the beginning, but over time, light shines bright for the good in all of us while darkness slowly but surely takes over the life of those that are evil!  My life hasn’t been perfect since the attack, but I can say for certain the love I’ve been shown since that time has been most definitely the brightest times I’ve had! And as far as my attacker goes, I’m pretty sure her cheating days are over.  Some call it karma, I like to call it justice!