I Just Want It To End

If you’ve been on the receiving end of a cheating scandal, you can understand the anger, hurt, rage, emptiness, despair, and self-loathing the cheating causes. At times it can bring you to your knees. No matter how many loved ones circle the wagons and attempt to help you through the rough times, the affair will cause a decrease in self worth…at least initially!

For me I felt all of those things and more. I had four children and without the support of my estranged husband, I had no choice but to go to work everyday. It wasn’t easy though. I would sit in my car and talk myself in to being happy when I arrived at my patients house. I would do my visit, trying to act “normal” until I could get out to the safety of my car. Once inside the comfort of my vehicle, all alone with my thoughts, I would cry. Big tears, snotty nose, crying. I hated my husband. I hated his mistress. I hated myself. I hated my life. I contemplated death on more than one occasion. It would be much easier just to let go and be pain free. I was sick of hurting, sick of crying, sick of being weak, and sick of being unwanted! How disgusting of a person I must be if the person I committed my life to and loved with every ounce of my being couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with me!

And just when I thought I couldn’t take the pain anymore, one of my kids needed me….they needed me….they wanted me….they were my everything! How could I let a man and another woman bring me so close to the brink of losing everything I had ever wanted! I wanted my babies from the first moment of conception and every moment afterwards. There was nothing and no one more important to me than them. The thought of not watching them grow up crushed my heart! I thought about all of the things I would miss if I continued to allow these two cheaters control my life. I would miss my son’s first real girlfriend. I would miss watching him drive away in a car for the first time. I would miss teaching him how to treat a girl on a first date. I would miss hearing him lay out his plan and his intention to marry the woman of his dreams!

I would miss my daughters go to their first prom. I would miss being there to walk them through becoming a woman. I wouldn’t be there to talk them through their first heartbreak. Or to kiss their cheek gently as I pulled the veil over their face, as they smiled, excited to start a life with the love of their life! I wouldn’t be there to watch my precious girls give birth to their first born…..I wouldn’t be able to tell them how perfect my new grandbaby is! I would miss all of these things and so much more….all because I was giving so much power to individuals who didn’t deserve it!

So like any good mother, I took the first step…I made the decision to take back control of my life. I called the doctor and went on antidepressants to help me through the rough days ahead. I was smart enough to know my life was more important than my pride. I knew if I didn’t do something, I could lose everything.

It wasn’t the first time I was on antidepressants. I also suffered from post partum depression after the birth of my fourth child. I think it had a lot to do with feeling like a failure. She was in the NICU for 8 days and as a mother, I took it personally. She was also the first child I had to leave to go back to work. Instead of supporting and comforting me during my time of need, my husband made fun of me. If I got upset about something, he would scream “Go take a pill!” He was condescending when I tried to talk about my emotional pain. He never liked dealing with feelings then and to this day, he still runs from them!

Those first few weeks were some of the hardest of the divorce. It’s scary to think I was so close to ending it all, and for what! My life turned out to be so much better than I could have hoped for, and if I had chosen a different path, I would’ve missed it all!

Keep strong and never give the cheaters the power to control your destiny…only you can do that!

 

2 thoughts on “I Just Want It To End

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