When Your Past Invades Your Present

It’s been building for a while now. I’ve known this. I’ve attempted to prevent it from happening. I’ve thought about the positives in my life. I’ve tried focusing on the path my life is currently on. I ignored the anniversary of the day and tried to pretend it wasn’t significant.  It’s just not working anymore.  Tonight, I finally broke down. It wasn’t pretty either. I held it together until I went to my room for the night. In the safety of my room, alone with my husband, I finally felt comfortable to let it out!

And now I feel guilty. Guilty for letting it get to this point. Guilty for making my husband feel helpless. Guilty for giving my past the power to affect my present.

I seriously have some of the most caring friends and family that exist on this planet. They have held my hand when I needed strength, they have listened when I needed and ear, and they’ve spoken words of encouragement when I can’t find the strength to move on. Even so, I am still struggling.

Tonight  I hurt. And not physically….although that’s a daily battle itself, my heart is overtaking the physical pain. I can literally feel a hole in my heart. The tears keep flowing….the pain is persistent.

I tried to think why my past was controlling me so much. Why now? Why after 10 years could I not let it go? The answer is simple…I can never let it go. It will always be there, hiding, waiting to take control. The trigger can be anything really…tonight it happened to be what tomorrow holds.

Tomorrow is Everleigh’s first gymnastics class. I’ve been so excited all week. She just loves tumbling around the house and climbing anything she can, so this seems like a perfect outlet for her energy. The problem…this is going to require me to meet new people. Anyone who knows me and knows me well should realize this shouldn’t be an issue for me. I’ve always been outgoing and made friends easily. But since our move, I’ve changed.

10 years ago, my life changed in more ways than one. I was physically hurt, emotionally wrecked, and mentally changed forever. I lost a big part of who I was that night. While continuing to live in Fernandina Beach, I still felt like myself. My friends knew me for who I was before, and accepted me and how I had changed. I didn’t have to explain anything to them…they just knew. If I was having a bad day or a moment, they knew why and were patient and loving. Leaving the safety net of my hometown has not been easy, but I thought I was adjusting well. That was until tonight. I realized I am in hiding. I am scared. I feel alone. I am broken.

Every time I am forced to go into public, it’s always in the back of my mind. I know the people I meet wonder what happened to my face. They are curious, and for this I can’t blame them. It’s human nature really. I’m not angry at them for their curiosity, I am angry because I no longer feel like me. I no longer have the strength to hold it together. I no longer have the power to look the other way when their eyes meet the scars.

As I cried tonight, I explained it to my husband the best way I know how. I feel ugly. I feel damaged. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I feel powerless.

The scars are not who I am. I was not born with them. I was not in a terrible accident that I could have somehow prevented.

I was attacked. I was abandoned. I was scared. I was ruined…physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I can’t hide these scars. With the natural aging process happening quicker than I would like, the scars are changing and causing my facial features to change. I’m not blind….I can see them. I see them everyday….I feel them everyday….I hate them everyday!

The last thing I said to my sweet husband tonight, who wanted nothing more than to make this all go away for me, “You do realize that one day, you and I will have to explain to Everleigh where mommy got her scars!”

And the thought of that day, hurts me to the core. That day is the day when she will see the world differently. She will know that evil exists, and mommy can’t make everything better with just a kiss!

3 thoughts on “When Your Past Invades Your Present

  1. KJ,
    You are one of the most beautiful and strongest people I know! And those cigars are you now they are what has made you who you are a strong beautiful loving mother wife friend! I too struggle with meeting people in my older age I don’t know why because I used to be just as outgoing as well. I honestly think it’s the fact that we realize how awful people really are and how lucky we are to have a handful of good close people in our lives! I keep you my prayers and I hope you know that I love you dearly😍😘sorry for no punctuation you know how I roll


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